How come you never hear anyone say "Happy Groundhog Day" anymore?
Sure, Groundhog Day has become too commercialized – but this political correctness has simply gone too far.
Why, I even heard that WalMart, in an effort to foist "diversity" on us, has instructed all their employees to not wish anyone a "Happy Groundhog Day". Instead they’re now having their Greeters wishing folks a "Happy Holiday Commemorating a Rodent of the Family Sciuridae, Belonging to the Genus of Large Ground Squirrels, Biologically Classified as Marmots."
Hell, that greeting is just way too long! I mean I got my cart half-way down the aisle by the time they’re done. (And I have absolutely NO idea how they got those octogenarians at the entrance to remember the whole damn thing.) And another thing, I hate shopping at WalMart ever since they stopped doing their Blue Light Specials. (Hold on a minute ... silly me ... that was K-Mart, wasn’t it? Well, I still HATE WalMart)
First there was the War on Christmas from that the falafel-loving fellow, Bill O’Reilly – with his rabble-rousing rhetoric that he uses to rile up those radical right-wing reactionary republicans.
Then came the Wars on Chanukah and Kwanzaa, not to mention the Wars on Ramadan and Yom Kippur. Now I ask you, when was the last time anyone wished you a Happy Yom Kippur?
What?!? You say Yom Kippur is not a joyous celebration? Well, of course Yom Kippur is not a happy holiday – that’s my point exactly.
And it's simply getting out of hand. Today when I stopped in at Starbucks not a single server wished me a Happy Groundhog Day. Instead I got that irritating greeting that grates on everyone: "Have a nice day." There were no special Groundhog Day-themed flavored lattes. No Groundhog Day decorations. Nothing – absolutely nothing. It's like they don't even know Groundhog Day comes around every February 2nd.
As a child, I fondly remember Groundhog Day as being a special and wonderful time of year, marked by kindness and good cheer, with myriad celebrations all stemming from that venerated superstitious belief that a woodland creature could actually control weather patterns.
But instead of sending Groundhog cards, we now send "rodent" cards. Instead of decorating the Groundhog tree, we put up "rodent" trees. And instead of us all gathering around to light the Groundhog candle and do the Groundhog dance while singing our favorite Groundhog carols, we watch American Idol.
Will these liberal secularists stop at nothing?! Well, I for one will not stand for this ignominy. I am starting a boycott of all businesses that refuse to acknowledge Groundhog Day, a holiday that reflects everything that America is founded on. Why, it’s the one thing we all trust in – emblazoned right there on our currency for everyone to read! (No, wait a second ... that’s "God" I’m thinking of, isn’t it?)
So I call upon all of my readers (all three of you) to reclaim Groundhog Day from those who wish to destroy it. Proudly greet everyone you meet today with a jubilant "Happy Groundhog Day!" Take the day off from work. Call all your family and friends to share with them the good news that Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole today, saw his shadow – and that's indisputable proof that spring will arrive early this year. (Or late ... I never could remember if seeing his shadow was a good or bad thing.)
And if the folks you greet with a resounding "Happy Groundhog Day" try to claim that an elaborate ceremony involving grown men wearing top hats pulling an overgrown chipmunk out of a hole in the earth is no accurate means of predicting the weather, just accuse them of being a communist and tell them to STFU!
Happy Groundhog Day! That's right ... I said it. Just try and stop me, you DFHs.
[Disclosure: Think you may have seen something similar before? Hell, yes! It's Groundhog Day!]