A survey given out over the past week found 68% of participants who self-identified as Republican would return a vigorous "Absolutely!" on being queried, "What the heck! Are you insane or something?" Another 5% of respondents answered, "No, sorry, just evil." While the remaining 27% of participants questioned were heard to bluster something incomprehensible about socialist czars before collapsing, red-faced, in a frothing mess next to the phone. Ambulances were called, and care will be delivered as soon as they can find their insurance cards.
Interestingly, a simultaneous Rasmussen poll with identical questions returned similar results, but included an additional 70% who responded "Where's the birth certificate!" to all questions posed.
The margin of error for the poll was 2%, unless you're affiliated with the GOP, in which case the MoE is closer to 100%--as all polling has always been extremely suspect and the GOP has never and will never use any sort of polling data to try to make mean, small-minded partisan political attacks, so uncalled for in this time of crisis for our country, and how dare you try to lower the level of discourse of this great nation and etc.
When asked to comment on these results, a prominent Democratic senator responded "Well, ah, I certainly, um, believe this points to our..." before tripping over a gigantic pile of campaign donations, in cash, accidentally kicking them into the lap of a Mr. Douglas Obvious-Villain, Republican congressman, who ran cackling for his limousine. The Senator broke his fall on a candle, caught fire, then leapt into a swimming only to drown as he swam towards the shallow end.
Asked why a team of strategists who observed the Senator's death failed to come to his aid, a spokesperson responded, "Well, we asked Congressman Obvious-Villain for advice on what we should do, but I don't think he heard us because he was in that big car. But we are STRONGLY considering maybe saying something mean about him during the election cycle! Well maybe the one after next."
When reached for comment the White House was heard to sigh deeply.