Hello. If you are a regular reader of this blog then you know that I am openly and proudly Liberal Progressive. Most of the time the things I write are both influenced by politics and intended to advocate for a particular way of thinking on current events. However today although I easily could, I'm not going to do that. The reason being is that the issue I’m going to present is in my opinion much, much too important to play politics with.
The other day Senate majority leader Harry Reid, in attempting to make an emotional appeal on behalf of a bill to extend unemployment benefits said the following,
"Men when they're out of work tend to become abusive. I met with some people while I was home dealing with domestic abuse. It has gotten out of hand. Why? Men don’t have jobs. Women don’t have jobs either, but women aren’t abusive, most of the time. Men, when they’re out of work, tend to become abusive. Our domestic crisis shelters in Nevada are jammed."
His concerns are valid and justifiable. But in just one sentence he downplayed, in truth dismissed the experiences of a number of men who are believed to be in the millions. These are men who are survivors of partner abuse.
I am one of them.
When I was in my early twenties I was room mates with a woman who was around ten years older than myself. I'll call her Grace here, which is not her real name. I had met Grace as a co-worker, and was friends with her fiancee. They needed a third to share rent and it seemed like a great situation. It was my first time being on my own and I thought it would give me independence but at the same time people to share space with so it wouldn't be quite such a jarring transition. At first things were great. But because of circumstances I knew nothing about Grace's fiancee left her. What went from a three way split became a two way split. But we both had decent jobs and so it worked out alright. We became friends and in time we became more. Unfortunately there was an aspect to Grace that I really didn't understand how important it would be to me. Grace was an alcoholic.
Grace had been sober for some time, but as her life grew more stressful she turned back to an old comfort, namely alcohol. At first it was a time or two, then every weekend. Then almost nightly. I was young and fairly naive, and if I wasn't in love with her, I certainly did care about her. I wanted to be someone good in her life. Someone she could depend on. When she started to grow abusive I did my best to ignore it. It's just the stress, or the alcohol, or any of a host of excuses I'd tell myself. At first it was just verbal abuse, cutting remarks, belittling etc. But over time it grew beyond the verbal. Sometimes she would hit or scratch. The stress grew increasingly hard to bear. I tried to leave on more than one occasion. Each time she would apologize and promise that she would not do it any more. And I'd feel for her, not want to abandon her, so I'd stay. There’d be a few weeks of peace and harmony, and gradually things would go back to the way they were.
One of the ways that Grace kept control of me and our relationship was by constantly reminding me that if I talked to anyone, or tried to leave she'd tell people I hit her, or tell them that I had raped her. Sometimes she would promise to kill her two dogs knowing that I was emotionally attached to them. I felt trapped and powerless. I desperately wanted to talk to somebody about what I was going through, but I was ashamed. I believed that if I talked to my friends (most of whom were women) that they would at best think I was over reacting, and at worst they would think I was lying. After all abuse is something men do to women, not something they experience at the hands of women. So I tried harder to be a good person. To not let it bother me. But my self esteem kept getting worse and worse. Finally in the midst of some very messed up thinking I wrote a set of "rules" that I would look at to remind myself how to keep what Grace said and did from hurting quite so badly. I honestly don’t remember them all, but the first one I created is burned into my memory.
- Nobody cares about you.
I honestly had convinced myself that if I could just stop feeling anything, just stop caring, then when she ridiculed me, or when she hit me trying to get a reaction out of me that it wouldn’t hurt so much deep inside.
Finally it got to be more than I could stand. I was close to my breaking point. Finally in desperation I reached out to someone who had been Grace's classmate at a local college, with whom I had become friends. I told her everything, and when I was done she had tears in her eyes. Very softly she said, "Do you realize that most men would have probably beaten the shit out of her if she'd treated them the way she's treated you?" I don't know to this day if it's true or not. But just having someone after hearing my story not only say they believed me but that they understood felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders. My reply to her was that I had not retaliated because I did not want to become a bad person. I also confided in her that I felt like my ability to deal with the situation was exhausted. She said very simply, "You have to leave, and leave now."
I resisted, I came up with excuse after excuse. But a few days later I packed up what I could with the aid of an acquaintances truck and moved into a motel room until I could find an apartment. Then I began a healing process that is ongoing.
I'm much stronger now. I have a wonderful partner who loves me with all her heart and is very good to me. We've had challenges but what couple doesn't. But there are still moments where something will spark a memory. And it's usually not predictable. Just all of the sudden with no real warning I'll have emotional reactions that are just like the ones I had when I was back in the worst of that situation. Sometimes, not very often these days, I will hear like a bell in my head a voice that sounds like mine repeating, "Rule number one: Nobody cares about you." It does not happen very often and I look forward to a day when it doesn’t happen at all.
If you are a man, and you have or are being abused by your partner there are some things I’d like you to keep in mind.
1: You are not alone.
There are men all over the country who have been and are being abused by women they share their lives with.
2: There is no less bad abuse.
Some people will tell themselves that it's not so bad because it's only verbal abuse, or that since it's not physical they are being wimps for feeling as hurt as they do. But abuse is abuse.
3: Women, can and do sexually abuse, physically abuse, and even kill men.
Even men that are bigger and stronger than them. If you are in an abusive relationship and the abuse hasn't turned physical don't make the mistake of assuming it won't. If it has turned physical, don’t make the mistake of assuming that it won’t get so bad that you end up dead.
4: It is not your fault.
The abuser has sole responsibility for their actions. Telling you that it’s because you are out of work, or they’re out of work, or because they had a bad day, or because you didn’t say the right thing at the right time, or anything like that is them rationalizing behavior that is just plain wrong.
5: Most people are more understanding than you might think.
One of the things that surprised and touched me over and over again was talking with my friends who were women and them sharing their stories of abusive relationships they had survived. Not a single one of them judged me. Instead they all believed that abuse is abuse and that a man can be victimized by it just as much as a woman.
6: It is not going to get better on it’s own.
Things got so bad between Grace and I that I did not feel emotionally safe reconnecting with her. Perhaps if I had taken action when things first got bad it might have been different. I kept waiting, thinking that I was being noble. I wasn't. I am lucky in that I did not end up dead, in an institution or in jail. The next man who chooses nobility over action may not be so lucky.
If you are friends with a man who admits to you that he is a victim of partner abuse, listen to him without judging him. Help him find the resources he needs. If he needs counseling, or if he needs somewhere else to go to get out of the situation. Please, whatever you do, do not dismiss what he says, do not assume that it is just the normal friction that can happen in even the healthiest of relationships. Do not assume that it will get better in time. Do not assume that just because the persons female partner is physically smaller or weaker that there’s no way she could not be abusive physically.
The facts are simply this. Women are human beings no different than men. Women get stressed and overwhelmed. Women sometimes act out towards those they are closest to, saying and doing hurtful things. Women can be abusers. Gender does not keep one from being physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually abusive, nor does it keep one from being abused.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope maybe it will do someone, somewhere, some good.
Keep The Faith My Brothers And Sisters!
(This article originally appeared at The One About....)