My beautiful quilt arrived Wednesday - it is still hard to take it all in - the wonderful colors and fabrics that touch on so many themes in the life Othniel and I share and even more the messages of love and support - it really is a lovecatcher. My great thanks and appreciation to each of you who contributed to its making and especially to Rain who wove it all together - the workmanship is beautiful in and of itself.
A few times in the past I have been encouraged to do a diary on being a caregiver but I have always resisted. I have thought a lot about why I have been so reluctant and I think some of the reasons may be unfolding to me.
Caregiving is not really a thing you decide to do - not something you volunteer for but something that circumstance interposes upon you. I realized that the bond that you have with the one needing care is one that involves the greatest intimacy and trust. The nature of that trust and intimacy makes it nearly impossible to talk to anyone else about - something like the confidential communications with your doctor, lawyer or minister. I imagine there are partnered or married couples with good relationships who may never reach that level of intimacy with each other. Caregiving calls upon you to do things you are not sure you are capable of.
Much like the expression "Life is what happens while you are making other plans" - caregiving rarely presents itself at opportune life junctures. In the midst of the doing of caretaking you face the future with a lot of questions and that can absorb as much energy as the doing. One of my favorite panels from the quilt comes from one of my most favorite pictures of Othniel and me:
"Are we dancing" - taken at the wedding of Othniel's nephew - it has a lot of meaning for both of us. It was taken on my first visit to Othniel's home in Arkansas and 'meeting the family' was still uncharted waters for me. Thanks to O's sister-in-law encouraging me to dance with Othniel - we did.
The second reason I favor the picture is that it always reminds me of what Othniel's psychologist has told us over and over: relationships are a dance. Inevitably with a dance - you step on toes and have your toes stepped on. With luck each time you learn from the misstep, regroup, pick up the beat again and go on. I think we have learned with time to do that - getting through the first sore toes is always the hardest - but you learn that you recover - that they are not disasters and probably most important - you stop expecting for them to never occur - you can count on them in your future - but there is a lot of music and movement and laughter and life in between.
Sometimes I think others only see how much fun Othniel and I have together - it has come to us with a lot of challenges, tears, and hanging on when hanging on was all there was left. Thanks to all of you for your support, your love, and your helping us to hang on.
First published in Blue on 3/11/2010. This is my first Orange Diary.
Update: I probably should have added the links to the backstory here in the diary:
The healthcare story :
His Birthday, My Hospital Stay, Our Picnic
Sunday Coffee ... in the ER? oh doh
Sunday Coffee - Afternoon rain
Update on Othniel
The wedding story:
http://www.dailykos.com/...
Talkin-Bout-Their-Generation