Been out of the country for a week and, apparently, while I've been gone things have... um... changed a bit.
Hean Shannity ♥'s Timothy McVeigh (complete with remodel of the Oklahoma City Federal Building/168 families) and the New I-HATE-THE-MEDICA Oppressed Caucasian Guy (now THRILLED to be on CNN) thinks pointing his wife's shotgun at census workers is the all-the-kids-are-doing-it alternative to John McCain's "keep off the lawn" signs.
These are just the latest threats from people who have decided that "checkups" and "counting" are the doing of the devil and must be fought with a force of...
(Wait, his WIFE'S GUN? That's got to be some see-how-HOT-I-am-that-I'm-man-enough-to-tell-you-I'm-not-afraid-to-use-a-girly-gun-while-I-entertain -WILD-FANTASIES-OF-CENSUS-WORKERS-SHOWING-UP-WITH-A-SWAT-TEAM-TO-GET-ME ploy! The mating habits of the American Conservative Male honestly baffle me. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah...)
..."checkups" and "counting" are the devil's work and must be fought with a force of a man with a girly-gun entertaining WILD FANTASIES OF CENSUS WORKERS SHOWING UP WITH A SWAT TEAM-TO-GET-ME!
So, given the new national crisis (and the seeming MAINSTREAMING OF A UNIBOMBER MENTALITY) I just need to know... how far can I go to insure that this is still MY AMERICA?
For instance, can I drop a school of piranha in Ernie and Bert's bathtub because I'm tired of them teaching my children that its alright for two muppets to live a life of sin?
Can I send a suspicious white powder to my grandmother when she sends me a birthday card adorned with a stamp featuring the face of noted wide-eyed socialist Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
Can I send that same white powder to the congressperson in my grandmother's district for representing a woman who worships noted wide-eyed socialist Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
Can I blow up the local post office for issuing this "tribute" to said noted wide-eyed socialist?
Back to Ernie and Bert a moment... can I cut off the hands of the puppeteers who control Ernie and Bert? After all, aren't THEY the ones who are really making the homosexual choices? If so, should I then apologize to Ernie and Bert for having unnecessarily fed them to carnivorous fish?
Who am I allowed to kill if I can't get FOX News in my hotel room (and -- if I don't want to get in trouble) can I just get Chick Deney to do this for me)?
Since we've already established that counting people is an impingement on my right's as a citizen, can I throw a flaming bottle of gasoline at Ms. Greeby - my son's kindergarten teacher -- after she teaches him that "one clown plus three clowns equal four clowns"? (And is the reference to clown a nasty swipe at Blen Geck?)
Can I do the same to the school nurse who has been practicing socialized medicine for YEARS whenever she used federal tax dollars to put a band-aid on his boo-boos?
If I feel that the clean water coming out of my pipes is the federal government threatening my right of free determination, is it cool if I put rat poisoning in my well so that I can be free?
Please, let me know as soon as possible, but do not use the mail to contact me, as I plan on using my wife's rocket launcher to send that tool of government oppression back to the Reagan era!