Before I get started, please know this is extremely hard for me to write. I published this earlier under a different name and then deleted it. I'm quite terrified about this, so please be kind. I also will not respond to comments right away because of this fear. Sorry.
I wanted to write this diary a few days ago, when I was having an extremely hard time with my diet. However, I didn't write it right away because this is really hard for me to say. Then I saw this article on the Huffington Post (I know, what was I doing there? I was bored, it's even a few days old) Anyway, inspired me to go ahead and write this diary. Let me first quote that column.
In my public speaking, I routinely note that obesity remains the last bastion of socially acceptable prejudice in our society. I keep waiting for the statement to become obsolete, but it hasn't happened yet.
The Internet has made all forms of discrimination worse, (oh the Internet. You're such a terrible place at times) I feel that if it's against fat people, it's so much more acceptable. Every comment on the Internet about fat people seems to be, "Just diet and exercise, it's not that hard LOL". Yes, because we all know that 50-100 pounds of fat comes off after one brisk afternoon walk and salad. And never mind that no one on the Internet understands what an actual "diet" entails (in my personal experience, and according to my physician, it's pretty much all about the calories).
Let me first begin by saying I have been dieting on and off since sophomore year of high school, and I've been fat my entire life. And I have succeeded at losing over 30 pounds. Then I found out the loveliness of the human body and how amazingly easy it is to gain back 50 pounds after you've only lost 30. It was my fault, in part, I gave up. I hated the person I'd become. I'd started to look at fat people the way people had always looked at me before. Suddenly men started recognizing me as female, and frankly, it terrified me.
On a slight digression, I would also like to say I've never, ever had a GPA under 3.5, and the only time I came close is when I took science classes (urgh, science). I haven't missed a single day of class this semester. I would have a steady job at my old university if circumstances didn't make it so I had to transfer. I don't drink, smoke, or have sex. That last one is kind of related to my weight, but if I really wanted to say "fuck it" like tons of my friends have and just make out/more with random dudes, I could. I'm not that repulsive. I'm just saying all of this to make it clear: I'm a good kid. I'm not lazy. I don't give in to most vices, but I do think it's harder with food because you have to eat it. I mean, I can't just quit food cold turkey, so to speak. (Sorry for the bad almost pun). And if you want to criticize my weight, you better have all the shit in your life together. Basically, I'm tired of being judged instantly and entirely for what I consider to be one of my, if not my biggest flaw.
Most recently, my mother moved away, leaving me alone in a house without a treadmill and responsible for all of my groceries. Do you know what the cheapest foods are? Well, I can't say I really know either, but what I bought was: white rice, eggs and margarine. Oh, I also bought hamburgers, but not with buns or anything. I mean, I wanted some meat. I did not survive solely on those things, but I ate a heck of a lot of it. I also was bored out of my mind living in this house alone (I couldn't drive at the time) and all I did was eat and watch TV. I kept a nocturnal lifestyle because the air conditioning didn't work (Breaking news: summer is hot), so I was afraid to walk around when I was awake.
Suddenly I was at 217 pounds at Christmas (the first time I weighed myself). Even my mother, who always made excuses for my large size, seemed slightly disgusted at the number. She made excuses again though, saying, "The scale is broken." I rolled my eyes. I started counting calories again the next day. And my brother, who was visiting for Christmas like I was, and weighs about 2/3rds of what I do only said, "Can't you wait until I leave [to go back to college]?" Oh, my family loves my dieting. You should've seen them when I became a vegetarian when I was in 3rd grade, but that's another story. Now it's been over 2 months and although I don't have a scale at the dorm, the last time I checked (a few weeks ago) I was 195 pounds. I look the exact same, or as my friend said when I told her I'd lost over 20 pounds, "I can't tell." How is that for a morale boost?
Not only have I been overweight for my entire life (I've looked at photos from when I was in first and second grade, I wasn't fat, but I always felt like I was) I was also cursed with the worst body type a woman can be afflicted with: the apple body type. That means that even though my lovely friend is roughly the same weight as me, people will treat her better than me because she has boobs and hips. I on the other hand, have chicken legs, a large stomach and relatively small boobs. (I would joke in high school that they were "man boobs", no one disagreed.)
<sarcasm>Oh, but don't get me wrong, I deserve all the shitty treatment I get. I mean, it's not bad enough that people almost automatically hate me when they meet me, I mean, if they didn't, where would my motivation to lose weight be?</sarcasm> I mean, never mind that the only reason I'm on this diet now is because I don't want food to own me. I have never had health problems, except when I was little I did have some problems with pneumonia. If I get sick over once a year, it's strange. It hasn't become a health issue yet; I'm only 20. I do want to treat my body right, it's the only thing in the world that I actually own, but I'm not doing this because I need to for my health.
So here is my plea: regardless of someone's size, or anything really, there is no excuse not to be kind. And I don't mean "I'll go out of my way to help pretty girl over here, but if that fat one asks, I mean, I guess I'll respond", I mean, try to treat most people at least almost equally. I promise you, it sucks being me. Even if everyone in the world was kind to me, I would still be dateless and doing something lame like writing a draft of a diary on Friday night, you don't have to kick me while I'm down. By the way, I do not blame my "sucky"(I actually don't mind it most of the time, I like solitude) life on my fatness, I have a lot of other problems like an anxiety disorder, paranoia and several other factors. These are all my flaws. But my most obvious flaw is clearly visible to everyone I encounter. I would just like to say, you don't know me, you don't know I've only eaten 1240 calories today or exercised for an hour like I do every day; I'm not "lazy." I stick to diets more than almost anyone I know, I don't make excuses like my mother does, but at the end of the day I would say I have a worse figure than her (hey, at least she at least has boobs).
And finally, let me just say I find myself adorable. I don't really think this is a self-esteem issue, I love myself, others don't. I've been fortunate enough to have a family who doesn't judge me. I've been fortunate enough to have a mother who told me she doesn't want my worth to rely on my weight. I would appreciate you taking her words to heart.
Last thing, I don't think many people will read this, but if any of you adorable, lucky women born with a pear shape or hourglass shape are doing the "diets" my friends and mother like to go on thinking you're trying so hard and not getting any results, you're not getting any sympathy from me. I am working my non-existent ass (an unfortunate syndrome that comes with my body type) off here with no external (as in other people noticing) rewards. Go to the doctor and get on an actual diet. Yes, I realize this is a million times harder if you're living in a house alone eating margarine, rice and eggs, so trust me here, I'm not judging you, even if everyone else seemingly is.
EDIT: Wow, the rec list? I kind of hoped... but I didn't think it would happen. It's my first time on it and I'm honored. Thank you for all the support, you guys really have been kind :) Oh, and I lied about not responding. I was in a boring lecture (don't judge me on that either) ;)
EDIT NUMERO DOS: SORRY FOR THE TITLE! The original one I deleted was "I hate being a fat girl, but I hate you judging me more." This one comes from re-wording the HuffPo article. I thought it jumped out a bit more. I'm sorry to atheists, transgendered, middle eastern people, etc. Please avoid discussing how much they're discriminated against in this diary, I mean, feel free to mention it, but let's not have drama fights.
EDIT NUMERO TRES: I know you have good intentions, but I've consulted with my doctor about my diet and it is working. Unless you happen to be a doctor who somehow does know me (Julia is my real name) please kindly stop giving me diet/exercise advice. Gracias.