If you Google "Are you depressed" you'll get 342,000 results.
Of these, 263,000 include some kind of questionnaire, created by psychiatric experts, to gain a more complete picture of one’s mental health.
I picked a couple at random and completed them (the links are below if you'd like to take them yourself).
Each of these questionnaires reached the same conclusion: I suffer from clinical depression. No, really? You’re kidding! What a surprise! Using their measures, I bet most of you are clinically depressed, too.
Feeling as I have over these many months, I've longed to "gain a more complete picture" of my mental health, but found every quiz I took to be lacking.
I needed a different quantifier to measure my depression, and so created my own quiz.
sboucher’s Are You Really, REALLY Depressed Quiz
Instructions:
Use only a #2 pencil.
Don't leave any hanging chads.
Points for each response are in parentheses following.
- The last time you bathed can be measured in:
a. hours (0)
b. days (1)
c. weeks (2)
d. reeks (3)
- The last time you washed dishes can be measured in:
a. hours (0)
b. days (1)
c. weeks (2)
d. every single pot, pan, dish & utensil you own, which is odd because you haven't been eating (3)
- The last time you vacuumed, dusted or cleaned your apartment can be measured in:
a. hours (0)
b. days (1)
c. weeks (2)
d. watch out for the dust-rhinos! (3)
- The time you took to get dressed today can be measured in:
a. minutes (0)
b. hours (1)
c. all day, so I never went out (2)
d. who got dressed? (3)
If you answered (d), answer (d.a). If not, proceed to question 5.
d.a. The time you’ve been wearing the same t-shirt & pajama pants can be measured in:
a. hours (0)
b. days (1)
c. weeks (2)
d. pants? uh-oh (3)
- Today you: (check all that apply)
a. took full doses of all your medications on schedule (0)
b. took full doses of bedtime medications, but forgot the morning ones (1)
c. cut all your pills into pieces because you've already hit your Donut Hole and can't afford to buy more (2)
d. damn, knew I forgot something (3)
- The pile of clothes in the corner is about:
a. There is no pile (0)
b. A week’s worth (1)
c. A couple of months’ worth (2)
d. Five feet high (3)
- The number of days this week you’ve left your apartment is:
a. 7 (0)
b. 5 (1)
c. 1 (2) [Special trip to buy only cat food, add 1/2 point.]
d. I think about three months? (3)
- The number of days this week you talked to someone other than supermarket cashiers is:
a. Seven (0)
b. Five (1)
c. One (my cat) (2)
d. does it count if I talk to myself? (3)
- The hours per day you spend playing mindless computer games just to pass the time is about:
a. 0 – 5 (0)
b. 6 – 12 (1)
c. 13 – 24+ (2)
d. shush, I'm up to elebentygajillion! (3)
- This week, the percentage of time that you felt wretched, despairing, bitter, miserable, anguished, melancholy, sad, grieving, desolation, torment, ennui, malaise, or listened to "La Vie en Rose" is:
a. 0% (0)
b. 50% (1)
c. 100% (2)
d. 110% (3)
Scores
0 – 9 Normal Too normal. I want some of whatever you’re smoking.
10 – 19 Poseur Do some yoga, talk to a friend, ignore all those ads you see on teevee, and you’ll be just fine.
20 – 29 Depressed If you’re not already, please make sure to take care of yourself and get the help you need. We wish you the best, and hope you’ll let our community help you in any way we can. Seriously.
30-36 Really Depressed That totally sucks. Same as "Uh-Oh," but in bold italics. And stop isolating.
37- 44 Congratulations! You are really, REALLY depressed! Join the club, and make sure they don’t give you ECT again!
Links to a couple of the standard depression questionnaires.
Goldberg Depression Questionnaire
ABC Health & Wellbeing
NYU Langone Medical Center Depression Survey