With credentials as robust as those of Elena Kagan, the Republicans must sit up nights thinking of questions and comments that won't make them look stupid (so far they've failed). So, is there anyone who could match the Republicans blow for blow? I think Obama could. But among mere mortals, one slip of the tongue can do you in.
So, the question arises, WWJD if he were nominated for SCOTUS? Meet me over the fold to see how a Republican grilling of Jesus might go. Now, you will find that Jesus is probably more forthcoming on some subjects than most nominees, but then who's going to tell Jesus what he can and cannot say? Not me.
Senator: Is it true, Mr. Christ, that your middle initial is 'H'? You have, have you not, been referred to as Jesus H. Christ? That H. It wouldn't stand for HUSSEIN, would it?
Jesus: You have said it.
Senator: Huh? What does that mean?
Jesus: Pontius Pilate didn't get it either, and we all know what resulted from THAT little misunderstanding. Okay, no. I don't know where the 'H' came from, but I think you may have me confused with Mohammad. As I understand it, he was in the running, but as you can see, I made the cut.
Senator (to audience): As we all know, it's customary for a nominee to meet privately with individual senators to demonstrate credentials. This nominee, however, insisted a little birdie had told him that what we really wanted was not credentials, but litmus test results. He actually declined to meet privately with me, and instead, invited me to attend a meeting where I could sit on the side of a hill with 5000 voters and listen to him expound on his "truths" as he called them. Said there'd be lunch furnished and hoped I didn't mind all-you-can-eat fish and loaves. Highly irregular to say the least. Mr. Christ, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jesus: A city set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither can a senator with a hidden agenda. You should have shown. We had leftovers.
Senator: Okay, never mind that. We've had some disturbing reports that you take a dim view of the military.
Jesus: Are you referring to my mantra that "If a man should strike you one the one cheek, you should turn the other? Is that what you heard?
Senator: Exactly.
Jesus: Yes, I said that. And I meant it. I also said let him without sin cast the first stone. The way that applies to you, senator, is if you want to start a war, you march right down to the recruiting station, get fitted for body armor, lock and load, and lead the first wave. You. Personally. No substitutes. Now, that puts a whole new perspective on turning the other cheek, eh? WAR! (unh unh) What- is- it- good -for? Absolutely nuthin'.
But the troops themselves? Nah, I love 'em as much if not more than Sarah Palin. I think I raised one from the dead once. Or maybe I healed a dependent. Either way, I'd like to see Palin match that....well, I'll admit she almost did, giving birth to somebody else's child while making a speech with no visible sign of pregnancy. I mean, my mom holds the record for miraculous births, but this is a close second.
Senator: Mr. Christ, let's move on. The American people, as you well know, are sick and tired of taxes.
Jesus: Yeah, I know. They're out protesting the lowest taxes in 60 years as we speak.
Senator: So where do you stand on taxes?
Jesus: Well, I don't know what being a Supreme Court Justice has to do with taxes, but then I guess somebody could sue somebody over taxes, so let me just say, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's."
Senator: Yeah, well that's easier said than done. Just ask the Greeks. But I'll take that as a "yes" to big government.
Jesus: You have said it.
Senator: That again. Okay, so what do you think about redistributing the wealth?
Jesus: Give unto each according to his need.
Senator: Whoa! Mr. Christ, I think it's an understatement that what you just said is well within the bounds of socialism.
Jesus: You have said it.
Senator: But...but...how about overburdening the wealthy with taxes?
Jesus: It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Senator: Can you translate that?
Jesus: Sure. If the rich don't want to pay their fair share of taxes, they can go to hell.
Senator: I think we're getting the picture. Now, to shift gears a little, what do you think of gays in the military?
Jesus: I think they can turn the other cheek as well as the next fellow.
Senator: So, what do you think about homosexuality in general? I seem to recall that your father once condemned homosexuality in Leviticus.
Jesus: I warned him not to publish Leviticus until I had a chance to edit it. Actually, I never gave homosexuality much thought. I seemed to be constantly occupied with rescuing adulterous heterosexuals from stonings. Besides, if you notice, another verse in Leviticus near the gay one forbids you to wear clothing of mixed fibers.
Senator: Surely you don't equate the sin of homosexuality with the innocent wearing of a 65/35 blend Hanes tee shirt?
Jesus: Innocent my ass. Do you realize how many American textile mills that have been put out of business with that cheap foreign crap you call fabric?
Senator: So what are you saying?
Jesus: I'm saying the way the old man wrote it, the two are fungible. If one is bad, the other is every bit as bad. Actually, we had to lighten up on the fabric thing, what with all the multi-nationals, consumer demand, all that. It just got too complicated to keep up with, especially after we had to try to figure out what Wall Street was up to. Derivatives. Sheesh. Much more complicated than it was worth. Same with trying to weigh the cost/benefit ratios of heterosexuality and homosexuality. We had to streamline. Not enough room in the New Testament to make any sense out of human sexuality. Who cares? Get over it. Get a life, man.
Senator: Wow! That is not going to fly with the evangelicals.
Jesus. Go figure. Check their labels.
Senator: Okay, one last item, Mr. Christ. I want to be delicate about this, but there are questions about your, uh, mental, uh, suitability for the job. A number of people have reported that you have this delusion that you have appeared in several places at the same time and that you even think you were raised from the dead. How do you explain that?
Jesus: How do you explain how a senator can be hiking in Colorado at the same time he's boning his little hottie on the side in Argentina? And hey, if you think my rising from the dead was a big deal, what about Obama resurrecting healthcare reform from the dead? Now, THAT was a miracle.
Senator: Well, I think that about wraps it up for the day. (Turning to fellow Republican senators) You think we need another day of this, or do we go straight to filibuster?
(Unison): FILIBUSTER!!!