This week, the documentary "Anyone and Everyone" aired on our PBS station. It was on very early in the morning, but I was delighted to see that this incredibly important film was even being shown, at all, here, HERE in our incredibly conservative area.
Connected by having a son or daughter who is gay, parents across the country discuss their experiences in the documentary Anyone and Everyone. In it, filmmaker Susan Polis Schutz, depicts families from all walks of life. Individuals from such diverse backgrounds as Japanese, Bolivian, and Cherokee, as well as from various religious denominations such as Mormon, Jewish, Roman Catholic, Hindu, and Southern Baptist, share intimate accounts of how their children revealed their sexual orientation and discuss their responses.
Youtube trailer
The show was about half-way through, when my teen age son groggily came into the family room and flopped on the couch. As he tuned into what I was watching, he sat up and began to focus on what the parents and their mainly teenage children were sharing.
In the flickering light given off by the TV, I watched my son's reaction with my peripheral vision.
Being a middle school teacher, I know that the homophobic language among his male peer group is rampant -- no matter how much we as a faculty try to enforce our zero tolerance policy make sure that all students understand that disrespectful and hurtful language like that is unacceptable and not tolerated. Though, within our family, we have always been very clear and open about how we don't even get it how people think and feel that homosexuality is somehow an issue, at all, I wondered which set of messages were affecting him the most.
And, I wondered how the powerful messages in the film were being recieved by my son. As a mother in the film tearfully talked about her shock, my son asked me:
Mom, would you mind if I was gay?
And, in that moment, I felt like time and space shifted as if I had gone into some sort Matrix moment. I could actually feel my mind going into hyper-drive to form a response, a good and loving response, somewhere in my subconscious. I didn't want there to be a pause in my response, and I wanted it to be right, and true, and, and -- but I was thinking and feeling so fast that my conscious mind had no time to rehearse -- so I had the weird experience of hearing it real time, at the same time my son did.
And as an odd result, I can still hear what I said:
No, kiddo, I wouldn't mind. I not only wouldn't mind, personally I don't even understand how it's something "to mind" about. I'd be concerned for you since I know that there are some ignorant people out there who think there's something wrong with homosexuality, and you might be hurt or confused by those stupid poeple. But, you might as well be asking me, "Mom, would you mind if like girls?" It's a non-issue for your dad and I, kiddo.
Um, do you think you might be gay?
"Naaaa, I'm pretty sure I like girls. You want a Hot Pocket for breakfast?"
And with that, the credits started rolling for the film, and he rolled off the couch to go fix himself some breakfast.
Pretty sure?
Pretty sure?
I'm pretty sure he likes girls, rather than boys, too. But, the pretty sure in his reply really struck me. The tone he gave those words was important. He's not 100% sure. He's fourteen, and he's in the midst of puberty. His sexuality is in process, in development, and he isn't 100% sure of who he is or who he wants to become in so many ways. My heart frequently aches with empathy for him. This was one of those moments.
I'm pretty sure he is heterosexual, but it struck me that whatever the case, that the moment and conversation (as limited as it was) was probably one of those important teachable moments.
I hope I did okay.
If it turns out that he is homosexual, I'm hoping he heard that he'd find only support from us, at home. If he's heterosexual, I'm hoping that he heard that in our family, and according to our family values, the form of his or anyone elses' sexuality is a non-issue.
I think that's an important point in talking with our kids about sex. It's not enough to just tell them how the mechanics work and how to keep from getting ill or pregnant. It's not enough to simply be supportive of a LBGT child who is coming out. It also means that we need to clearly communicate that sexual orientation is a non-issue for not only them, but also for everyone.
It shouldn't be that we even talk about "gay issues." There are a number of Civil Rights violations that must be resolved that affect some American citizens, and therefore affect us all. period.
Homophobic people are certainly not shy about teaching their children that homosexuality is a sin, and this conversation reminded me that we, as progressives, need to be equally clear in communicating our values to our children as well -- no matter what they are pretty sure they are becoming.
UPDATE: Whoa, Rec List? Thx. But really, the kudos go to the entire Kos community for collective caring.
UPDATE 2: I crossed out the phrase containing the words Zero Tolerance, because it was proving to be a significant distraction to a number of respondents.