In a landsnark decision today, the John Roberts Court overturned a century of legal precedent in it's 5-4 decision today in the case of Temple Money Changers LLC vs Jesus of Nazareth et al. Temple Money Changers LLC, a subsidiary of Bank of America, filed the case when the Republican controlled congress lifted the statute of limitation on criminal challenges against fraudulent lawsuits. The lawsuit was filed by Bank of America when the operations of business was disrupted by angry protesters from the middle east. In the ruling, the Supreme Court sided with the corporate interests, resulting in a ruling on Corporate Personhood.
Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia wrote "If a Corporation has the rights of a person, and free speech is a right too, then money equals speech, and since Bank of America has more money than Jesus, the person with less money can shut the fuck up. Logically, if money is speech, and people are free, than the people with the most money get the most speech."
More on this breaking new below the fold.
The resulting ruling, which comes from a little known rule in American law, changes much of US law, specifically, creating a Corporate death penalty whereby corporations, unions and non profit organizations can be "executed" and have their charter nullified by a group of non elected officials appointed by the court.
Not only will the ruling create a Death Penalty for Corporate Persons under Corporate Personhood (no actually people will be harmed, as one unnamed official has informed us, it's just a phrase.)
Continuing, Justice Scalia stated "But since people die it is this courts decision that all things that are people should die at some point. To do otherwise would be to create some kind of undead abomination that grows and never dies, and we are Christians, so the majority of this court agrees that everything should die. And the other day, at the country club on hole 5, Roberts said to Thomas, Alito and me that we never get to execute anyone, and he was mad because he thought that being the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court meant that he was still allowed to execute people, so Thomas and I thought, "Wait, we CAN execute people", and so we saved up this bit of legislating from behind the bench just to liven up the joint. Sooo, ta dah, Corporate Death Penalty. We can do that. We are the Conservative Majority of the Supreme Court. We can do whatever we want!"
"Oh, and we ruled that arugala is illegal too." Justice Scalia added as he walked away.
So now the people of America head to the local rationing stations, where all Arugula is to be turned in by 3:45pm on Saturday the 21st of December 2010, as decreed by the Supreme Court, and yet the question remains, what was the old, unknown rule in American law that allowed the Supreme Court to interpret the Constitution this way?
When asked, longtime political commentator Bill Moyers stated "Let the buyer beware"
Under the oft forgotten rule of let the buyer beware, Corporations are expected to be sniveling, black hearted, manipulative bastards who think only of themselves and are not expected to know about things like ethics, morals, anything to do with camels and the eye of a needle or basic human decency. Once invoked, the law of let the buyer beware mandates that corporations and conservatives can rob you for the next 15 minutes while Democrats are mandated to lie on the floor cringing in terror for 10 minutes before they get to rob you for the next 5. The law of let the buyer beware is invoked constantly, says one unnamed financial lobbyist, and if consumers can't make good decisions it is quote "their fault, they should do more to inform themselves."
Well this reporter agrees. {snide chuckling, looking shifty eyes nervous}
Later, we will get into the horrible health risks associated with Arugula, which is imported and enjoyed by terrorists. Is it in your town already? And what can you do to protect your school children from it. All that, sports, and the surprise and sudden execution of the ACORN organization declared by the Supreme Court today, all coming up in the next hour with Larry King Live.
Good bye, and have a good night