I now measure my life by the days that go by between wheeling out the garbage. It seems to get closer and closer each week – and, frankly, that scares me.
I am now within 4 months of medicare. I finally brokered the courage to read the government brochure telling me what to expect, and it isn’t pretty!
Medicare isn’t free – well, part of it is – Plan A – that part where I land in the hospital with little options. If I want to see a doctor, then that costs – Plan B - if I want to see a dentist or eye doctor, that costs even more – and forget about drugs. More money there.
If I don’t need them now and gamble, then I am on my own hoping for no major catastrophes until the next enrollment period, when I get slapped with penalties for being too broke to pay the first go-round.
Okay. Getting old sucks – I often joked the alternative was worse, but I’m beginning to think that my best alternative is dying early!
[disclaimer: this is NOT a cry for help - it is a treatise on existence!]
Social security, based on years of free-lancing, is too little to live on – which means I’ve a life of never ending work ahead of me until I’m too old to work and too old to afford to pay for healthcare that I might need. Okay – die younger – that’s the plan!
Obligations require I stick around until my responsibilities end – the old horse, the diabetic dog – but that means that I make the decisions when I can no longer afford the companionship of the gentle beasts that add so much to my life are not happy ones. When these friends go, do I dare take on the responsibility of others? Better now than when I was younger do I understand the old man of 80 who “adopted” my first Samoyed. His reason was that he could not outlive his own, so he did without, coming to play with mine.
That sadness breaks my heart as I, too, must one day sooner than later, make that same choice.
Taking out the garbage.
Why do Wednesdays roll around much quicker than, oh, Saturdays or Sundays? It seems only yesterday that I was emptying the container and waiting to hear the wee hour pickup by the noisy truck that serves to remind me of my own temporary existence on this oh, so unstable ground.
All that I need to do today seems to seep over into tomorrow and then the next day, still piled high on that table, waiting to be sorted and eventually tossed out with the next bag of garbage – dates expired, sales over, bargains no longer available.
Is life simply the time and distance between the pickup of ordinary things, everyday occurrences not completed?
Looking at my future and seeing closure at the end of the path doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t worry me so much as it does frustrate me – this isn’t the way I envisioned the end of this experiment. There is so much to do and so little cooperation from aging fingers, hips and bones. The mind is willing, the body complains vociferously. Sleep is not a friend any longer when I realize that every hour of burrowing deep beneath the covers is yet another goal unreached, another task not completed. I crave the solitude of sleep and yet, resent the time spent renewing this non-renewable life.
So much to accomplish and no idea where to start, I walk in circles and pray for good health (or a winning lottery ticket). The blind optimist in me says that things will work out as they should – the pessimist tells me that if I’m lucky, I’ll get struck by lightening – only to remember that California doesn’t really have decent thunderstorms.
Ah, ponderings on a long night’s journey into day. Time for that never-ending battle of the bed. Maybe I’ll set the alarm clock for 4 hours… and struggle my way into morning coffee and try a new approach – one of denying sleep until there is no longer the ability to resist.
Tomorrow – I’ll think about medicare tomorrow – to “B” or NOT to “B”, that is the question!
Tomorrow - I'll fight another battle - for those who have yet to reach this age - for the political decisions that need to be made - for the change I hope to see in my lifetime.
Tomorrow is another day - and, hopefully, it will be a better one.
I'm going to take a nap for a few hours - all who read this, if you care to share your thoughts on the future, please do - otherwise, ponder in silence and look to where we must go to make this world better. We've a whole lot of work to do between taking out the garbage. I don't think it is possible for one person to do alone.
I guess I'm asking, how can we make a difference? How can we change that which needs changing in the short time ahead of us? We really ARE running out of time.