Forgiveness is not one of my strong suits and I have struggled my entire life to master this. I will admit that it’s still one of the most difficult things in my daily life but I do think that I am finally getting it. I’ve been writing this diary in my head for quite some time and something happened recently that helped me realize that yes, I am able to forgive. And I think I have enough stuff in my head to finally complete this diary. I’m going to give a little background to give this story context so follow me over the fold for one of this gal’s stories of forgiveness.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, my sister and I went camping in a national park in California. She was unhappily married at the time, I was single and we were in our mid to late twenties 25 years ago almost exactly. Two brothers from Virginia pulled up on their motorcycles and camped right next to us. I jokingly said to my sister "I get the one with the beard." And, wouldn’t you know it, but that is exactly what happened! Now, I had never done anything like this before, er, sleep with a stranger. But, it was one of those things that just "felt right" and I fell in love with this young man from Virginia who I will call K. And I will guess that my sister fell in love with J too and the four of us had a marvelous time touring the park, riding around on their motorcycles and camping. I don’t remember too many details, just that I know I was in heaven with K, who I thought was "the one". He was so kind, and gentle and handsome and sexy ;) and everything just seemed to click. I believe that he had similar feelings for me even tho the words were never spoken.
After our time camping, J and K followed us back to southern California where we lived at the time for more fun and frolicking. K stayed with me where I lived alone in a converted garage and J must have gotten a motel room because he obviously could not stay with me, or my sister, whose bed was "otherwise occupied". I was in absolute heaven but my world was about to come crashing in on me because, alas, K was a bit deceptive and never mentioned his girlfriend back in Virginia. Why would he and ruin his vacation fling with his California girl? Ah..... At the end of this wonderful week my phone rang (they must have called home to give a phone number for just in case) and the girl on the other end asked for J or K so I handed the phone to K. And then I heard him lie to her saying "she’s just some girl that J met." Some girl that J met?!?!?!?!? HUH???? I don’t remember too much of what happened after that but the gal that called was M, his girlfriend and the one he would go on to marry. The brothers left the next day I believe because M had called to let them know that their grandfather had died and they were needed back home. I don’t believe K made any commitments to me and I’m not even sure if he told me who M was at that point. I eventually found out who she was and I was left to mend my broken heart.
My sister ended up leaving her husband and moving to Virginia to be with J. They eventually got engaged but never did get married as my sister found someone else that she liked better. Those details are fuzzy, but she ended up staying in Virginia, and is happily married to my brother in law who was the one she left J for. The rest of my story is more complicated but I did end up falling in love again with the true man of my dreams and we’ve been happily married nearly 20 years.
Recently my sister bumped into one of J and K’s family members who told her that K ended up divorcing his first wife and then marrying someone else. And I blurted out "see, he should have married me!" Alas, it was not meant to be. But because of this encounter my sister had, I was curious to see if I could find anything about him on the internet so I googled his name and lo and behold, I found all sorts of interesting things about him! He’s made quite a name for himself in these 25 years since we met. And good for him, I knew he was a smart guy and would be successful at whatever he endeavored to become.
In my search I found pics of him in online magazines but I was having a hard time recognizing him. He had a beard, longer hair and glasses when I knew him and in the pics that I found, he is clean shaven, has ultra short hair and must be wearing contacts now. There was one pic finally where I was able to see the guy that I met 25 years ago and then I knew it was him. I also found an email address for him and decided to make contact. I have no idea why!! But, it ended up being very interesting. It was a fairly short email starting off with "I don’t know if you remember me" (haha) and I reminded him that we met at this park in California and had a fun week together. I told him how my sister had recently run into his family member and that she told me how he had divorced M and married someone else. I also told him a little bit about how my life turned out and that he didn’t need to worry that this was some "fatal attraction" kind of thing because I am happily married, etc. and that I just wanted to say hello. I really did not expect a reply but lo and behold, he did reply!! And he did remember me. Maybe he felt compelled to tell me about what really happened to M? I don’t know but he related that M had become a hard drinker and that he had tried everything he could to get her to get help. He eventually separated from her because he decided he couldn’t be pulled down with her and watching her self destruction was very painful. He didn’t go into too many details, just that her alcoholism took her life at the age of 35. This sent chills down my spine and even as I write it, it still gives me the chills.
He then told me about his current wife, their kids and dog and that his experience with M helped to make him into the right kind of person to partner with his current wife. It was rather poetic actually and very sweet too. It sounded exactly like the guy I had met all those years ago. And I am truly happy for him. It was then that I realized that I have truly forgiven him for breaking my heart all those years ago. Of course it helps that I fell in love and found happiness myself. I didn’t turn into a bitter old spinster woman pining after someone I was never going to be with. And all of a sudden it finally clicked in my head. This is true forgiveness! And, in all honesty, I must have forgiven him a long time ago to be able to go on with my life even tho I was mad at him for a very long time. I am truly happy that he has a happy, successful life. And I have my memories of our one glorious week together 25 years ago. I am happy to know that he remembers me. And I’m thankful to have been truly in love twice in my life.
Now.....I will say that I continue to struggle with forgiveness in general. I have had an ongoing battle of sorts with someone in my life that I considered a friend at one time. I will call her A. But she is the type of person who just will not quit. She is very controlling and demanding and over the course of the past several years it has worn me down. To the point that I just cannot figure out a way to deal with her any more. It started last summer with her aggressive nature and seemingly endless demands on my time. I began to pull away as it was just too much for me to deal with. And then the constant emails asking why I had been so quiet, why I didn’t email her very much any more. In the beginning it was just that I was having a very busy summer and while I was in fact pulling away from her a little bit, her constant emails really sent me over the edge. And then one day, against my better judgment I felt provoked and answered one of her emails asking "did I do something to upset you?" Well, yes you did and here are a few examples.
Oh, I guess the details of this relationship are not important. What is really more important to me is to find a way to forgive A for the "sins she committed" against me. I mean, if I could finally forgive "the one that got away" for breaking my heart all those years ago, surely I can forgive anyone else right?? Ah....the complexity and intricacies of human relationships!
I am up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach so in between bathroom breaks, I thought I’d give this idea of a forgiveness diary another try and perhaps it will help me find a way to better deal with and forgive people like A.
I think I will just end with some quotes I have found over the years that speak to forgiveness. Perhaps by writing them out here I will begin to forgive A.
"Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something that you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself "Am I willing to waste my energy on this matter?" If the answer is "no", then all is forgiven!
Ah, easier said than done but this is an important concept. And one that I continue to struggle with. And perhaps I am just the type that needs extra time to forgive someone for hurting me? Here’s another quote:
"When you forgive, you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven...owns you!"
Yes, yes. Part of my struggle with A is that we both have a need to be right. She comes up with all sorts of notions that simply are not true. But, by arguing with her to try and get her to see "reason", I am wasting precious energy and in this sense she "owns me". No more I say!!
"The hurts won’t heal until you forgive. Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don’t rush it. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus the energy on the healing, not the hurt!"
And, boy does this one speak to me!! I am definitely a person that needs time to forgive as I mentioned earlier. And with A, she has not given me much space in which to take this time to forgive. So I have given it to myself. I will no longer reply to her idiotic emails with her many false assumptions. Thus I won’t expend any more energy and I can try to focus on the healing.
Surely there are others out there in the blogo-sphere who struggle with forgiveness like I do. I’d love to read your stories if you care to share them and perhaps together we can master this thing called forgiveness and live more productive, healthier lives.
It’s now just past 4 a.m. and I’ve been at this for a couple of hours. I’m going to hit publish then try to get some more sleep. Amen and good night.