I’ve suffered a number of losses in my life. Everyone has and they are all different. I am blessed to have both parents still living as well as my husband’s mother. We lost his dad to Alzheimer’s seven years ago. I lost my first husband to an industrial accident 18 years ago. I was lucky enough to have great-grandparents alive when I was young, three grandparents when I was an adult and many aunts and uncles and lots of cousins. Now, at age 51, I look back at all of those whom have left me still here.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
My first loss was when I was barely 1 month old and one of my godmothers died of a stroke. I only knew her through my other godmother who died of cancer in 1990 at the age of 80. I remember two of my great-grandmothers and one great-grandfather. I could tell you lots of stories about them. Their passing seemed natural, one great-grandmother at 99 years, another at 81, my great-grandfather at 93.
The first loss that seemed wrong was my father’s dad when I was 13. He was 72 years old and had a stroke and lingered for 5 weeks. I watched the entire family go through that loss and felt the pain because I saw the grief first-hand (I was at my grandmother’s house to keep food on the table and the dishes washed while everyone else did hospital runs and told stories and cried.) I know how I felt when he died. I was sorry that I had lost someone who loved us so much, but I remember most hurting for my dad who I saw cry for the first time in my life. 72 seems like young now. I’ve lost aunts and uncles ranging in age from 45 to 54 to 61 and now in their 70’s. I am of an age when I am starting to lose cousins. I will probably lose another aunt this year to cancer. I’ve lost dear friends that I will always miss.
So why do I give you a chronology of the losses in my life? Why, because they all helped shape who I am, and because they are all different and affected me differently. A very common thread during each time of loss was that, each time, someone told me: "I know exactly how you feel."
I don’t know exactly how you feel when you suffer loss. Grief is so personal and everyone’s relationship with the departed was very different. I felt differently than my father when his father passed. I felt differently than my cousins when my uncles passed. What I felt when my husband died was very personal to me. When someone had the audacity to say to me "I know exactly how you feel" I wanted to shout, "No, you don’t. He wasn’t your husband, wasn’t your best friend, your lover, your heart. He was mine." My husband was taken from me but my grief was mine. How dare anyone say they knew exactly how I felt!
The purpose of this diary is to let you know that no one knows exactly how anyone else feels, and that is okay. We can empathize, sympathize, listen, touch and care but no one can take on your grief and know exactly how you feel. When someone loses a family member, it’s easy to say "Oh that happened to me too. I know exactly how you feel." What we do when we say that is to take away the other person’s right to grieve in their own way for their own loss. It is an easy thing to do.
We say something that we think is empathetic because we don’t know what else to say. Can I offer a few suggestions of what to say instead? How about "I’m sorry for your loss" or "I’m here for you if you need me" or "Let me know how I can help" or "I wish I could make it better" or just a simple "I’m sorry." Sometimes you don’t need to say anything (and many times you wish people wouldn’t say anything) but just squeeze the hand, offer a hug, kiss a cheek or just a touch on the shoulder. These things say a lot from the people who offer them.
Everyone here is at a different stage in their grief of a different loss. Respecting each other’s grief is one of the reasons that this series is so helpful to all of us. Thank you all for being so caring to others here in The Grieving Room. We may not know "exactly how you feel" but we do know that we all hurt and we need other people to be with us along the way.
The following video isn't exactly what I wanted to say, but it says a lot. I'm not sure it will embed properly from my phone so I'll do it the easy way.
Tommy Reeve - Sorry