Much to my surprise, I have become a Republican.
Not just any Republican but
"one of a carefully selected group of Republican leaders nationwide receiving the enclosed canvass document containing your 2010 canvass of American's Republican Leadership."
I was notified of this in a letter from a fellow Republican leader, in fact the Republican leader in the U.S. House of Representatives, John Boehner (R-Coppertone).
He confided that his colleagues told him to reach out to me "to enlist the nation's most knowledgeable Republican activists in uniting our Party around a principled, conservative agenda."
Apparently John Boehner interpreted their mandate to include sending a photoshopped, bug-eyed photo of a finger-waving Nancy Pelosi, and insisting that getting my opinion is "key to electing a new Republican Majority in congress, ending Nancy Pelosi's reign as Speaker and stopping the Obama Administration's jobs-killing agenda before they do irreversible damage."
This is when the letter hit its authoritative stride, since it was delving into an area in which this current incarnation of Republicans have unmatched expertise, namely how to kill jobs and do irreversible damage.
I am told that based on my response to the canvass document "the National Republican Congressional Committee will learn how best to enlist 10 million Republican activists nationwide."
I am curious what percentage of those 10 million Republican activists are like me, whose activism consists of opening a letter and being surprised to learn that they're activists.
John Boehner wasn't the only Republican in a mood to write me. On the same day I received a slightly more desperate letter from National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman, John Cornyn, who wrote:
"Dear Friend,
Your immediate attention is required on a confidential and time-sensitive matter."
That phrasing sounds just like the beginning of correspondence I got from another friend who recently informed me:
"Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world."
But it turns out Sen. Cornyn needs my attention for something far more important than paying me $10,500,5000.00 through a secured diplomatic account. He needs me to fill out a survey.
He assures me that through this survey "you can help focus our battle against the Obama Democrats' aggressive push to expand the federal government into every area of our lives and businesses that will create a bloated welfare-state with sky-high taxes, limited freedoms, and a culture of dependence."
As I said, Cornyn was more desperate than Boehner, and his letter was subject to more violent mood swings.
What started off as "Dear Friend" quickly devolved into ALL CAPS and exclamation points:
DO NOT DESTROY YOUR SURVEY! The enclosed Republican Senate Leadership Survey is an OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT. Your Survey is REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME ONLY and MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR upon completion of this project.
If you decide not to represent your local voting district in this important Republican Senate Leadership Survey -- please RETURN YOUR SURVEY DOCUMENT -- AT ONCE -- IN THE ENVELOPE PROVIDED."
If you ever needed proof that Republicans crave authoritarians, this letter is Exhibit A.
After he got a hold of himself, Cornyn took a more wistful tone, becoming at once philosophical and nostalgic:
"Ronald Reagan himself once said, "I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing."
Finally there was call to arms and a plea for forgiveness:
We face an uphill battle to break through the biased media smokescreen and the Democrats' non-stop propaganda mill.
But we cannot give up or give in.
That is why I'm asking for your involvement today. I have made this a top priority.
Please do not let our 2008 election losses cause you to lose faith in our Party's principles, our ideals and our leadership.
The results of 2008 have left our Party with tremendous challenges, and I believe great opportunities to return the Republican Party to our founding principles, regain the faith of the American people and usher in a positive new era for the GOP."
Well given all the seemingly insurmountable allied forces against the GOP you may wonder how will intrepid Sen. Moodswing ever prevail. The answer is, by using the only renewable resource that Republicans unanimously approve of manufacturing: rage.
Our Party's greatest victories have always come about when concerned men and women realize that it's time to turn their individual frustration and outrage in a united, focused effort to break through the liberal propaganda smokescreen and make their voices heard."
So the November narrative is emerging. In response to the Democrats, Change We Can Believe In, Republicans offer, Mobs We Can Believe In.
In response to Democrats, Yes We Can, Rep. Boehner offers, No We Can't.
In response to the Democrats permanent archive of 1.1 million voluntary co-signatures to the historic healthcare reform, Republicans offer a signature moment that will also echo for generations to come:
DO NOT DESTROY YOUR SURVEY!