A guy I know said that black kids are raised to think of themselves as oppressed and that this was what was holding black people back, not racism. But "too much attitude."
I found this pretty offensive but tried to respond calmly. This is what I wrote.
Dear Joe,
Did you know that black youths have higher levels of self-confidence than white? (I don't feel like finding the study but it should not be hard.) It is impossible to make generalities that will cover everyone, but the spirit in which black children are raised when their parents are race conscious-- (parent need not be black to be race conscious) is basically one that places a big emphasis on resilience. It's something of saying "you'll have to work harder to get as far as others but that is no reason to give up." It's not sad and oppressed as you described... in fact, that is a stereotype.
So, it's been by resilience that I have succeed. Well, it's not just that there is something else too-- and it is what has made me so aware over the past 5 years of racism. (I never thought about race when I was a teen or in college.)
You see, I don't talk like most other black people, nor do I know much about black popular culture. My parents were very careful to indoctrinate me in the to social norms of the majority culture, and that, along with the traditional black American "never give up" spirit, has served me well.
It's served me well, but it has also left me disgusted at times. (I have never told anyone this before.) But, what I would GIVE to be able to speak AAVE like my grandparents, like my pastor, like my friends-- I feel as though I've been robbed. It took me so long to realize that the so-called "white way" of doing things was no better or worse than the "black way." --all this time my parents had me thinking that there was something WRONG with black culture. I don't think that was their intention, but like you just said, they told me not to talk about racism "Since people will think that you are not willing to take responsibility for your own faults." (People like you, I guess.) They told me not to listen to black music "Since people will think you are promiscuous." They snapped at me if I used AAVE sentence constructions almost as if I had said a swear word. As if it wasn't real language. They advised me to watch my weight since "black women look bigger so you need to be on the thin side to look normal." --
And none of this is even true. Yet they did all of this so I could thrive and excel in school and when looking for a job in the world where is it mostly well-educated white people who call the shots. And I guess it worked. But, there is something wrong with the fact that it is so hard for real cultural diversity to thrive in this country. Don't you think?
For example: I have never had my nails done. My parents said "people will think you are low class" -- and it's true! Many people WILL think that. But, if I got my nails done, like most of the young black women I know, would I suddenly CHANGE? Would I be "too black" -- would it really make me low class?
No it wouldn't.
But, yeah, I would need to work just a little harder to "prove" that I really was a mathematician-- it would be just one more thing like my skin like my gender that doesn't "fit in" in the places where I work.
I used to think when I'd see a black woman being a black women, with styled hair, and lovely long nails in purple, and a little graffiti handbag ... and a "black" way of speaking, that even if the grammar was right, still screamed HARLEM. I'd think "OMG... why don't you act right, then you would be more successful." That's what I grew up thinking.
But, it's not really "acting right" -- it's acting more like the people who are in power, trying to be like them, maybe it's flattery, maybe it's just not rocking the boat, but it can help you to get ahead. Everyone knows that. (Not just black people.) But, let's call it what it is. It's nothing to be proud of. It's not like it really is "better" to act that way--
My students have taught me this. They are so bright. They are so ready to run this town. They are the future and some of them are very black black women, some of them are very Russian Russian men each of them is unique and, as long as they learn the proofs and problems that I teach, they don't need to change their culture as far as I care since they are already amazing the way that they are.
I am conflicted. I feel as though I had a cultural lobotomy against my will. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this. There are lots of people like me. My response has been to simply redefine blackness to suit who I am. To me, being a black black woman is ALL ABOUT doing mathematics. After all, my mom does math and my aunt as well. That's OUR style. I think I can own it.
And I'm secretly studying AAVE at church every Sunday. And I will learn.
And long candy nails could look lovely on a mathematician.