To: The Honorable Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken
From: Mr. Mustard, Medford Oregon
Subject: United States Senate
Dear Senator Franken,
I understand that last week you "mocked" Senator Mitch McConnell while he was speaking on the Senate floor, and subsequently offered Sen. McConnell a written apology because you were chastised for breaking with Senate tradition of genial behavior. I say to you sir that the Senate is broken, in dire need of a culture change and I have a few ideas to help get the staid and out of touch Senate out of their disastrous comfort zone. If issuing apologies is what is required, then issue them daily because you are on to something here.
"The United States Senate, where good legislation goes to die" is the apt phrase these days, from cap and trade, to unemployment benefits; to health care reform this Senate has proven to be more out of touch with American values and needs than Marie Antoinette. Let them drink oil. Let them lose all their savings and homes. Let them speak Chinese, I could go on and on but I digress because if there is ever a group of people who need a poke in ribs, their apple cart upset, or their bubble burst it is the Senators of the United States.
Perhaps you could start small by putting a few whoopee cushions on the chairs of Ben Nelson, Mitch McConnell, and Blanche Lincoln. Imagine the chuckles that would get because we all know Mitch McConnell does not pass wind. He can't because he has that big stick up his butt.
Another thought is casual Fridays, which is done in many work places today. John Kerry can wear his purple heart, and David Vitter can wear his diapers. You could participate by wearing overalls covered in corporate logos much like a NASCAR suit.
Maybe a talent show where John McCain can count his mansions on his fingers and toes, while acting as a contortionist seeing as how he is bending over backwards to get even with President Obama.
You could play a game called how many years does it take for a United States Senator to have government health care and life time pension vs. the number of years it takes for a U.S. citizen to qualify for social security or lose their homes due to an illness.
Another game idea, and we could have the Senator McCain (melanoma) and lame duck Arlene Specter (cancer) lead the fun on this one: How many Senators would be denied private health care due to pre-existing conditions if they had to follow the rules we little people have to follow.
How about team building exercises? You know where employees go on retreats and then fall backwards, where someone has to catch them to build trust? Let Ben Nelson be first and fall into other Democrats and see who catches him.
Oh, you are on to something Senator Franken, and I say let us issue apology after apology if that is all it takes to ridicule Joe Lieberman, and shame Blanche Lincoln.
Another idea is to do a skit, put on a play and you can invite your friends from Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase, Dan Akroyd, Eddie Murphy, Dana Carvey would be good candidates and you all could do a mock health care clinic where you all have to come up with the best lines when having to turn away thousands of sick Americans who don't have access to health care. Maybe, "sorry you lazy bums, clearly you should have saved $8,000 to pay for your appendix operation." Zing! That might even become a new catch phrase.
Or, you could have a skit where John Ensign (Chevy Chase) is trying to explain to his mom and dad (Dana Carvey and Dan Akroyd) why they must write a check of $80,000 or so, to one of his staff members for hush money because he boinked his wife. Oh the ensuing hilarity and you could have Blanche Lincoln be Ensign's mistress, while you are the Jesus Senator Ensign worships so much.
C Street! Don't forget C Street, that bastion of morality where the special Republican Christians who don't actually have to follow Jesus' teachings get special rent prices, can fuck their mistresses and discuss how Adolf Hitler had some good ideas. Now there is some material for you sir.
I could go on and on Senator Franken, because there is so much, but how about a comedy routine called Wall Street Casino? You could set up a roulette game and have the squares marked, IRA's, pensions, derivatives, mutual funds, home mortgages and have Chevy spin the wheel while Dan Akroyd bets and rolls the dice. Then count how long it takes for the Wall Street Casino to take the money from the foolish gambling public. I mean it is a joke right, little people actually expecting investment firms and banks to manage their money professionally. Ha, good one.
There is a game called office bingo, and that might break the ice and get the ball rolling. The bingo cards could have entries like when Mitch McConnell says "tax cuts", or John McCain’s says "wasteful spending", or when John Kyle says "socialism". It is easy, fun and inexpensive. Why I am sure that the Senate could have the cards printed up for $135,000 or so, after all the pork projects are added on.
Senator Franken, I am begging you to continue to shake up the Senate, and by all means apologize afterwards, if that is all it takes. Call me naive, but I don't know why Republicans are allowed to abuse the filibuster rule, allowed to impede all legislation, allowed to slow the pace of President Obama's nominees to a record slow pace, without so much as one network demanding explanation.
The Republicans are allowed to create wars, hide the cost of those wars from the operating budgets, and then scream "deficits" when Democrats publish a real budget. The Republicans are able to yell "free market" after they outlaw drug importation and give out no-bid contracts. They are able to scream "socialists" after doling out TARP money to banksters with few if any strings thus having privatized profits, and socialized losses. Free market my ass.
The Senate could use a poke, is in dire need of some good old fashioned horse play because it has lost all touch with reality. The irony of it is the United States Senate is the joke. It would be funny, if it were not for the suffering, devastation, and ensuing climate chaos caused by these clowns.
If you must, stand up and on your desk and drop your pants, moon the sons of bitches, slap your ass and make monkey noises at your institutional colleagues, but by all means mock them some more.
Maybe a practical joke or two. Let's see, you could say that President Obama has invited all Senators to Camp David for a historic chance at bipartisan legislation, but they have to all ride in busses together. Then, once you get them on the busses, actually take them to a white militia camp! Imagine the looks on their faces. All in good fun.
Are you the one that will challenge the pathetic Republican and DINO Senators, and stir things up? I suppose you have millions of dollars already, you do have lifelong health care and the Senate pension.
So be different than John McCain who has mansions and millions and will gladly melt the Earth and continue to kill animal species at a historic rate for a few more years of power. You have everything life has to offer sir, so will you NOT sell out your country just so you can call yourself Senator?
Break the rules, mock the bastards, and for crying out loud fight for universal health care, reducing carbon emissions, and the end to corporate control of our country.
Or, if you need a push to get started, read this letter to the Senate, it will probably make them all break a rib laughing so loudly at such a simple person like me.