JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group announced yesterday that it is foreclosing on the entire city of Cleveland, after spending an estimated $3.2 billion to buy the Governor, State Attorney General, Secretary of State, and an estimated two thirds of the State legislature, as well as the State’s Supreme Court.
The purchase of Ohio’s government was engineered by JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group after CEO Dewey Cheatham blew a gasket when Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner filed a motion in court seeking to dismiss a foreclosure action by the company. In her motion, Secretary Brunner alleged that required papers recently submitted by JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group did not have any actual signatures on them, just random soup and pizza stains and what appeared to be smudges of dog dung.
All residents of Cleveland were forced to leave their homes within 24 hours. JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group, issued a statement thanking President Obama for ordering the various units of the armed services, plus the Coast Guard, as well as the National Guard, to direct the evacuation process and provide transportation out of the Cleveland area. Special field medical units were assigned to assist in transporting hospital patients out of the Cleveland area.
This unique military operation was financed by a special Treasury bond of $2.2 billion, which was structured, marketed, and bought by JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group. Investment analysts were excited by the new level of sophistication the bond brought to the market. The interest rate is based on a complex formula that measures the average duration of sun spots over the past year, except for when the number of sunspots does not yield a high enough interest rate to fulfill the buyer’s profit expectations. In that case, the interest rate is based on the observed instances of various moon phases in any period determined at whim by the bond holder.
Responding to critics who argued that the costs of Cleveland’s evacuation should be paid by JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group instead of by the government, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed the critics as "professional leftists" who "will not be happy until there’s world peace, the Beatles get back together again, and people stop losing their homes."
Slurry Snobbers, the President’s new appointed "Czar of all economic things, and then some besides" hailed the evacuation of Cleveland as a clear sign that the administration’s economic recovery program was working. "President Obama’s latest reform of the financial system, making any document originating from JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group a government directive with the new "super-secret" classification already assigned to it, has made it much easier for the big banks to move quickly to strengthen their balance sheets by seizing control of virtually any property they want, and without having to wait for any quaint and archaic’due process of law’ stuff," Snobbers said.
When asked about criticisms that the new reforms seriously weakened the rule of law, Snobbers cited recent studies which show that the rule of law is economically inefficient. "You can’t put a price on justice," Snobbers explained. "That makes it nearly impossible for a free market to work. And without a free market, you inevitably get waste and other inefficiencies."
Snobbers added that "We strongly believe that the new reform will result in significant cost savings to the government. The new reform effectively makes whatever JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group decides, the law of the land. That should streamline the whole process, and we will be able to "resize" many government functions, such as courts. Personally, under this new reform, I don’t see why we need any courts at all. The big banks can do what the courts do, much more efficiently."
When a reporter asked him what he meant by "big banks," Snobbers apologized, and stated he meant to say "THE big bank."
"Hey, we all know there is only one multi-national money center bank qua investment house left in America: JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group. And what’s good for JP Morgan Stanley Chase Bank of America Wells Fargo Citi Group is good for America!"