I've been having trouble sleeping lately. My thoughts and heart race, I toss and turn, try to make my mind go blank then wake up with a startle two minutes later. I have something hanging over me like a creeping nightmare, a shadow that pulls at me and won't let me relax to slip away into slumber.
My partner is from the UK and her work visa expires in year (more details here). I'm almost at my wits end because we don't know where we're going to be living in a year. It sure would be nice if I could sponsor her for residency, but the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and a lack of real action on the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) make that impossible. Her employer has stated that they may be able to sponsor her for a Canadian visa, but there's been no word on that. A recent comprehensive immigration reform bill introduced by Senator Menendez does in fact include the UAFA but its passage depends entirely on the Democrats keeping their promises and keeping their majority in Congress. We have a long road ahead of us and we don't know where it ends.
Our hopes almost rest on the recent court decisions on DOMA and same sex marriage. I do anticipate that in a few years, DOMA will be gone, not necessarily through any act of Congress but through the fair application of the law. And at that time we will be among the first in line to utilize our newly gained equal rights.
For us this is politics made extremely personal. Why are other people in our business? We should be able to live freely without this hanging over us. We don't have the ability to engage and plan like other couples. It hurts and affects our relationship to not know what's coming. We're both at the point in our lives where we want stability and it's just not there.
Someone I met the other day pointed out that the way we speak about this actually de-values our relationship - instead of saying, well, we could get married if want, it becomes "well, we have to wait and see what Congress or her job can do for us." Instead of like normal couples, who largely have free agency, we have no control.
There is a degree of uncertainty in any relationship. But two things make this especially difficult: 1) Most people know their likely physical location in a year's time, and 2) I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming. Uncertainty causes a high degree of anxiety and pushes me to do everything I can to have some control.
This takes a toll on my family also, especially on my mom, who for some reason thought we needed to leave this year. She's also a planner and no doubt going through the same kind of anxiety. And our elderly kitty. There are rules for taking her to different countries but because we don't know where we'll be, we don't know what needs to be done. Safe side I guess is just to do everything six months before. Travel with her will be stressful. We're lucky that we don't have children to worry about. Many other couples in our situation do have children which makes it infinitely harder.
I guess this is a lesson for me about living in the moment? :-/