It is a dark and stormy night. PaulDem (a fictional character who bears only a passing resemblance to PaulDem) casually goes about his business picking up a half gallon of soy milk from Cumberland Farms. Just as he returns to his car, a black van screeches to a halt beside him, and four masked terrorists jump out. They pull PaulDem into the van, sending the soy milk splattering all over the ground.
As soon as the terrorists return PaulDem into their dank lair, they alert the media of the abduction and issue their ransom request. They want a billion dollars, immunity from prosecution and ownership of Nantucket Island or they vow to kill PaulDem.
Later at the White House, President (a fictional character who bears only a passing resemblance to Barack Obama) is called to the situation room and informed of the abduction.
Although the United States has a long standing policy of not negotiating with terrorists, the President feels that by engaging the terrorists and showing them that he can be a reasonable partner for change, they may renounce their lives of crime and mayhem.
The President's aides and advisers tell him that the United States has all the military and law enforcement tools to free PaulDem without needing to engage the terrorists. Not to be deterred, the President vows to step in immediately and personally negotiate for PaulDem's release.
"I won't let this drag on like health care reform," the President thinks to himself and immediately books time for a televised address to the nation.
At the appointed hour, the President speaks to his people:
"My fellow Americans," he says, "we are all shocked by this nefarious crime. You should know, however, that I intend to win the release of PaulDem by any means necessary. They have issued completely unreasonable demands, but we are determined to succeed. In fact, as a show of good faith I can confirm right now that I have preemptively pardoned all the terrorists and we have wired a billion dollars to their bank account. Nantucket is still under consideration but the governor of Massachusetts won't return my phone calls. I think we may be able to make that one happen, though. In any event, I am completely committed to returning PaulDem unharmed to his family. God bless you, and God bless America."
"Well that went well," the President says as his advisers eye each other nervously.
Just then a phone rings in the Oval Office. It is answered and handed to the President with the terrorists on the line.
"Mr. Terrorist," the President answers, "as you have certainly heard by now, I have already given you most of your demands, and we're still trying to get Nantucket done. I have a good feeling about it. So will you hand over PaulDem?"
"No," says the terrorist.
"Now look here, Mr. Terrorist, you have everything you wanted. I've pledged to work with you to resolve the situation and I really need this win. Isn't there anything we can do to work this out?"
"We want to kill PaulDem anyway," the terrorist responded, "and it won't be pretty. Ha ha ha ha."
"Killing PaulDem would be completely unacceptable!" says the President.
"But if we we can't kill PaulDem, we'll tell the whole world how mean you were to us," warned the terrorist as he hung up the phone.
"Damm," says the President, "What are we going to do now?" He asks his Chief Adviser (a fictional character who bears only a passing resemblance to David Axelrod), to appear on Meet the Press and explain our position."
That Sunday, the Chief Adviser appears on Meet the Press and says "I want to reiterate it is the Presdent's firmly held position that he will never agree to the heinous torture and killing of PaulDem. The host (a fictional character who bears only a passing resemblance to David Gregory) quips, "but does that mean that the President would accept the murder of PaulDem without torture and see that as a victory?" The Chief Adviser nods, then shakes his head. Then he nods again while winking at the camera. Then he runs offstage.
A furor in the progressive blogosphere erupts and the Chief Adviser has to walk back his ambiguous nodding. "Nothing has changed in POTUS's position," he texts. Then he closes his Twitter account.
Back at the White House the president calls the terrorists back. After forty-five minutes on hold listening to a repeating instrumental version of The Candy Man, the President finally gets the terrorists on the line.
"Maybe it was a bit hasty of me to take killing PaulDem off the table," says President, "if you just shoot him without torture, we'll call it a deal and you can come to the Rose Garden announcement. Oh and Nantucket is definitely in."
"Not good enough," the terrorist answers, "we definitely want to torture him before we kill him. We're leaning towards dipping him face first in battery acid."
"Not that!" the President screams, "the family won't be able to do an open-casket funeral after I said they'd get him back unharmed. If his face is all messed up I'm going to look like a bad negotiator." Before he can hang up again in disgust, the Secretary of Defense gets on the line.
"How about this," the Defense Secretary (a fictional character who bears only a passing resemblance to Robert Gates) interjects, "what if you waterboard PaulDem before you kill him. Then you get to torture him, we get to say it wasn't torture and everyone wins."
"And his family gets him back without a blemish," the President adds. "You're a genius, Mr. Secretary."
At the Rose garden ceremony, with his the terrorists at his side, the President signs over the deed to Nantucket and gives them a hearty handshake. The completely unharmed corpse of PaulDem lies on display as a testament to the President's success.
The President, seeing the distraught family of PaulDem, whispers to his advisor, "tell PaulDem's family to stop crying uncontrollably. Don't they know this was a major victory? They're going to ruin it for everyone."