Esby here, and I've been detained at the airport by the TSA. Apparently, when I went through, I was flagged for hiding metal in my molars. Then I was accused of trying to transport a full human skeleton inside my body across state lines. Finally, there was the issue of the metal plate in my head, which of course blocks aliens from beaming messages to me from outer space telling me to put on a powdered wig and amass an army of other followers with picket signs to take over the planet.
They tried to pry out the metal plate with a pair of rusty pliers and a KFC spork, but luckily one of the obese TSA agents needed the spork back to scrape the last grease from the Double Down wrapper from his lunch while rubbing his crotch and watching bizarre, alien-like anonymous androgynous x-ray pictures.
Detooled, the TSA agent reluctantly let me go after a brief punch to the testicles and handing me a grape lollipop. Here is what the other airport travellers said:
Christianity is not a religion of pacifism.
—Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, in response to criticism against him for saying the Medal of Honor has been feminized.
Do we need to start profiling Christians, then?
Maybe I should charge them a baggage handling fee.
—Lewis Black on the TSA patdowns.
The salient point is this: Uncle Sam needs to know exactly what you're packing for the War on Terror.
—Jesse Adelman for McSweeney's.
We should have put out some type of feelers and talked to the American people before we go and implement this kind of plan.
—Rep. Allen West (R, FL)
Oh, we put out some feelers, all right. They're called the TSA.
We all know that the grandmother who's being body searched doesn't really pose the threat.
—Gov. Bobby Jindal.
Except the Muslim grandmothers, obviously.
He was pres. of the Harvard law review, a constitutional scholar and a Senator. And you?
—Roseanne Cash, twittering to Sarah Palin about Obama's resume.
She compares herself to Reagan. But Reagan didn't mud wrestle with the press.
—Mona Charen on Palin.
And someone like Sarah Palin or somebody that is articulate and compelling and has a positive optimistic message, can reach out to this new engaged younger voter.
—Kate Obenshain on Sean Hannity.
Or somebody articulate and compelling. Or.
Do you feel a little like Custer right now?
—Neil Cavuto to Senatorial candidate Joe Miller (R,AK).
I think that's custard with spoiled milk. Yolk yolk.
Barack Obama is opposed to the draft as a matter of principle, to be sure. But the president’s drive to repeal the ban on open homosexuality in the military could have this unintended consequence: It could bring back the draft.
—Family Research Council's Tony Perkins.
Because everybody that enlists wants to go straight to sunny Afghanistan.
They are creating an unprecedented shortfall of judicial confirmations and, ultimately, a shortage of judges available to hear cases. For many Americans, this means justice is likely to be unnecessarily delayed — and often denied.
—Judge Timothy Lewis .
There is a natural aversion to more government regulation. But that should be included in the debate about how to respond to climate change, not as an excuse to deny the problem’s existence.
—former Rep. Sherwood Bohelert (R, NY)
GOOD TRY, DAVID GREGORY! One day, you will successfully fool somebody into spilling his secret plan to run for President!
—The Huffington Post's Jason Linkins, on every newscaster trying to pop the question to every candidate on their news show.
He has to realize that Mitch McConnell has virtually said so that politically he wants to cut out his heart and throw his liver to the dogs. He has to be a fighter.
—Dan Rather on Obama.
The Daily Caller, to its credit, is not one of Andrew Breitbart's frothing cesspools. It has settled on being more like a low-rent Daily Beast, or HuffPo with poorer standards of reporting and slightly fewer celebrity nipple galleries.
—Alex Pareene, on Salon.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from around the internets, comes out every Tuesday around lunchtime.