(Washington, DC, Sometime Next Spring): A bipartisan group of Representatives introduced the Christmas Every Week Act (HR 1225) today, proposing to celebrate Christmas every single Wednesday instead of once a year. Lead sponsor Chris "Kringle" Murphy (D, CT) introduced the measure after marveling at the volume of work done by the Senate in the waning days of the 111th Congress. "We noticed that the only thing that gets the Senate's act in gear is the threat of being in DC on Christmas," said Murphy. "So we figure it's a fantastic way to get them to actually, you know, vote on stuff year-round."
The bill won immediate praise from interest groups as diverse as the Chamber of Commerce and Future American Voters, a lobbying group formed by America's 5- to 12-year-olds. FAV spokeskid Dylan Peters of Fort Worth, TX said "We think it's awesome. It's good for stores, but it's even better for kids!" Peters also pointed out that many of those in his organization are, in fact, bad. "That's good news for the coal industry!" he added, noting that the entire West Virginia and Kentucky delegations signed on as co-sponsors when he mentioned that.
The introduction of the bill by Congressional Democrats was seen as a clever tactical move by a party now in the minority. "Up 'til now, the Republicans owned Christmas," said MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, offering no evidence whatsoever. "Sure, 2010 might have been the year of the Tea Party, but now it looks like 2011 will be the year of the Hot Cocoa Party -- the Democrats." Scarborough, the former Florida congressman who voted to impeach President Clinton six days before Christmas, 1999, summoned Harold Ford to validate his opinion. It isn't important what Ford said. Even Bill O'Reilly gave the Democrats some credit, while taking most of it for himself. Speaking from his fourth vacation home in Belize, the Fox News regular-guy pundit declared victory in the War on Christmas. He opined, "You can't use the words 'Season's Greetings' when Christmas falls in every season. Makes no sense. It's obvious that these pinheads have finally seen the light and know I'm right. And that's what's important. That I'm right. No matter what I say. Even if I'm just inventing controversy out of thin air, cherry-picking examples and spinning like a dreidel... what's that in the teleprompter -- dreidel? What does that mean? I don't know what that means -- dreidel. Alright, go, go... Fuck it! We'll do it live!"
Representative Murphy tried to play down the horserace politics angle and focus on HR 1225's potential to help enact legislation. "As a member of the House, I've been frustrated by the Senate's inability to act on legislation. But in December of last year, I saw so much voting in the Senate that it began to resemble a functioning chamber of the legislative branch of the United States government. I thought 'if Christmas makes Republican Senators do their jobs, maybe it should be Christmas all the time.'"
Other members of Congress are skeptical. Iowa's Steve King observed that Santa Claus is not, in fact, American, and therefore works illegally in the US. "Once a year, even I can look the other way. But every week? That's practically amnesty!" Michele Bachmann (R, Outer Space) sees a conspiracy afoot. "This is a government takeover of Christmas, no doubt about it. What is Christmas all about these days? The redistribution of gifts, that's what! This whole thing is a socialist's dream. If you have Christmas every week, you're just creating a massive new entitlement. I want my Christmas back!" FAV spokeskid Peters dismissed Bachmann's concerns, suggesting that she was a "mean lady" who "probably reminded teachers when they forgot to assign homework over vacation."
The bill is expected to pass the House without much difficulty. It has attracted votes from some members of the majority including Republicans Erik Paulsen whose district includes the Mall of America as well as freshmen Todd Young (representing Santa Claus, IN) and Sandy Adams, who represents Christmas, FL. "I'll never vote against Christmas," said Adams.
However, Democratic and Republican strategists alike warned that we may not actually see fifty-two Christmases a year any time soon. The measure is expected to stall in the Senate, which is totally ironic and about par for 2011.