Another devastating release this week of leaked documents revealing child slave labor practices, toxic dumping, and rampant extortion. In 14,512 leaked documents, it was revealed that Santa's North Pole corporate headquarters have been violating literally hundreds of international regulations regarding all measure of worker safety, privacy, and human rights as well as engaging in securities fraud, money laundering, and racketeering. Other documents revealed a shocking amount of unregulated product mislabeling, including marking pork products as kosher, using industrial chemicals as sweeteners in candy and denture-creams, and a level of intellectual property violation international investigators have deemed so expansive as to render all patents, trademarks, and copyrights meaningless.
Rumors are that a disgruntled elf who worked in the clerical department of Santa's North Pole corporate headquarters used a mallet and crosscut saw to make a wooden copy of a hard-drive containing what can only be described as deeply disturbing revelations. The elf was apparently upset over having been laid-off after 73 years working in the workshop at minimum wage in yet another wave of third-world outsourcing, and for having his severance package, pension, company housing, credit cards, sleigh, pets, and wife looted by senior management who cited liberal socialist Nazi elf unionization as making their business model less profitable than a typical respectable median organized criminal enterprise.
Some of the more shocking revelations from the documents thus far:
Since 2003, Santa's workshop has been outsourcing 64% of its gift assembly operations to a South Pole child slave labor syndicate managed by interests in the Northern Mariana Islands. Secret correspondence between Santa Claus, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, and Wal-Mart executives reveal that children are often forced to work in sub-freezing temperatures for 72 hour work shifts and were administered a methamphetamine-Prozac solution through IV drips supplied by Ely Lilly who is conducting medical experiments on the children. They were also paid in company tokens only usable at participating Supermercado de Wal-Mart stores.
In 2009, a software bug in the NON-Plus (Naughty Or Nice) tabulation system created for Santa's Office of Strategic Services by Ohio based Diebold Inc. reversed an average of 6.2% of all Christmas present allocations in favor of Naughty. Apparently, Diebold built the tabulator on a 5 year old software platform originally created for their electronic voting machines. U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell threatened to filibuster any attempt to rectify the error with a 'gifts for the nice stimulus package', and demanded that until the 6.2% error was made permanent, he would block a Democratic bill providing critical life-saving healthcare to U.S. soldiers who suffered critical injuries in hand to hand combat stopping terrorist suicide bombers attempting to blow up orphanages.
Additionally, it was revealed that a secret fund of $72.4 million intended to prevent any international intervention in Santa's corporate activities was funneled through 12 different nations and front organizations into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in time for the 2010 U.S. elections. A spokesman for the Chamber of Commerce said that none of the $72 million was used for electioneering, and was primarily allocated to pay for the Chamber's office supplies and janitorial services for their Washington D.C. office. In a related WikiLeak, it was revealed that 96% of the janitorial employees contracted by the Chamber were undocumented immigrants from Uruguay.
In March of 2006, an improperly welded valve released 286,000 gallons of highly radioactive reactor coolant into the cooling system of the neighboring North Pole injection molded plastics plant. All Christmas gifts containing plastic components and sub-assemblies manufactured since 2006 have been highly radioactive, a fact which was unreported by US inspectors whose funding was eliminated by the previous Congress in exchange for lavish Roman orgy-themed fondue and sex parties at the Watergate office complex - parties which Mr. Claus personally attended on at least 7 occasions. WikiLeaks administrators claim there are over 400 hours of footage from a laptop webcam that was accidentally left on in a credenza next to the suite's mini-bar by U.S. Senator John McCain who had been using the computer to show attendees pornographic pictures, mostly of a former Bush White House reporter revealed to be a gay male prostitute posing as a Marine. The 2.3 gigawatt reactor purchased through an Iranian subsidiary of Halliburton is named Big Dick after the former CEO of Halliburton who personally negotiated the deal while serving as Vice President and who traded the names of covert US agents in exchange for funds to help finance the reactor.
The reactor powers Santa's global ice-sheet melting system which is intended to accelerate worldwide ice melt to expose valuable ores trapped beneath thousands of feet of glaciers tens of thousands of years old. In secret correspondence with former president George H. W. Bush, Santa Claus is revealed to have obtained a 21% stake in lead ore-seeking Barrick Mining through 14 different front companies, including Outback Steak House and Amway. On a positive note, frequent leaks from the unregulated reactor are now believed to be responsible for spectacular aurora borealis over the past 8 months, which Sarah Palin says are so bright she can sometimes see Russia from her porch at night.
Additional emails intercepted from front-company internal correspondence reveal an elaborate plot to blow up Gulf Coast oil drilling platforms, blame Greenland and Chili for acts of terror, mire the US in a decade-long war with both nations where thousands of tons of bunker-busting bombs would be dropped on recently exposed glacial fields to shift the cost of mining explosives onto what senior executives called "dumb-ass US taxpayers". The plan was indefinitely delayed when internal memos revealed their belief that the April, 2010 Deepwater Horizon explosion had been preemptively carried out by Blackwater Security, hired by Koch Industries, hired by News Corp, hired by Monsanto's genetically modified rice division, hired by Dick Armey, hired by Karl Rove hired by Koch Industries with the intentions of forcing President Obama to attack northern India through Pakistan from Afghanistan thereby disrupting call centers handling customer service calls for Sam's club competitor and Democratic Party donor Costco where competitive mining operator Pat Robertson is alleged to have a membership. Other documents reveal funds for the operation were already being funneled through the office supply and janitorial account of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's Washington D.C. office.
"This is just scratching the surface of the surface off the surface," said an anonymous WikiLeaks spokesperson through an encrypted tweet, forwarded from a hidden facebook account mirroring a MySpace page encoded in binary Pig Latin. "If Wall Street stealing the entire American middle class twice doesn't bankrupt Christmas - what we reveal about Santa during the after-Christmas sales season will!" Santa Claus issued a statement through his spokesman at PR firm Scanlon Gould that the charges against him are "a liberal socialist Nazi plot by liberal socialist Nazi disgruntled atheist elves who don't believe in Santa Claus." Mr. Claus has retained council and is currently residing in Mogadishu, Somalia hoping to evade US Justice Department officials' attempted delivery of a sternly worded letter.
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UPDATE: A revelation that could send the global financial markets into a tail spin - 4 major US investment banks have nearly $3.2 trillion in what is being called a present re-gifting Ponzi scheme that may cause a collapse of the Christmas bubble. Apparently in the scheme, enabled by the Federal Reserve and known about for two years but not interfered with by the Justice Department, millions of gifts were securitized as collateralized debt obligations, and sold as AAA rated securities by Goldman Sachs and other major investment banks. Nearly $200 billion of TARP funds and $3 trillion of zero interest Federal Reserve loans were folded into the scheme where presents re-gifted as many as eight separate times were recorded on lenders' books as eight separate assets.
Credit default swaps by major U.S. health insurance companies who have been investing up to 94% of customer premiums in high-risk market instruments rather than health care for their customers are now demanding a $2.4 trillion government-funded bailout, threatening to unplug everyone from every life-support machine everywhere even if they're not policy holders. House Speaker-elect John Boehner made an impassioned plea to transfer the entire Social Security trust fund into a financial bailout of the health insurance and investment banking industries, breaking out in tears as he recalled his rise to Speaker from tobacco industry bribe whip. The White House is considering transferring half of the trust fund, which Republican leaders have said they would accept if the President would also make permanent a zero percent tax rate on all income over $250,000 and eliminate both the estate tax and capital gains tax entirely.
The information was unintentionally leaked from an "insurance file" intended to prevent the arrest or physical harm of WikiLeaks administrators. Apparently one of the administrators attempting to sync his iPhone with iTunes accidentally entered the wrong password 3 times triggering the automatic dissemination.