(I don't think this is actually snark, hence the question mark in the title - but it's a totally fictitious news item I've written after a funny Facebook & Twitter exchange)
WASHINGTON, DC | Saturday January 15 2011
Consolidated Press (CP) - Scientists Announce Unprecedented Space-Time Discovery - Staff writers
A consortium of internationally-recognized space observers announced today that they have seen, for the first time, pictures of the much-sought Reince Priebus (pronounced "Rinse Preebus") Galactic Garbage Belt.
((more))
Internationally renowned astrophysicist Dr. Vlad Impalerovski explains the importance of finally being able to see the Reince Priebus Galactic Garbage Belt:
"Pretty much since the inception of space observation, scientists - metaphysical, astrophysical, and existential - have been tracking what is now known as the Reince Priebus Galactic Garbage Belt." Impalerovski said. "It first came to the attention of the international space observation community decades ago. It showed up on our deep space probes as a disturbance. Leading astrophysicists described it as a series of black holes far in the outer reaches of space, clustered closely together. Given the known volatility of black holes, the space community has been watching this Belt in the decades since."
German astrophysicst Dr. Flasch Gordonmensch explains why these black holes were of particular interest to the broader scientific community:
"We were receiving signals that we estimated originated from the region containing the black holes," he explains. "It's taken us years and the very best cryptographers on the planet, but we recently managed to decode some of these signals, which appeared too structured to be simply random space noise."
The signals were revealing. A few samples of what has been decoded are below:
"You're either with us or you're against us."
"Mission Accomplished."
"Bring it on."
"Paling around with terrorists."
"Guns protect people from tyrannical governments."
"Greatest healthcare system in the world."
"Death panels."
"Preemptive war."
"They're coming for your guns."
"Taxes are evil."
"The government is evil."
"Poor people had it coming."
"Brown people are scary and bad."
"Don't retreat, reload."
"2nd Amendment remedies are good."
"Blood libel."
American NASA scientist Dr. Avery Real was among the first to see the decoded messages:
"We knew that there was something systematic about these signals we were receiving, but we didn't know what they said. At the same time, the instability of the Reince Priebus region was troublesome to the space scientific community."
At a press conference held earlier today, 10 of the world's leading scientists explained what they saw and what it means:
"It appears to us that these clustered black holes were literally being fueled by stupidity. The more stupidity they sucked in, the bigger and more unstable they became. As they became denser and denser, they literally imploded." The result of the implosion was the Reince Priebus Galactic Garbage Belt.
"We've been able to see some of the objects and matter that comprise the Belt," said Dr. Impalerovski. "The oddest thing is that the objects in the Belt itself are totally useless - they're space trash. They have no practical value to life in the solar system. There's literally nothing to be learned from extracting samples and bringing them in for further study."
Dr. Rellah Tivetty, a well-known existentialist, sounds a dire warning:
"It seems that, despite its overall uselessness in the expanse of space, the Reince Priebus Galactic Garbage Belt does carry a useful lesson for those of us here on Earth. Stupidity, it seems, can concentrate, become denser and heavier, and eventually literally collapse in on itself, spewing forth useless space trash. This trash has no probative value whatsoever, yet still takes up space."
Scientists will release their final recommendations on the relative hazzards and lessons of the Belt later this year.
(Note: diary title edited/shortened so that the "Snark?" would show on the recent diaries list and save people trouble if not interested!!)