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Welcome to the Weatherdude Weekly, I'm your host Weather Weatherdude. The current time is 20:20 GMT. The weather for today will be Barbara Bush -- cold, white, and getting really old now. Today's lottery numbers are 2-4-6-8-Whom Do We Appreciate. Your Deity of the Day is Bastet. And now the news.
12 Killed In Runway Accident
12 people were killed today when an aircraft mistakenly landed on Tyra Banks' model runway. Observers call this the worst tragedy in the modeling industry since the discovery of calories.
Iowa Bans Same-Snow Marriage
The State of Iowa banned same-snow marriage on Monday, hours before a devastating blizzard was forecast to impact the region. Advocates of the ban say that by banning same-snow marriage, it will prevent the immoral cohabitation and co-mingling of two snowflakes of the same dendritic shape. When asked about the ban, one pastor said "This ban is the only way to prevent our country from certain destruction and ensure the safety of our children and families. Banning this immoral heathendom will protect the sanctity of our schools, roadways and daily lives. I, for one, am glad that we will never have to deal with accumulations of same-snow couples again."
In unrelated news, the pastor's church is closed for the week due to impassable roads.
Velociraptors Blamed For Power Outage
A 6-hour long power outage that forced a local university to cancel classes is blamed on a velociraptor invasion. Fox News reports that President Obama's healthcare plan allowed stem cell researchers to nurture 7 velociraptors to life in an Alabama laboratory. Due to the country's lax state of security since the Obama administration took power in 2009, the tiny-armed, speedy little dinosaurs were easily able to escape from the lab and wreak havoc in local neighborhoods. Said one resident who wished to remain unnamed: "Whurl gud dumgen pow dun gun din bin gurka durr." When contacted, local officials echoed his sentiments.
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Welcome back. And now, more news...
Alcoholic Arrested For Kicking Habit Without Jesus
A recovering alcoholic in Mississippi was arrested on Wednesday for reportedly kicking his habit without the help of Jesus. The self-proclaimed atheist said that he was able to stop drinking without first accepting Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. The local District Attorney is seeking the death penalty.
Blizzard Destroys Abstinence-Only Program
An abstinence-only program in Illinois is in shambles this evening after the blizzard snowed in every adolescent from Texas to Maine. With nothing else to do, instances of masturbation have increased two-thousand percent in 24 hours. When questioned by the Weatherdude Weekly how this practice ruined the program, the director of the program produced 3 grunts into the telephone before hanging up.
That is all the news for today, see you next time. From all of us here at the Weatherdude Weekly, good night.