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So, in  my last diary, I talked about losing the first hundred pounds on my weight loss journey.  The following is a sort of continuation of that diary, where I wrote my thoughts on what was to come.

At the time, I was still unemployed, and prospects didn't look that great.  Plus, I was still having a lot of thoughts that many of us in this position have--about self worth, self esteem, and the like.   Sometimes writing them down makes it feel better.

Anyway, on with the story:

Dated February 17, 2010

So, the first hundred pounds is gone. Yay for me. I have turned back time to sometime before the election. I don't know--perhaps it was the depression from losing the full time status I had at school, and the scramble for work. Perhaps it was the stress I had during that job, as I watched, hopeless, as nothing I did worked. Perhaps it's the feelings of failure and hopelessness at not finding a job and thinking I'm a failure as a teacher, perhaps it was the loss of my father, perhaps it was just laziness and sloth and gluttony. Whatever the reason, looking back on the last couple of years, I was NOT a Happy Paul. And so I gained a hundred pounds. Yes, I'm still depressed because no one seems to want me to teach for them, although I'm keeping my fingers crossed this hiring season; Yes, I'm still depressed just from being in the state of looking and not finding, and worrying about my medical bills, and whether Congress will get off it's butt and pass another UI extension, but I'm refusing to let it get in the way of my weight loss.

Now, on to the next hundred pounds. This next hundred will be kind of odd for me. Basically, this next hundred pounds is where I spent the entirety of the Bush Administration. Basically, I gained at least 12 pounds a year during that decade. The odd part about it is that right now is basically where all my NW Indiana friends and colleagues are used to seeing me at. So won't it be a surprise if I go visit them after this next hundred pounds is gone to see reactions? I remember some of my halcyon days--when I was between 300 and 350--where I was actually "normal". I was actually athletic, flexible, and no one really stared at me. I may have had issues with gaining and losing, but I was happy inside. I felt   popular . Had to put the link there--it's such a fun song.

So am I still down? Unfortunately, yes. The only times I feel truly happy inside is when I'm playing or conducting, or in the pool. I love teaching and I know I'm GOOD at it (despite the feelings of failure), so I'm still hoping for a job this upcoming school year.

So here is where I am as I start on this second hundred pounds to lose. I've noticed that while I'm still losing, I'm not as tightly focused as before. I've made some habit changes, but it's almost like I'm slipping a bit. It's almost like a bit here, and a bit there...I feel like I'm watching it happen but can't so anything about it. Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT about to backslide, it's just a feeling of looseness, of not quite as disciplined. Perhaps this is a flaw inherent in my behavior. Now that I think of it, I've seen it happen before. As my dad and I used to joke in those last couple years, I'm so much like him. But he never told me how he dealt with it. So I'm just going to have to deal with it. And of course, I have to take care of this all across the spectrum.

But it's hard.

Which is NOT an excuse for not doing it. "Do or do not. There is no try". I've given myself a timeline goal of when to be finished, and I've got 2 years to make it. That's about a pound every 3 days, or maybe 3-5 pounds a week. Doable. My sister and I used to make these "motivational incentives" for losing weight. For instance, we once did a thing where if I lost a certain amount of weight, we would go on an east coast restaurant tour--Morimoto, Babbo, Blue Ginger, Butter, Mesa Grill, all those famous places. Not going to happen, unfortunately. Of course that also rules out a Diners Drive-ins and Dives tour. I haven't told her yet, but what I'd like as an "incentive" for myself is twofold: First, I'd like a party with a lot of friends and relatives, featuring a cake from Charm City Cakes. I don't think Duff's waiting list is up to 2 years yet. Second, I'd like to go to Atlantis and slide down that water slide. w00t!

So that's where things stand on the second hundred pounds.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (22+ / 0-)

    "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." --M. L. King "You can't fix stupid" --Ron White

    by zenbassoon on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 02:48:46 PM PST

  •  Thanks for the diary zenbassoon (9+ / 0-)

    It's interesting to relive this journey with you.

    I'm amazed at how active you were able to be around 300+ lbs. I'm less than that (not sayin' how close) and my weight-bearing joints are.not.speaking.to.me. Guess every body is different.

    Do you feel like your weight had something to do with your employment struggles? I've not had any problem with weight-related job discrimination, but I've been in the same job for 18 years. I was pretty heavy when they hired me though, come to think of it.

  •  Thank you for this window into your weight loss (7+ / 0-)

    journey. I joined this Weight Loss Kos and hope to use it as a tool (one of many) in my effort to lose at least 100 pounds.

    I think my biggest obstacle to overcome right now is the fact that I am in the horrible, destructive circle of unable to work out or even do small amounts of exercise due to the pain of degenerative joint disease- knees, ankles, shoulders, hips. However, the degenerative joint continues to get worse due to the increase in weight. I am trapped and right now I see no way out of this. Tomorrow I am going to stop by a local gym and talk to someone about a personal trainer. I know that no matter how well I eat, count my calories, eliminate carbs and sugars, the weight will go nowhere until and unless I start to move. I cry every night because I truly see no end to this.

    I also can relate to your equating the weight gain with the stress in your life. I also lost my father recently and have written about a few other stressers in my life. In just this past year of dealing with my sister's cancer, father's death, mother's deteriorating mental status, loss of my full time job to become caretaker to my family members, etc., I have gained 40 pounds.

    I may have been dealt a bad hand but at least I am still playing with a full deck!

    by beantown mom on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 03:33:18 PM PST

    •  Every pound lost is like (5+ / 0-)

      45 pounds of stress off your joints.  I can't make specific recommendations about diet, but here are a couple of suggestions:

      1.  Get a metabolic assessment.  Find out what your resting rate is.  That will help you plan a diet.

      2.  Drink lots of water.  It's trite, but the more you drink, the more you'll lose.  I don't know exactly why, but it's working.

      3.  Get your carbs from veggies.  1/2 cup cooked (1 cup raw) is one serving and 5g carbs.  Something like 1/3 cup rice is one serving and 15g carbs.  

      4.  Eat lots of protein.

      5.  Eat breakfast.  

      One of my previous diaries talks a little about how I've been doing this, and it has a typical sample day for me, averaging to about 1800 calories.

      "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." --M. L. King "You can't fix stupid" --Ron White

      by zenbassoon on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 03:46:06 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I think the reason the water thing works (4+ / 0-)

        is because it fills up your stomach, so your body doesn't crave food as much. I may be wrong, but that's my theory.

        (-9.25, -6.62) "Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both" - Benjamin Franklin

        by trs on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 04:12:03 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  Plus, fat is eventually water soluble. (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          RunawayRose, beantown mom

          Watch your fat intake, and the water will begin flushing the fat out.

          "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." --M. L. King "You can't fix stupid" --Ron White

          by zenbassoon on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 07:09:42 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  Thanks for this- I have been drinking about 96 (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            RunawayRose, zenbassoon

            ounces of water a day. Water has never been my problem. I also have noticed that after my hysterectomy my body just doesn't respond like it did pre-surgery. This was in August, 2009.

            I tried to walk on a treadmill last year but it just absolutely hurts my knees too much. I did well with a bike, but even then couldn't do that for too long. The carbs from veggies is good info. My biggest problem is definitely breakfast. I can't seem to get into a routine of eating breakfast.

            I may have been dealt a bad hand but at least I am still playing with a full deck!

            by beantown mom on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 07:25:51 PM PST

            [ Parent ]

    •  Pool (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      RunawayRose, zenbassoon

      Find a gym that or place that has a pool, you can get exercise while in the water and it will relieve the pain on your joints. Win-win.  

      •  Plus most YMCAs with pools have aqua fitness (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        RunawayRose, KimD

        classes approved by the Arthritis Foundation.

        "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." --M. L. King "You can't fix stupid" --Ron White

        by zenbassoon on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 08:00:34 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  Yes, I've started taking such a class. (4+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          moira977, Ahianne, KimD, zenbassoon

          My sister Mimi and I are working together on our fitness; we've learned how to do the weight machine circuit at the Y and are taking yoga, t'ai chi, and pool arthritis exercises together.

          We're doing the weight circuit two or three times a week. (There are some machines I skip because my knees don't approve.) Then we go down to the warm pool during open time and do a lot of the exercises we do in the arthritis class, as a reward.

          I'm about ready to start swimming again, too.

          ...it is unfortunate that the opposition to the Democrats in this country now consists entirely of crazy people. - NNadir

          by RunawayRose on Thu Feb 24, 2011 at 08:12:30 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

  •  Thanks for this! (5+ / 0-)

    You weight gain and loss are a very different story from mine, but I appreciate it all the same.  I'm working on exercise to get me healthy and keep me active as I age.  Diet for me, as yet, is not something I want to tackle; I love the food I cook and eat even if it could be healthier.

    Congrats on the steps you have take and good luck with your future goals.

    Fire burn and cauldron bubble, bendy straws or my fee is double - via Twitter about the half-term governor Sarah Palin

    by alrdouglas on Wed Feb 23, 2011 at 04:27:55 PM PST

  •  You are such an inspiration (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    moira977, mama jo, trs, zenbassoon

    I am following the Weight Loss Kos and am so inspired by all the diaries and comments.

    All of you and all of your suggestions are already helping me change my lifestyle or eating habits.

    I am making the conscious effort concerning portion-size.
    I love to cook and even more, I love to eat, and 2nd and 3rd helpings, all of them large, was normal.

    I've already changed the way I cook and the things that I cook years ago, but portion-size is my downfall.

    But since joining Kos and following this group, I no longer go for 2nd helpings, and am working on smaller portions - unless the food is guilt-less, such as vegies.

    I look forward to reading more about your weight loss journey!

  •  pics from Sunday's half marathon (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RunawayRose, moira977, begone, zenbassoon

    wow I need to lose some weight

    http://www.asiorders.com/...

    pics from the Hill Country Ride at the end of April will look different

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