So, in my last diary, I talked about losing the first hundred pounds on my weight loss journey. The following is a sort of continuation of that diary, where I wrote my thoughts on what was to come.
At the time, I was still unemployed, and prospects didn't look that great. Plus, I was still having a lot of thoughts that many of us in this position have--about self worth, self esteem, and the like. Sometimes writing them down makes it feel better.
Anyway, on with the story:
Dated February 17, 2010
So, the first hundred pounds is gone. Yay for me. I have turned back time to sometime before the election. I don't know--perhaps it was the depression from losing the full time status I had at school, and the scramble for work. Perhaps it was the stress I had during that job, as I watched, hopeless, as nothing I did worked. Perhaps it's the feelings of failure and hopelessness at not finding a job and thinking I'm a failure as a teacher, perhaps it was the loss of my father, perhaps it was just laziness and sloth and gluttony. Whatever the reason, looking back on the last couple of years, I was NOT a Happy Paul. And so I gained a hundred pounds. Yes, I'm still depressed because no one seems to want me to teach for them, although I'm keeping my fingers crossed this hiring season; Yes, I'm still depressed just from being in the state of looking and not finding, and worrying about my medical bills, and whether Congress will get off it's butt and pass another UI extension, but I'm refusing to let it get in the way of my weight loss.
Now, on to the next hundred pounds. This next hundred will be kind of odd for me. Basically, this next hundred pounds is where I spent the entirety of the Bush Administration. Basically, I gained at least 12 pounds a year during that decade. The odd part about it is that right now is basically where all my NW Indiana friends and colleagues are used to seeing me at. So won't it be a surprise if I go visit them after this next hundred pounds is gone to see reactions? I remember some of my halcyon days--when I was between 300 and 350--where I was actually "normal". I was actually athletic, flexible, and no one really stared at me. I may have had issues with gaining and losing, but I was happy inside. I felt popular . Had to put the link there--it's such a fun song.
So am I still down? Unfortunately, yes. The only times I feel truly happy inside is when I'm playing or conducting, or in the pool. I love teaching and I know I'm GOOD at it (despite the feelings of failure), so I'm still hoping for a job this upcoming school year.
So here is where I am as I start on this second hundred pounds to lose. I've noticed that while I'm still losing, I'm not as tightly focused as before. I've made some habit changes, but it's almost like I'm slipping a bit. It's almost like a bit here, and a bit there...I feel like I'm watching it happen but can't so anything about it. Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT about to backslide, it's just a feeling of looseness, of not quite as disciplined. Perhaps this is a flaw inherent in my behavior. Now that I think of it, I've seen it happen before. As my dad and I used to joke in those last couple years, I'm so much like him. But he never told me how he dealt with it. So I'm just going to have to deal with it. And of course, I have to take care of this all across the spectrum.
But it's hard.
Which is NOT an excuse for not doing it. "Do or do not. There is no try". I've given myself a timeline goal of when to be finished, and I've got 2 years to make it. That's about a pound every 3 days, or maybe 3-5 pounds a week. Doable. My sister and I used to make these "motivational incentives" for losing weight. For instance, we once did a thing where if I lost a certain amount of weight, we would go on an east coast restaurant tour--Morimoto, Babbo, Blue Ginger, Butter, Mesa Grill, all those famous places. Not going to happen, unfortunately. Of course that also rules out a Diners Drive-ins and Dives tour. I haven't told her yet, but what I'd like as an "incentive" for myself is twofold: First, I'd like a party with a lot of friends and relatives, featuring a cake from Charm City Cakes. I don't think Duff's waiting list is up to 2 years yet. Second, I'd like to go to Atlantis and slide down that water slide. w00t!
So that's where things stand on the second hundred pounds.