Let’s do that.
First off, let’s dismantle the United States Armed Forces. Government employees, all of ‘em. A few years without the costs of all those planes, tanks, ships and people and “Goodbye deficit!” After all, all Americans have the right to bear arms. If someone decides to invade this country, we’ll just grab our guns and shoot them. Every town can buy its own tank and its own fighter plane. We’ll hold bake sales and raffles to cover the cost.
Second, fire all those police officers and firemen. Just establish your own community volunteer bucket brigade. As for police, we don’t need ‘em. We can all form self-help groups….armed self-help groups. We’ll call them “gangs.”
Roads? Pay for ‘em with tolls. People who can’t afford thousands of dollars each year for the toll fees can just dodge the ever-growing potholes, stay home or walk. And, by the way, remember that there are no “traffic laws” anymore, so watch out for the speeders, the weavers, the tailgaters, the jaywalkers and the people who just like to run other cars off the road.
Air traffic controllers? Let the airlines hire their own. They can all fight each other over who gets to fly at what altitude and at what speed. Besides, without airline regulation, anyone with enough money to buy a two-seater can become an “airline” so all that competition will drop prices enough so that you can buy lots of insurance.
Insurance? Give the companies your money and pray they don’t steal it.
Banks? Give the banks your money and pray they don’t steal it. Or try really hard to find a hiding place where the local “gangs” won’t find it when they invade your home.
USDA? C’mon. A little feces smeared on your beef, a few ounces of rotten meat in your sausage….toughen up!
EPA? Hey, with any luck, you’ll be long dead before your kids develop lung cancer and emphysema. And a little benzene or lead in your water just adds to the flavor.
Public schools? Teach your kids yourself. You’re an expert in math, history, English and science, right? Besides, now that you don’t have to pay taxes, you can work fewer hours, so you’ll have plenty of time for teaching. And you can get books from your town library…..oh, wait, that’s gone too. Well, try to find a bookstore that’s hasn’t been looted.
Commerce? No police, so be prepared to hire guards for your business, warehouse, etc. No interstate or local highway construction or maintenance, so make sure your vehicles can handle traveling on dirt roads; and no highway patrol, so hire more guards to ride shotgun—no, really, armed with a shotgun—on every delivery or freight truck you own. Shipping overseas? No Navy and no Coastguard, so make sure your tankers and freighters carry their own guards and are equipped with big guns to fight off pirates. Shipping by air? Sorry, all the planes crashed the first week.
Oh, and learn to "barter." No government-backed currency anymore, y'know.
Construction? No inspectors, so it’s now up to you to make sure the foundation won’t crack, the wiring won’t start a fire, the plumbing’s not going to turn your house into an indoor fountain, and your second story’s not going to fall into your first story. Oh, and be careful about those appliances; the manufacturers can make ‘em using tin foil and cardboard now.
Fuel? Well, the pirates keep grabbing the oil tankers so gas prices are going up (the explosion at the new, cheaply built gas refinery in Houston didn’t help much either) so expect to pay more at the pump. Which may actually be giving you 3/4s of a gallon at a 1 gallon price, since no one’s inspecting the pumps anymore either.
Power? So what if a few hundred miners die each month in the coal mines? Big deal. The meltdown at the local nuclear plant will be fixed as soon as the radioactivity decreases to non-toxic levels. The grid itself? If you’ll just pay their price, the electrical cabal promises to supply at least three hours electricity a day.
Water? Dig a well. Pump it from a pond or a drainage ditch. A touch of mud in your water gives it a certain piquancy. A few microbes? A little vomiting and purging never killed anyone.
If you fall sick? Well, anyone can claim to be a “doctor” now. No requirements to get a medical license, no certification of “hospitals”—just pray that you get lucky and “Doc” really knows something about medicine. (And by the way, anyone can manufacture and sell “medicine” now…..no pesky requirements any more that it be tested and free from contamination. That’ll drop the price!)
Ah, yes. No government. No interference. No one telling us what to do.
It’s going to be grand.