From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"Farewell, Rainbow of Terror"
As of tomorrow, America will have spent nine years (3,287 days, but who's counting?) under the watchful eye of the federal government's color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System. Whee!
Tom Ridge changed---or was pressured to change---the colors ten times during the system's first two years, mostly due to the dire threat of Democrats winning elections. He then apparently lost the key to the color-changing control box and we've been stuck at "Yellow" ever since.
Well, except for airports. Since the 9/11 attacks, we've poured billions into airport security: personnel training, grandma-sniffing dogs, metal detectors, gunpowder detectors, liquid detectors, sharp-object detectors, X-ray machines, gamma-ray machines, luggage scanners, laptop scanners, body scanners, shoe scanners, scanners to scan the scanners (can't be too careful, y'know), residue swabbers, snazzy new uniforms ("Badges? Hell yeah, we need stinkin' badges!"), plastic trays, latex gloves, and a giant throbbing no-fly list to catch devious types like the late Senator Ted Kennedy. With all this hardware and firepower surrounding our airports in a bubble of security unprecedented in our nation's history, naturally the threat level is higher than everywhere else: it's at Level Boehner.
But not for long. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of the "Ruh-roh Rainbow." Earlier this year the director of Kochland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced that the color-coded terrorism advisory system is going bye-bye next month, to be replaced by…
…the National Terrorism Advisory System. The new plan calls for notifying specific audiences about specific threats. … When agency officials think there is a threat the public should know about, they will issue an announcement and rely on news organizations and social media outlets to get the word out.
Sounds sensible, right? It did to me, too, until I read that House Homeland Security Committee chairman Rep. Peter King (R-NY) said he thinks the program "make sense." Now I'm back to wearing my Kevlar underpants and Lord of the Rings replica Gimli dwarf helmet to bed. Color me nervous.
I actually feel bad for poor, unused colors Blue and Green, which sat on the bench for nine long years, waiting to be called into service on behalf of a grateful nation. I'd love to see Secretary Napolitano take us to level Blue and Green for the final two days of the system's existence. Just so their children---Fuchsia, Taupe and Jade---can look up to their ma and pa with pride.
So, to commemorate what will be its last birthday, let's all take a moment to raise our three-ounce bottles of hair gel and offer our traditional salute---which also happens to be the motto of the Republican party---for the last time to the color-coded terror threat advisory system:
"Ooga Booga!"
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 11, 2011
Note: This too shall pass. But trust me, you don’t wanna be in the room when it does.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Wonder Con 2011 in San Francisco: 21
Days `til the Talking Animals Festival in Tampa: 23
Percent chance that Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh belong to unions affiliated with the AFL-CIO: 100%
(Source: Alternet)
Percent of 15-24 year-old males and females who said they were virgins in 2002: 22%
Percent of 15-24 year-old males and females who said they were virgins in 2008: 27%, 29%
(Source: National Center for Health Statistics)
Number of the seventh area code proposed for New York City: 929
Weight of the iPad 2, which goes on sale today: 1.3 pounds
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Puppy Pic of the Day: How long before Republicans go after this government watchdog group?
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JEERS to too much water and not enough ShamWow!s. Thanks, nature, for ruining our tenuous hold on your planet. A fearsome tsunami---created by the worst earthquake in 100 years that registered 8.9 on the Andy Richter scale---smashed into Japan last night, tossing boats and planes and buildings around like toys and then sending ripples toward Hawaii and the west coasts of North and South America. Hundreds dead, hundreds missing, and the count will rise for weeks to come. Over 70 aftershocks so far. Massive fires. The nuclear power plants are kinda sorta stable??? Now for the unintentional humor: as the tragedy unfolded, someone at CNN thought it was a swell idea to double up on their disaster coverage this morning by interviewing 2012 GOP primary loser-by-a-mile Rick Santorum. While horrifying tsunami footage played out on the left side of the screen, Santorum appeared on the right side to offer grown-up words of comfort by railing against gay marriage and calling for U.S. planes to blow up Libya because---not kidding---"even France and Portugal think we should!" (Funny that he wants to follow the lead of two countries that allow either full gay-marriage rights or civil unions.) Message: he cares.
CHEERS to Hoosier power. Yes, they're protesting in Indiana, too---big time:
Thousands of union supporters ignored icy winds [yesterday] for a rally outside the Indiana Statehouse calling for lawmakers to drop measures that would cut back on labor rights. … Leo Gerard, international president of the United Steelworkers. said that corporate America started a war on unions. “We’re going to kick their ass,” Gerard said. … The rally began with a minister praying for justice, and wisdom for lawmakers. A Marine veteran of Iraq and son of a steelworker led the crowd in reciting Pledge of Allegiance… The rally crowd peaked at more than 8,000 people at noon.
Good for them, and that also goes for the crowds showing up in Ohio and all over the country. Meanwhile, Wisconsinites will be out in force tomorrow to protest the GOP's war on the middle class, and they'll be reinforced by the cavalry in the form of farmers and their tractors. You might say they'll be "combine"-ing their forces. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Sorry. Was that too...corny?
P.S. Madison Kossack lunch meetup tomorrow after the tractor rally. Click here for details. And send Scott Walker the bill.
JEERS to the smell of fear. Thank god that friggin' waste of time is over with. Yesterday Sen. Joseph McCarthy Rep. Peter King had his little hearings on the scary Muslims. They (the hearings) were predictably ridiculous. But much to King's chagrin, the enduring "Have you no shame" moment of the affair will be Democratic Rep. Keith Ellison's tearful tribute to an American first responder who lost his life on 9/11/01---and, oh, by the way, he happened to be a practicing Muslim:
"Mr. Hamdani bravely sacrificed his life to try and help others on 9/11. After the tragedy some people tried to smear his character solely because of his Islamic faith. Some people spread false rumors and speculated that he was in league with the attackers only because he was Muslim. It was only when his remains were identified that these lies were fully exposed. Mohammed Salman Hamdani was a fellow American who gave his life for other Americans. His life should not be defined as a member of an ethnic group or a member of a religion, but as an American who gave everything for his fellow citizens."
Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson's take on the hearings includes some not-so-kind words for Rep King:
[H]e's not trying to elicit facts, he's inviting catcalls---and cheers. It should not be so, but Islamophobia is a powerful force in American politics. There are those who will applaud King for associating the phrase "American Muslim community" with the phrase "who our enemy truly is."
Assuming they can keep their fingers out of their nose long enough.
CHEERS (because we never jeer anyone on their birthday---a policy we plan to re-evaluate soon) to the Sith twins. Completing another destructive orbit around the sun today: the cuddly Rupert Murdoch (80), and the man for whom the Speedo was not invented, Antonin Scalia (75). For those of you who think you've hit rock bottom in life, consider this: at least you're not the piece of cake that ends up hoofing it through their digestive system.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Acronym Answer Man. John Cole at Balloon Juice asks about Wednesday's union-busting vote in Wisconsin: Clearly the bill that passed the Senate is not the same bill as the one that passed the other chamber in Wisconsin. How is that legal?
IOKIYAR.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to lending a hand. On March 11, 1941, President Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act into law, which allowed American-built war supplies to be shipped to the Allies on loan months before our official entry into World War II. Not to be picky, Britain, but six pencils are still unaccounted for. Sloppy sloppy.
CHEERS to knowing when to say "When." The Dalai Lama is stepping down from his political-oriented duties. He says he wants to spend more time with his karma.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If the boob tube beckons you this weekend, here are some suggestions. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Paul Begala, former Rep. Tom Davis, Political commentator Dana Loesch, and choreographer Bill Jones. The must-watch new DVD release this week is the Oscar-winning documentary Inside Job (Harry has the rest of the picks at AICN). Zach Galifianakis hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: Curve Ball and charter schools and counterfeit drugs, oh my! Cheech and Chong drop by The Simpsons Sunday. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, with C&J's EXCLUSIVE "Let's See How Many Labor Leaders They Invited On" (LSHMLLTIO) index:
Meet the Press: David Gregory pumps up Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels' ego to get him to run for president; roundtable with Karen Hughes (Why???), Dan Balz, Michele Norris and Anita Dunn. LSHMLLTIO Index: 0
This Week: It'd be nice if they updated their web site, but they don't so we'll play it safe and give their LSHMLLTIO Index: 0
Face the Nation: Future Speaker-of-the-House-Again Nancy Pelosi; Sen. Joe Lieberman on why the U.S. should invade every Middle east country. (Spoiler alert: Because…um…because…FREEDOM!!!) LSHMLLTIO Index: 0
Washington Week: Dan Balz of The Washington Post, Doyle McManus of The Los Angeles Times, Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post and Peter Baker of The New York Times. Topics: the budget and David Broder's passing. LSHMLLTIO Index: 0
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA); roundtable with Bill Kristol, Dana Perino, Jeff Zeleny, Kirsten Powers. LSHMLLTIO Index: 0
Total LSHMLLTIO Index: 0. In Beltway Bubbleland, the tea party movement rules the universe…and the labor movement doesn’t exist. But, hey, happy viewing anyway!
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Five years ago in C&J: March 11, 2006
JEERS to breaking our military. The Maine National Guard is having to cobble together 86 troops from different outfits in order to send a unit to Iraq, says The Portland Press Herald:
Maj. Gen. Bill Libby, the top official in the Maine National Guard, warned just last month that the only way for the Army to activate more Mainers would be to create ad hoc units from newer recruits who have not yet served overseas because their units had already deployed.
The arrangement means soldiers won't know each other well before deployment. Libby equated the practice to a football team's changing players before every game and said it was commonplace when he served in Vietnam in 1968 and 1969.
You don't say. God, this war sucks elephant balls.
JEERS to indigestion. That wacky GOP---they're for states rights only until those rights become inconvenient to their campaign contributors. The latest: the House votes to strip states' ability to add toxicity warnings on food labels in order to placate the mega food-industry conglomerates. Just remember: if you get home from the supermarket and something in your bag glows, oozes or talks back to you, save it for the neighbor kids.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to brighter evenings. Hey, America---are ya ready for some DAYLIGHT!!!!!!! Yes, indeed, Daylight Saving Time starts Sunday morning at 2am, suspending the sun's descent by an extra hour. And here in Maine we are...SO...READY...for it. Here's the deal: make a note to turn your clocks ahead an hour this weekend. And if you live near any Republicans, they'd appreciate it if you'd drop by to help 'em out. They still haven't quite figured out the whole "moving forward" thing yet.
Okay, I'm done educating you. Have the bestest weekend in the universe. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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