From The Desperate Blogger
Topeka, Kansas (TDB) — Addressing reporters at a hastily called press conference, a visibly frustrated Satan today called on the world’s leaders to shut down all existing nuclear power plants and place a permanent moratorium on the building of new ones.
Speaking from the steps of his beloved Westboro Baptist Church while flanked by its leaders, the Son of Perdition announced that, “Human beings, in spite of all the technological advances achieved in recent centuries, are not qualified to manage such powerful and potentially deadly forces,” adding, “and frankly, I’m getting rather annoyed with the little pissants who’ve been stealing my thunder — whether intentionally or not.”
When asked to elaborate — and after revealing his horns and putting on a name tag so that many in attendance could distinguish him from WBC founder Fred Phelps — the Leviathan explained:
“Take last Friday for example. A 9.0 earthquake AND — if I do say so myself — one Hellacious tsunami. Some of my best work in a long time. But are people even talking about the thousands of victims? The pain and anguish felt by millions? The destruction and devastation I caused?? No, they’re not. They’re talking about how much worse it would be — and might yet be — if one of these glorified electrical generators melts down. I hone my craft — I perfect my skills over thousands of years, and now I’m supposed to sit around and take it when some of my best work is upstaged by a man-made accident caused by something nobody ever needed in the first place? I don’t think so. ‘Beelzebub’ does NOT mean ‘asshole’.”
After taking a moment to compose himself, the Ruler of the Darkness, who at one point was visibly amused while reading signs held by members of Phelps’ congregation, concluded by saying, “For what it’s worth, I like humans. I’ve always had a lot of fun with them. I hope the human race will continue to thrive for millennia to come. But if the events of the past few days fail to serve as a lesson, then unfortunately my work here is truly done. For those who aren’t catching my drift, I’ll give you one last hint: two words — Mayan calendar…”