So the idea for this diary has been floating around in my mind for the past few months, and I decided it was finally time to put my thoughts into words and share them with you.
As my title suggests, this diary is going to be about two weddings. One was over five years ago, though I remember it as if it took place yesterday. One is upcoming: 19 days from now!! One was a then-close friend's wedding. One is my own.
I am going to weave in some political commentary, but mostly this is about sharing. About making personal that which we see playing out on TV, on the internet, in state after state, country after country.
Wedding 1:
Wedding 1 took place in August of 2005. At that point I was 19 and in college. The bride was a close friend of mine. She was 20. We had grown up together, meeting at church - specifically CCD - after my family had moved to Florida in 1992. For a long time, we were really close. Church and my friend were constants whereas everything else was changing (we moved twice within a two or so year time frame - first to Florida and then within the same city, but different school zone). We were part of a group of kids around the same age who saw each other every Sunday. But my friend and I were closer - we would spend time at one another's houses too. For a while, there was a time where we assumed we would wind up marring each other. We used to argue over where we would live. I was the city boy. She was the country girl. Looking back, we were more like brother and sister than anything else, but at that time I saw it going on forever.
Eventually, we started growing apart, first in high school. We never went to the same school, so when we both stopped attending regular Sunday mass, we did not see each other as often. There was also my realization that I was gay. When I finally came out to my friend, there was a definite shift in our relationship. I came out to her sometime in 2003 (I think, maybe as early as 2002 or as late as 2004). I know it made her uncomfortable, to say the least, because she said so to a mutual friend (well after the wedding in question). After I went off to college, beginning in fall 2003, we saw less and less of one another.
Although we had grown apart, I was still asked to be a part of her bridal party. This was going to be a small beach wedding in Florida. The ceremony was to be simple and direct. The groom was going to have his brothers and some friends on his side. The bride, my friend, was going to have me and three others, all women, on her side. Our task was simple. Walk to the front of the ceremony and stand there. There was not even a dress code. My brother, who was 16 at time, also came to the wedding. (My parents were invited, but they were already going to my uncle's 50th birthday.) The plan was to arrive Saturday night, participate in rehearsal, eat, sleep, get up on Sunday, do something (go to the beach), go to the wedding, and then travel home.
Through rehearsal, everything was fine. I walked, I stood, I did all that was asked of me. I occupied the position furthest from the bride and groom. That night people went to bed exceeding early (at least for me). I decided to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids (who is now a good friend, and who is going to be in my wedding). We got in my car and drove and talked and generally had a pleasant evening, until... well, until it was interrupted.
The bride called the other bridesmaid crying and we returned to the hotel. We entered the room where the bride and groom were staying, and walked in on the middle of an argument. We quickly left, and paced the parking lot until the groom left the room and went to his parents room. Upon entering the bride's room, we were told how the groom's family objected to my presence on the bride's side. And though I did not find this out until shortly before the wedding, in reality they objected to the fact that I was gay. They objected so much that the groom's brother (the best man) threatened not to be in the wedding! The bride felt it was her choice who should be there to support her and was upset that the groom was not standing up for her. At one point, the groom returned to the room, and the two began arguing about me over my head, while I sat on the bed staring at a wall unable to move.
I finally left the room and eventually the bride called me in tears, telling me the groomsmen were all threatening not to participate. At this point I (naively) thought it was solely about me being on her side of the aisle thought there was a chance I would still be in the wedding, only on his side.
The morning of the wedding we (the bride and groom, my brother and I, and my new friend) went to eat. When we arrived at the restaurant, it was clear the bride and groom were still fighting. The bride was under the assumption that I could stand on the groom's side, but the groom's family was still protesting. I was ultimately asked not to be a part of the wedding.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. Here was my friend in pain and worse I was "causing" it! And I was helpless to fix it. Yes, we were not as close as we used to be. But we were still good friends. We had been friends for over ten years - which for a 19 year old was a long time.
I hope you never are the reason a couple screams at each other the night before/day of their wedding. It's a painful experience.
But worse, the groom's family won. They did not want me there because I was gay. Simple as that. It's not like I had brought a boyfriend or was wearing a "Gay? Fine by me." shirt. Nope. I was gay. And that was enough for them. It was enough for them to say him or us. For them to tell their brother that they would ruin his wedding, his day, over me.
I'll never know how it came up that I was gay. I had never met these people, never spoken with them. I cannot imagine the bride brought it up. But somehow they knew. They knew and apparently were not above blackmail to keep me from walking up the aisle and standing there.
Wedding 2:
I think about that weekend a lot more now then I have in the past. Why? Because wedding 2, my own wedding, is coming up. It's coming up soon.
I get amused by people. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the phrase: "It's my first gay wedding." Let me tell you - it's my first one too! Less amusing is every time my mother asks if "gay people" do this or that at weddings. And I'm talking about stupid stuff like throw rice (yes), have a guest book (duh), etc. She means well. I know it. But it's still annoying.
Being gay and putting on a wedding comes with a whole host of issues. There are logistical issues. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to live within driving distance of CT, where marriage equality is the law. So while I grumble about having to drive an hour to visit sites or meet with vendors, I know there are those who are plane rides, not car rides, away. But it is still something that has to be dealt with. It has to be planned for. (There are silly issue too, such as what the "bridesmaids" should be called when there is no bride! I'm not a fan of groomsmaids.)
There is the issue of names. Nothing prepares a boy for the possibility that he might change his name. You never hear about it. You hardly see it. And it is not easy either. The legal process for changing our names is a pain in the ass, should we decide to do so.
There are also the personal issues too. Coming out to family members who are either going to be invited or would hear about it from others. Worrying about who to invite, and whether they will be supportive.
Personal issues are particularly tough because my fiancé’s mother does not plan to come. She thinks he is making a mistake and she does not want to condone it. Now, giving her credit, she came to my parents' house for a week over Thanksgiving to get to know them. So at least there is that. But it's certainly not the love and support I have grown accustom to from my parents. My family will be there in full party mode. His? Not so much. (Luckily he will have some family there, so it won't be completely lopsided.)
I must say I am blessed. I had a hard time trimming down my list to choose members of the bridal party, let alone who would be invited. But it is not so easy for others. Some people never come around to the idea. Some make a living fighting it.
It is a little sad that my invite list did not include the friend whose wedding I was excluded from. The small petty part of me wished I could have sent an invite to her husband just to say "Ha! I could not stand up at your wedding, and now I am having my own!" Or maybe to his family... But as you could imagine I was never really close with them after that. We saw each other several more times, always with our mutual friend, but it has been a long time since I have seen them. Petty or not, I do take a small amount of pleasure that I am able to have my celebration and have it recognized - two things I am sure they would be fighting against.
My wedding will be a happy event (if I don't kill someone first - they don't lie, weddings are stressful!). And there's a part of me that is going to be standing up there saying "I do" for all those who cannot. For all those who are stuck in a place where it is not possible. For all those who are still waiting. But I cannot help but think of my friend, her in laws, and what happened that August. The pain my mere presence caused. And just for the record, I don't believe that the outcome would have been any different if that wedding was held this year, or in five years from now. We still have a long way to go, and we will never reach everyone.
The personal and the political can never be separated. Good memories and bad shall always be intertwined. For every painful wedding, there is a happy one right around the corner. All are part of life.
I leave you with the following (my old sig line):
No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. ~Rita Mae Brown