A funny thing happened to me on my way into work, partaking of my morning ritual... Expecting a quick cup o' joe - I was instead met with an untenable situation that would test the patience of Job.... and G.O.B., for that matter - but that's another rant for another time.
Musings and mutterings while waiting for my morning coffee... all of the events herein are true, well, except for the ones I made up whole cloth or exaggerated for effect - blame the demands of the narrative, not me.
No matter who you want to blame, the buck stops with the barista. We can palaver about civility and brewing times, but I believe what's going on this line is a critical mass of ineptitude and corruption.
Like all of you, I walked into this establishment full of hope for a quick, reasonably priced, and well-prepared cup of coffee so I could be on my way to work. Instead, what I got was an endless series of broken promises, a cowardly response to a mounting crisis of wait times, and a truly breathtaking inability to focus on what MATTERS. This debacle of brewed beverage dispensing can no longer be ignored or tolerated.
To continue to believe, after we've witnessed THAT guy changing his order three times or THAT woman taking forever to dig out exact change, we'll ever get our coffee is delusional. What's more, some of you aren't even here for COFFEE! You want to pretend you're part of this morning caffeine movement, but when your turn comes you'll order a double caramel no cap chai macchiato grande espresso smoothie with two pumps… whatever the hell that is. I know your type. Your parents and grandparents, who struggled with thermos's and limed-up home coffee makers would shake their heads in disgust at the manner in which you've turned your back on traditional morning beverage values. Is it any wonder Paris is burning?
We were lied to about room for cream, we were lied to yesterday when we were told to have a good day, and we will be lied to again tomorrow when we are told the day's bold blend is Gold Coast -- now, as a result, the middle east is in flames, the black death has revisited Europe, Sputnik is raining nuclear missiles down on California, the deflector shields are down, and I still don't have my goddamn venti Pike Place - WITH room, dammit all to hell!
If this line does not come together and rise up against this inadequate and corrupt service, hear me now and hear me over and over and over and over and over and over again - we will never get our drinks! What? NO - I will not be quiet and calmly wait my turn. I'm presenting a perfectly rational and calm case against the failings of this fucking barista and if you are too much of a "dear barista" worshipper to respond in a meaningful and rational way, with the same carefully cited evidence I've mustered, then perhaps you ought to just STFU! There are millions of unsolved rubik's cubes gathering dust in boxes across the nation and you think the problem is my attitude? Wake up and smell the coffee -- which I STILL do not have.
And now look, just look at what we have here… Mr. Big Shot in a suit and tie, no doubt a banksta that belongs in jail -- who, surprise, surprise, Mr. Barista just called 'Bob' (first name basis, of course) -- had his drink waiting for him when he arrived at the register to pay. The corruption in this line stinks to high heaven and I don't know about the rest of you, but I am pissed as hell --- judging by the protests in Portugal, London, Liechtenstein, and Iceland -- I am not alone. Are we a nation of lines or are we a nation of "Hey, Bob - the usual"'s?
What, where are you going, Mr. Barista? Choking? The goddamned Heimlich maneuver? Way over there? Look, it's not that I'm unsympathetic to the plight of that poor, choking, soul --- just last week, I was reading an article about someone else choking and all I could think was "Gee, if only someone had done something, like maybe performed the Heimlich maneuver on him" -- but Mr. Barista, THERE IS A FUCKING LINE OF PEOPLE STILL WAITING HERE! You can't go running off to perform a life-saving maneuver clear on the other side of the store when there is a line of grumbling patrons right here. We're in this together, Mr. Barista, and I'm on your side - but you can't be playing EMT to the entire store when THERE IS A FUCKING LINE OF PEOPLE STILL WAITING HERE! Do you understand that THERE IS A FUCKING LINE OF PEOPLE STILL WAITING HERE?!?! You need to calibrate your priorities, son. If you don't figure it out soon, the rebels will continue to gain support in the Imperial Senate and some half-wit from a desert planet is liable to land a lucky shot right down our Democratic Death Star exhaust port.
Now what? Brew more? You have to be fucking kidding me! THAT person got his coffee. No, I don't want goddamn decaf. Why can't you just put the caffeine back in a cup of decaf -- or better, just use that blender over to brew my coffee -- it seems to work pretty fast. The blender doesn't brew coffee? Have you ever fucking tried? Of course not, because you're part of the same wanker network that has to subsidize both coffee brewing machine makers and blenders and microwaves and refrigerators. This is precisely why poison spider monkeys are now decimating Detroit - because YOU, Mr. Barista - refuse to stand up to the blender lobby and FORCE them to make a blender that both crushes ice and brews coffee. Now - we all have to wait. What? Stop telling me to calm down, lady -- I'm doing this for you! You'll take the bold blend instead? Typical. Just another sell-out, Uncle Tom, take what you can get, settle for half-a-loaf, enabler of the ruling plutocracy. You wanted Pike, but you'll settle for "Tribute". Give your grandchildren my regards as they toil in Willy Wonka's unobtanium mines.
What was that? Out of half-n-half? What a sad, despicable joke! I bet if I went down the block to the grocery store -- there's an entire cooler filled with half and half - but of course, there's none for the people in THIS line. NOW, where are you going, Mr. Barista -- getting another carafe from the refrigerator? Jesus Christ already -- this is exactly why the Canadians are boiling off the polar ice caps drilling for uranium -- because you won't stand up to the whole milk lobby and put out TWO carafes of half-n-half, which is clearly what everyone in this line both needs and wants. You don't? Well, you don't count - you're clearly not as invested in this morning wake-up as I am and I won't stand idly by while fraudsters cram whole milk down our throats and claim it's just as good as half-n-half.
A cheese danish? Who the hell needs a cheese danish? These people need coffee and need it now -- and STOP TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN! Orcs are marching on Avalon, Atlantis is sliding under the waves, I still don't have my damned Pike -- and you're putzing around with cheese danishes. Jesus wept.
Abusive? Me? How dare you! On at least THREE separate occasions last month, I dropped my change in your tip cup. THREE! If I polled this whole line, I bet I'm not the only one. Furthermore, every goddamn time you've wished me a good day, I've dutifully responded with a "you, too!" If that hasn't put you in the position of owing me a life debt, well - then this lovely little society we built is doomed to collapse… that is, if the super-intelligent sharks with lasers strapped on their heads don't destroy it first.
FINALLY! My coffee.
See? Let that be a lesson to all of you - …wait… oh crap, I've forgotten my wallet.