I've been away for the last month or so dealing with springtime in GA and my allergies to everything green that grows on the Eastern Seaboard, as my doctor one summed it up. I came back this weekend, to be greeted by the spate of diaries on LGBT issues, and whether a transwoman is really a woman. Some of the comments from a few males (one now banned) were pretty awful. And then I went to this diary recounting ACLU's encounter with a man who hit her on the ass and how she chased the creep down. The comments of two men in particular, both of whom shall remain nameless--that it was nothing to be upset about, that she overreacted, with the implication that it didn't matter compared to REAL problems--angered me. And reminded me of two different men I saw on CNN last week.
The first male (I cannot call him a gentleman because his comment proved he was not one) was on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell. It's not a show I normally watch, but I was bored and it was one. The topic under discussion was Brett Favre's sending semi-obscene texts, including a photo of his genitalia, to a female sports reporter he'd never even met. The point was that this woman did NOT sell the incriminating evidence to the tabloids--that was a supposed friend to whom she had sent copies of the texts when she asked for advice on how to handle it. The "friend" made 12 grand. The woman who was sent a close-up photo the penis of a man she'd never met? Not a dime. I am unsure whether she reported him to the NFL, but I hope she did. I DO know they didn't anything about it.
The male panel member whose name I do not know and whose profession I do not know, though he's likely either a sports or radio talk type, made a lot of trashy remarks, but the one that stood out for me was that this woman should have expected that kind of reaction because she'd posed for Playboy and Maxim and only got her job as a sports reporter because she was a hottie. Jane Velez-Mitchell pointed out that being attractive doesn't mean you lack the brains to do the job. He repeated his claim that she was only employed because she was hot, and she had no right to be upset because after all she'd posed for Playboy.
I was reduced to screeching (yes high-pitched screaming that upset the neighbor's dog, something I've indulged in maybe 6 times in my 61 years) at the TV.
Excuse me, but that reality does this guy live in? EVERYONE in television tends to get hired because of how they look. To this day I am still wondering how Wolf Blitzkrieg ever got a job on TV, along with Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly. What I can tell you is that every woman on CNN, except for Candy Crowley, and almost all the men, are movie-star attractive. Even old Rick Sanchez was good-looking in a retired jock sorta way. You don't get hired for TV unless you're good to look at these days with very rare exceptions. The main reason I lean to this Creepazoid being a radio type is that he was bald, distinctly unappealing and wore glasses--classic dweeb--and would never be hired for TV--and I suspect he resented that.
But just in case we have any men here who agree with Piers Anthony in A Spell for Chameleon that brains and beauty can only total 14--you're wrong. You can be gorgeous enough to stop the opposite sex in their tracks, and be brilliant too. Michelle Obama, Naomi Wolf, Gloria Steinem, and a host of others have proved that. Hell, I was pretty good-looking in my day, and I was Phi Beta Kappa and turned down a full fellowship to Cornell. I know a lot of extremely good-looking women who are successful and smart.
The second thing pissed me off was the notion that if you pose with your clothes off, you have lost any right to be angered at disgusting passes made at you by total strangers. Posing for Playboy means strangers get to jerk off on your photoshopped spread, not on YOU. The magazine they bought is their personal possession, not the women who pose for it. Nor do they have the right to send you close-ups of their dinky (according to Bill Maher, it was a not-very-impressive dinky at that) and expect you to feel all warm and fuzzy about it and immediately text back YESYESYESANDYESAGAIN like a cyberversion of Molly Bloom.
She posed nude and got paid handsomely for a couple of days' work. PERIOD. It was a job. PERIOD. Maybe she had a good time posing, and maybe she's proud of her body and maybe she has exhibitionistic tendencies (some of us do), but that doesn't mean that every last Tom Dick and Harry should expect a resounding YES if he propositions her--even one that's a famous football player.
I can speak on this with some authority, having posed nude a time or two in my past for friends who were sf and fantasy artists, and later or fetish photos (I was 50+ at the time) fully clothed for a photographer friend. Those photos were not an invitation to all comers to grope me or proposition me rudely with snapshots of their genitalia Had they had text messaging when I was posing for paintings, I would have shown it to my husband--either one--and allowed them to handle the explanation of why this was not wise or polite behavior. As the lady Brett Favre pursued after being turned down, such men are like the obnoxious men in bars who try to cop a feel or pick you up and won't take no for an answer.
In other words, this guy--and Brett Favre for that matter--is a Man Who Doesn't Get it Because He Doesn't Want To.
There was another guy on CNN that same week on whom I now have a crush. His name is Mick Foley and he's a Pro Wrestler on Spike TV. He looks like the Hell's Angels would reject him for not meeting the minimum dress code, but this man, outside the ring is a Man Who Gets It and a real gentleman where women are concerned. He volunteers for RAINN ( Rape and Incest National Network) on their hotline and is making the rounds of the media trying to make money for this very worthy organization. He cares enough about his cause that he's done his homework, read a lot of books, and has the facts at his fingertips. My kind of guy (both my late first husband and my second to whom I will be married for 23 years come August 27, were like him). For enough money for RAINN, he'll even mow your lawn!
One of the things he said that I will never forget--and which I wish the two males in ACLU's diary had heard--is that it is an extremely masculine thing to respect women's right to bodily integrity, and that we need to teach our sons that being a real man means respecting women on every level. He spoke movingly of the feelings of guilt and shame that rape victims often have, and how many young teenagers won't even tell their parents because they're afraid of being blamed for the rape. I can second this as a woman who was a volunteer on a rape crisis hotline years ago.
Mick Foley is a Man Who Gets It. The twit on Issues was a jerk who doesn't.
I'd be happier of it were possible to educate the ones who Don't Get It into understanding why groping isn't all right and why propositioning total strangers with pictures of your dick isn't likely to get you laid, even if you're a big name sports figure--and that "no" means "no," not "I'm not just ready to swoon into your arms yet but keep trying". I have concluded that some can be taught, but judging from the reactions of the the two men last night, some refuse to acknowledge that just maybe women have a right to regard a slap on the ass as a low-level sexual assault rather than a sexual signal from someone who thinks you're cute. I think for some reason I can't begin to understand, they don't want to get it.
As to what set my Irish temper flaring last night, here is one of these men's reply to my question as to how HE'D react if some strange male smacked his ass. It was ana ttempt to get him to put himself in ACLU's place. It failed miserably, as the answer below will show:
wouldn't give a damn if a man grabbed my ass and ran away giggling like a childish simpleton. If it was bad enough I might chase the guy a little ways and yell some fighting words to restore my damaged ego. I'd not consider it sexual assault in the same vein as an actual, you know, rape, date rape, forced fondling, gang assault, or what have you.
Am I glad she got her respect back? Well duh, any man would tell you not to simply let other people walk all over you if you have any power at all to stop it, but you can cross the line and I think the diarist did in this case for reasons I've already laid out.
You have many bets, and hunches, and intuitions, but they're not based on fact. They are based on one tap on the ass one time. Is it a sexual signal to tap a girl on the ass? Yes. Could I see it as being assault in any number of cases? Yes. Is it assault when the assailant runs away like a school ground buffoon? I cannot bring myself to say so.
Saying that I am 'minimizing' something implies that it was of some proportion that I could reduce.
The second to last paragraph made reference to the fact that I wouldn't be surprised to learn the guy who slapped ACLY's butt had done this before or fondled someone on the subway or even date raped someone or. at least was capable of doing so. That comment was based on the fact that rapists don't start off as rapists--they generally have record of lower level sex crimes like peeping, flashing or fondling. With those FACTS, it wasn't a leap to wonder if this guy had date raped or would date rape someone down the road. He was on the right track.
As to how I would have handled ACLU's situation--I'd have been much, much meaner. I was a librarian when I lived in NYC, and I always carried a couple of hardbacks in my tote--nice fat, heavy books that gave some real weight to a slung satchel. Had someone groped me, he'd have gotten that tote and several pounds of dead weight right in his crotch. And while he was lying on the ground moaning and clutching the family jewels, I'd have been lecturing him on respect for women--back then I didn't own cell phone or I'd have called 9-1-1 as well. Books have so many wonderful uses, don't they?
So, here is my request to men at DKos, and most of you already know this: respect a woman's right to feel however she damned well feels about being groped or rudely propositioned, and take her at her word that the experience was degrading, demeaning and scary. Don't minimize the experience. Don't tell her she's wrong. Listen to her, and understand that little sexual assaults like being groped on the subway are actually CRIMES, not just boys being boys. And don't go onto a woman's diary and tell her she was wrong to behave assertively to an asshole who assaulted her and that she made a mountain out of a molehill. It wasn't you ass that was being groped, and until it is, +your opinion s are merely hot air.
And to all the men at DKos, which is 99.99% of you, who DO Get It, I would like to issue a hearty thank you. You make women's lives better because you respect us.