Herman Cain is about the make the biggest mistake of his life.
While perusing the Huffington Post for news of celebrity divorces, or at least a photo of a see-through dress or exposed nipple, I accidentally ran into some political news. It appears Herman Cain is about to announce he's running for President of the United States. I was initially confused, because I thought Frank Luntz had already crowned him the POTUS and it was a done deal. Boy was I wrong.
That's when I saw the article in Huffpo. Okay, all well and good, he's going to announce he's running for POTUS on May 21st, so...OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO ANNOUNCE ON MAY 21ST! What happens on May 21st?
Photo courtesy of Atheist at Large.
All the Christians are leaving town. On Heaven's Sky Greyhound (no carry-ons allowed, snacks and non-alcoholic beverages will be provided). And for Cain, that is a hoooge problem when it comes to fundraising. Because you can't take those campaign dollars with you.
So Herman Cain's popularity is going to drop like a stone. Luntz's focus group was a group of Republican majority white Charlestonians. What's the chance Bubba Chastown was a Jew? What's left when all the Christians disappear in a puff of smoke?
Then there's the biggest problem of all: unless he's done a sufficient amount of sinning, he's gonna be going with everybody else. So if he doesn't get to ride shotgun with Jesus, the first thing people are going to ask is, "How come you didn't go?"
To put it simply, if Herman Cain goes to Heaven, he can't beat Barack Obama. And if Herman Cain doesn't go to heaven, he can't beat Barack Obama because all his supporters are in heaven. So, Mr. Cain, if you're headed to the afterlife in a silk spaceship, please find a wiser use of your campaign funds.
That's why I would like to order a large Hawaiian pizza at this time. If you can spring for a bottle of Pinot (off the books) I would appreciate it. I will probably be getting drunk with my fellow sodomites, fornicators, and other assorted sinners. We're going to have a hell of a time.
Update: Per Eddie L link in comments, it appears that the world will end for the rest of us October 21st, which is exactly 60 days from when the Mayans say the world will end. Apparently the world will end sometime during the World Series, which is going to majorly piss some people off.
Update 2: No, I was wrong the Mayan end is a year later...and 59 days...leap year...carry the one.. no, it's 61 days extra, oh, hell, what does it matter? We will all be knee deep in lava listening to Michael Bolton tunes backwards while Bin Laden rubs our shoulders and prepares us for a threeway with Saddam Hussein. And thanks for the recs. I am going to trade them in for kneepads.