There's been some discussion over the legality of the rectum here so I wanted to give my take. As you all know, in my younger years I was the friend of the brother of Stalin's legal advisor. Since I've been a longtime advocate of rectums in space I think it's important for me to speak out about this. I have thought long and hard about the legal consequences of rectums and made probing discoveries into that vast unknown.
Legally, it seems, the idea of rectums and their necessity exists in a dark, empty void that requires searching. It's a deep area a lot of us can't seem to put our multitude of fingers on. No matter how far we reach and how much we're willing to push through the knobby protuberances that may stall us along the way, there are no clear answers.
Back when I was friends with Mark Twain, he gave me some good advice. He said, "Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect..." We used to drink together and I'd show him my Revolutionary War battlescars and my nationally-renowned poetry. After he was done conceding my utter greatness, he would convince me how best to go about setting forth the legal issues surrounding the rectal region.
Twain was a good guy, but I still preferred my friendship with Tolstoy.
I'm not a homophobe. Hell, I was the first person to tell Harvey Milk, a gay man, to run for office. We were very good friends, and I would tell him stories of how my work influenced Jeremy Bentham. He quickly hired me as his political rectal consultant and I was completely in charge of publishing any statements that involved his homosexuality or references to his rectum. He read my many scholarly articles that won me countless Nobel prizes and immediately wanted me to help.
Initially, I was skeptical because his campaign was rectal-based, but I helped modify it and I was the reason he won and other gays felt comfortable to run for office. I was also the driving force behind the very first push for employment antidiscrimination as well as convincing Thomas Jefferson not to push for execution of people convicted of sodomy, and to only choose castration.
As you can see, I am no homophobe and I have the complete authority to tell all of you how to properly use a rectum. My great uncle in fact discovered the rectum and I was a pioneer of the toilet.
So, in short: the rectum is for stuff to go out of. You can't put anything in there. Even Gandhi, who I taught for many decades, agrees. And you can't disagree with Gandhi. And I am no homophobe. Just don't have anal sex.
I'm not a homophobe.