I am 38. By the time I finish writing this it will likely be the early morning hours of my 39th birthday. I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing or why. I have been unhappy for years. Honestly I would say I've been unhappy "forever" and then became aware of it. A life story can be told in so many different ways and I believe even one small story can have resonance for ourselves as a people and for politics. I'm not attempting to be grandiose when I say this; I'm pointing out that just as we view a family, a life, a conversation multiple ways so to every public interaction and policy.
My story includes politics, sexuality, depression, religion, family strife, and humor. (Though I'm not sure I'll be able to muster much of that!) If you're in the mood for reading, follow along. I will try to keep it as brief as I'm able.
Part I covers how policies negatively impacted my recent life. Part II tells my life story and history of depression, gradual acceptance of being gay and gradual rejection of religion. (In my opinion, Part II is better -- but they're both damned self-indulgent, really!)
At the beginning of this year my boyfriend of many years left me. In three days it would have been 8 years. In the intervening few months I have considered that the story of our relationship (and its dissolution) could be told so many different ways. I have intended to write that story, in its multiple permutations, but so far it is far too painful for me to dwell on. The stories I want to write would be primarily emotional journeys. For a Daily Kos audience, I will say that "the personal is political" applies. Or even better, "the political is personal." I'm not going to blame my failed relationship on external factors alone but I will say that being in a long-term gay relationship with almost zero external support took a toll. Financial burdens were a big factor, which could be greatly eased by fair policies. The lack of social supports were lacking as well. While everyone around us in our conservative and socially-conscious circle got married (some multiple times) we had no affirmation of ourselves. Family support was nonexistent mostly due to religious dogma. Etc.
I do not intend to sound like I'm complaining. I'm trying to merely explicate my story by acknowledging the areas where personal experience and public policies intersect. I will highlight a few of those now:
Health Care. I had it. He didn't. But he was the one with the "real job"! I had health care through my family. My mother owns a small business in which I am nominally a partner. I see no income through it but that business has continued to supply my health care, for which I am grateful. I have never found an affordable alternative source of health care and so my mother's business still provides it. But, due to our complete lack of legal status as a couple and my mother's personal politics, my partner was never covered under my insurance. He's the one who works every day and he has no insurance. Because he works as a real estate agent and that is considered free-lance self-employment (no doubt to benefit the large corporation that he works under) so he has to pay for his own health insurance. For years he was unable to spare the money to buy it. Late last year he had a large payday and looked into obtaining health insurance. Would it surprise you to learn this 34 year-old man was rejected?
Housing market collapse & bank bailouts. I am behind on my mortgage and in danger of losing my house. Whenever I write to Bank of America I always point out that my loan originated with Countrywide which no longer exists for the same reason I am behind on my payments. I'm sure that accomplishes nothing but it makes me feel good. I was a very small-time real estate investor, which I now realize was an incredibly stupid thing to be! I am not proud of the many mistakes I made. Looking back I realize that I was arrogant and even lazy (expecting big paydays to come so easily!) and worst of all ignorant. The thing is, so was every bank and hedge fund involved in the market bubble. And they all walked away richer. I supported Barack Obama's election more than I ever had another politician. And I did not do it for my own gain. Nevertheless I expected so much more from him when it came to looking out for the middle class and the poor. I expected some pain to be extracted from the wealthiest who caused the crisis. Before the crisis I would have described myself as "somewhat wealthy" and I will say that my pattern of investing and speculation probably did contribute to the bubble. But in an incredibly small way -- Of course, there were many many more like me, and our combined uncoordinated actions helped drive the market to its unsustainable heights. I expected to suffer my own losses. What I did not expect is that people like me, on my small level, would go bankrupt and those above would escape unscathed (they whose actions were coordinated and who were in a better position to head off calamity). I obviously was naive. Sometimes I hear people blaming our entire financial crisis on the poor souls who took out more than they could afford to borrow. I ask: Since when have the poorest held the power to change regulations and bend banking policies to their will? And it doesn't hold water in my own experience. I borrowed more than I could afford on a property or two. And I was not poor at the time. And the property was valued very highly at the time. So, basically, I did things which appeared sound then which later seemed foolish and worthless when demand collapsed. That's one insider's view of the housing market collapse.
So those are examples of national policies and how they can affect one (gay) couple and contribute to financial strain (aw, hell: ruin). And, oh, in case anyone is wondering... I still support President Obama and I plan to vote for him in '12. I doubt if I will be able to muster as much energy as I expended in '08, however; and I know I won't be able to send him any money! In 2007 I attended a pricey fundraiser where I got to see him, talk to him, shake his hand and take a photo beside him... I suppose this would be a good time to point out that I am philosophical about my financial ups and downs. I appreciate the experiences like meeting Obama and other things. I have owned property and lived comfortably. I'm grateful to have health care (which I don't fully take advantage of because I can no longer afford the deductibles, copays and amounts not covered). I am happy for the good times I enjoyed in my heyday.
I started writing more but since there is no longer a diary limit, I will publish this while I work on the second part of what I wanted to write. Stay tuned, if you like...
Part II tells my life story and history of depression, gradual acceptance of being gay and gradual rejection of religion. (As I said, I like Part II better.)