The glorious day of judgement has arrived! As I'm sure all of ya have noticed by now, JudgementDay2011.com is so overwhelmed with traffic that ya probably can't get the last-minute coverage of the Rapture that you so desparately crave. So, until I get The Call, I'll be helpin' ya through these last terrifyin' minutes of life as we know it. You're Welcome!
A quick review: any minute now, God will be callin' some of His children to join Him in a glorious afterlife in Heaven. But He will leave the liberals, independents, and various RINO's (I'm lookin' at you, Mitt Romney) behind to suffer many awful tribulations on earth until October 21st, when God finally pulls the plug on humanity.
Now let's get started with a prayer, shall we?
Dear Heavenly Father,
Big day for Ya, ain't it, O Lord?
I know You must be very busy,
Makin' Your list and checkin' it twice,
So let me just say, on behalf of all who shall be saved,
That we welcome Your mighty vengeance,
When dealin' with the non-believers left behind,
And if it ain't too much trouble,
Please smite Katie Couric and Tina Fey,
In a particularly horrible way.
Amen!
Harold Camping has already been proven right! He predicted that the Rapture would roll through all the time zones, beginnin' in New Zealand just like a New Year's Eve celebration. And that a series of earthquakes would be "the signal" that the Rapture had begun. So I've been monitorin' seismic activity in New Zealand, and sure enough at precisely 7:30 AM New Zealand Standard Time, on May 21st, in the year of our Lord 2011, New Zealand was ravaged by a magnitude 3.0 earthquake, and at 8:09 PM NZST was ravaged yet AGAIN by a magnitude 2.5 earthquake.
It has begun. No one can deny it any longer.
And in more evidence of doom, the Mets beat the Yankees 2-1 last night. The Mets? Come on . . . ya can't ignore that.
And the strongest evidence yet that the ol' earth needs to be destroyed is a recent Gallup poll showin' that for the first time a majority of Americans think gay marriage should be legal. Sodom and Gomorrah, anyone?
Now, I know many of ya are confused and frightened about what's gonna happen today. And ya should be! Because the chances for liberals on this website bein' called to Heaven are about the same as Rachel Maddow gettin' married in Texas. But let's cover some FAQ's from both sides of the aisle:
What should I wear to enter the kingdom of the Lord?
I would suggest wearin' something like you would wear to chur . . . oh, sorry . . . forgot who I was talkin' to . . . I would suggest wearin' something like you would wear to a job intervi . . . no, that ain't gonna work either . . . I would suggest wearin' something like you would wear to a court hearing.
Should I pack anything to take to Heaven with me?
Yes, a few things. Generally the accommodations in Heaven are quite good (I envision it lookin' like a Marriott but with better parking), but ya need to take a couple of critical items. First, bring your driver's license to prove you are an American citizen. Second, bring your cell phone so you can call back to the heathens left on earth for a few well-deserved "I told ya so!" text messages. And third, bring a thoughtful gift for your host -- it's just good manners! Even though God has everything, a scented candle or a basket of fruit would be a nice touch.
What if (gulp) I don't get called to Heaven today?
Ah, now we get to something more relevant for DailyKos readers! You will endure a hell so hellish that Hell itself will be jealous. A variety of plagues will envelope the earth: swarms of locusts will destroy all the crops . . . diseases (especially the gay ones) will ravage the population . . . "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" will return to the air. My advice? Second amendment solutions! Although God may call His chosen weaponry to Heaven too for us patriots to hunt with.
Amazingly there still seem to be some skeptics regardin' Harold Camping's prediction for today, even though his logic is rock solid:
Harold Camping's numerology and rather liberal view of the laws of mathematics is the crux of their reasoning. Here is one example of many, from the Bible in John 21:1-14 the disciples are about 200 cubits out from the shore on the Sea of Galilee. Harold Camping has taken that figure of 200 cubits and decided that it actually means 2000 years between the first and second coming of Christ.
Not only has Harold Camping inserted his own meaning into a minor detail in the Bible, he has changed the number from 200 to 2000 and the units from cubits to years. With "reasoning" like this it is amazing that anyone has taken Harold Camping seriously.
As I said earlier, I'll keep postin' updates to this diary as long as I can, but once I get called to Heaven the rest of ya are on your own. Please use the comments to post the location and magnitude of any earthquakes ya live through. Also, please post details of any plague activity startin' up in your area, like if ya see hail or a frog. Also too, feel free to post tributes to Republicans as they get called skyward, or wax poetic as to why you doomed yourself to eternal flame by votin' for Obama.