Hey everybody. Kind of a downer here at Camp Camping at the new temp job. Boring even. I sold my Left Behind video games and Amy Grant CDs when I had the huge Rapture yard sale last week when I sold everything. Looks like the boss is going to give everyone an advance on their paycheck. When you're down to a Stryper t-shirt and one pair of underwear, it makes you feel really vulnerable.
Harry says The Big One is going to hit in October instead. Jimmy said, "Sure, sure," but Harry's pushing 90, I don't think he sees the sarcasm. If Jimmy keeps up with the forked tongue, he can stay down here with the sodomites.
October 21st is going to be great. I can't wait to float up to heaven and laugh and laugh at the sinners as their flesh melts from their bones in a hideous mixture of blood and lava while some kind of locusts and wild beasts bite them as they scream and scream while huge demons sodomize them again and again. After all, God is love.
But....even though I don't want to be a non-believer, I think I'm going to hide a pack of Fruit-of-the-Looms. Just to be sure.
We've probably lost that. I don't want to be extremist here, but I think we need to start calculating where we are in the culture.
—Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family, on "losing" the gay marriage fight.
He doesn't want to be an extremist.
We're the country that put a man on the moon, and we're also the country that created the rumor that we did not put a man on the moon.
—The Daily Show's John Hodgman.
Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I'm not going to say reading it is torture. It's more of an enhanced interrogation technique.
—Jimmy Fallon.
You need to be a disruptor in the way that your heart and your mind tells you to be a disruptor.
—Gov. Chris Christie (R, NJ), at his Steon Hall University commencement speech.
Christie was then disrupted by a chorus of boos.
More than 250 colleges are using graduation gowns this year made from recycled plastic bottles. Yeah, it’s great preparation for the job most college students will be getting: collecting and recycling plastic bottles.
—Jimmy Fallon.
We are pleased that the public debate on this issue has caused Comcast to reconsider this decision and hope to continue the discussion about how we can best ensure that corporations do not play a role in stifling free expression or limiting Americans' access to information
—Malory Graham, executive director of Reel Grrls, an organization whose funding by Comacast was pulled when they tweeted about former FCC chairwoman Meredith Atwell Baker getting a job at Comcast.
We’d even love you to come here with a camera and do a story on homelessness and hunger. But our feeding program isn’t just a backdrop to make you look good.
—Rev. Jennifer Linman to Glenn Beck, whose producer wanted to move up a "volunteer" day at her soup kitchen to mesh with a Beck announcement on being charitable.
I think the mood that I am in today and the venue that I am in, I'd pick Gretchen Wilson's 'Redneck Woman' and I'd be proud to have that as my ringtone.
—Sarah Palin, when told Newt Gingrich's ringtone was an Abba song.
Oh, you crazy redneck millionaires.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is putting his career on hold. Either that or he’s putting Korea on hold. It’s hard to understand him.
—Jimmy Kimmel.
You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.
—Jay Leno.
Today is National Visit Your Relatives Day! Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.
—Jimmy Fallon.
If you don’t know much about Newt Gingrich, he’s like Donald Trump without the charisma.
—Jimmy Kimmel.
At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony.
–David Letterman.
This IMF guy , this Dominique Strauss-Kahn spent the week in Riker's Island prison. Which is a historic first for America. We put a banker in jail.
—Bill Maher.
The amount of money investors lost in this fraud scheme is probably gigantic. The ill-gotten money the banks made off that same fraud is probably similarly huge. And the damage to society, in the form of mass foreclosures and other losses, is incalculable.
—Matt Taibbi on New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman's investigation of Morgan Stanley, BOA, and Goldman Sachs.
The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell.
—Jimmy Kimmel.
Of all the books in the Bible, Revelation is the most marginal, the most disputed and, to my mind, more like a bad trip at Burning Man than a serious contribution to our spiritual understanding or quest.
—Andrew Sullivan.
I don’t think you have to worry about returning library books or parking tickets.
—Mayor Michael Bloomberg, joking about the effect of the Rapture on NYC.
I think it's misfortunate. I've been a pastor for some 30 odd years and this has happened,what, some half-dozen times. People twist it and turn it to make it look like Christians are kind of nutty.
—Pastor and Koran burner Terry Jones.
Misfortunate? No. Unfortunate? Yes. Nutty? Yes squared.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from the internets, comes out every Tuesday afternoon.