Video and transcript below the fold.
Oh, did I have a nice vacation. But you know, this time, I was real excited to come back to work because we had a little bit of a doozy teed up here. A little story about a Congressman, Twitter account, and a photo of what may or may not have been his cock.
DANA BASH (5/30/2011): It came from Congressman Anthony Weiner's Twitter account over the weekend, a photo of an anonymous man's bulging underwear. The lewd picture, immediately deleted from Weiner's account, was sent to this 21-year-old Seattle college student.
You know, that's the picture right there. I gotta tell ya, this Twitter is something else. In the old days, a Congressman had to chisel images of his penis in limestone, or sit for days for a penis portraiture, and then have a runner take the picture to whichever damsel they wanted to horrify.
Here's my dilemma. One, we, a news-based comedy program, are looking at a story about a snapshot that appears to be an ample helping of penis, allegedly posted by a Congressman whose name is a synonym for a penis! I mean, for a program like this, the phrase "sweet spot" springs to mind. If we were to have a wheelhouse, this wheelhouse would be where the story would receive its mail, get its call; this would be this story's billing address.
So that would be in the let's do this story category. Now, the cons of this story is, this is my friend Anthony! Not this (pointing to penis picture), but this (pointing to Anthony Weiner's picture)! This guy's a friend of mine. And contrary to the New York Times' reporting, we were never roommates, but about 25 years ago, he and some friends of mine from college had a house down in down at Dewey Beach, Delaware, think Jersey Shore meets Yentl, and when I wasn't bartending or clearing plates off of half-eaten Mexican food off the tables, I would head down for the occasional freeloaders weekend. "Johnny doesn't chip in", they would call me, affectionately, or so I've convinced myself.
Anyway, as a comedian, this is a slam dunk. Weiner name, Weiner picture, where's my check? But, as a friend, I really hope that this story is not true. I really do. I would feel terrible if this was true, as a friend of his. And I do have my doubts about its veracity, having nothing to do with the circumstantial back-and-forth that seems to be going on about it. My doubts stem from this. Uh....
No way. No fucking way. Seriously, no way. No way! In real life, my memory is this cat had a lot more Anthony and a lot less Weiner. This is not what I remember. Now, to be fair, much of our time together was spent swimming in the frigid waters of the Atlantic Ocean, which as many of you know has a notorious smallening effect on the genitals, scientists referring to the phenomenon as El Piño.
Even the dolphins in the Atlantic are like this big. (makes size reference with thumb and index finger) You go out to the Pacific, grrrr, big bottle-nose, oooh, the whole thing! The Atlantic Ocean, you get a dolphin, he's like, "I don't know what happened! I swear to God, this has never happened to me before!" Yes, dolphins are also old Jews.
You know, I'll be honest with you, the only thing that Anthony Weiner and this gentleman here appear to have in common, is that they both lean hard to the extreme left. Boom! BOOM!! Cut me, Mick.
Look, I don't know what the hell this is, I don't know what's going on, I really hope it's not for real. Obviously, Weiner insists his Twitter account was hacked. If only there was a trusted name in news. Nay, the most trusted name in news!... to bring some needed editorial gravitas and insightful reportage to this mess.
5/30/2011:
DANA BASH: Questions surrounding the lewd photo quickly became the subject of a serious Internet war, between liberal blogs suggesting it's a right-wing conspiracy, and conservative blogs questioning Weiner's hacking claim.
....
JOHN KING: There's one way the Congressman could try to put this to rest, and that would be to call the Capitol Police or call the FBI and say come on in, please launch an investigation because I was hacked. Why hasn't he done that?
DANA BASH: We don't know the answer to that. I actually asked Congressman Weiner's press secretary about that today, I didn't get a response.
Well, I guess that's the end of it.
By the way, those liberal and conservative blogs having an all-out war; they're probably not doing anything about this story. Except showing that the Exif tags from the photo don't match the camera Weiner normally uses, although analysis of the actual yfrog image shows no signs of manipulation, although it's very odd that the only person who actually saw the original tweet has a history of sending harassing messages to the woman who'd received the tweet and others who follow the Congressman on Twitter.
Wow! Those blogs! That sounds a lot like reporting. Slow down, Woodward and Blogstein! Let the big boys at CNN handle this with their trademark "I guess we'll never know!"
To be fair, they're not just going to let a guy come on and speculate, saying Congressman Weiner might be some sort of sexual predator and pedophile, particularly if the accuser is someone who has openly and publicly sworn that his life's mission is to destroy those people on the institutional left.
CNN, 5/31/2011:
ANDREW BREITBART: I'm not saying what types of relationships, but people that Rep. Weiner follows, girls that are quite young, younger than the girl in question here, talk openly about Rep. Weiner, who he follows these girls, so that's where the story.....
RANDI KAYE: Those are definitely some interesting allegations, we'll have to obviously put those to the Representative, he's not on the show now to ask him about that.
(standing up in frustration) No, no, you don't....! You can find out about them! You can fact....! You don't need to wait for someone to call you back! You can do like, uh, what do you call it, like an investigation, using some type of, I don't know, journalism! You could even... you could do these types of investigations before you come on the TV and....
I'm sorry, that's not me talking, that's just my anger at this. I mean, his dick's just not that big. It can't be. We'll be right back.