Intense coldness is an uncomfortable feeling for humanity due to the absence of a normal body temperature. There were nights that required me to wear a heating pad as if it were an extension of my clothing. My body temperature was too low, but that was just the beginning. My hair which normally grew like plants in a greenhouse slowed, and my nails became very brittle and were blue more times then not because of poor circulation as well as the low body temperature. Also, the cycle of sleep was in pure disruption with my waking at before 3 AM on most days so I could exercise. Even as my skin began to turn yellow, my speech began to slow, and I had little energy after the hours of exercise I just kept on going. If I didn't really pay attention to what I saw and felt in the pain of these medical conditions it was not real. Denial was my best friend because as long as I could still go power walking or lifting weights I was "healthy".
Anorexia nervosa is an illness that means business because it can eventually take your life if you don't get the help you need. At 123 lbs I needed that help because I no longer could distinguish what was truly healthy on my own. As a 6'1" tall man there was no way that 123 lbs was a healthy weight, and yet I kept over exercising as if I needed to lose weight. Each day involved at least an hour of ab work which included aerboic moves meant to maximize the calorie burn. There were days that I did at least 1,000 or more crunches of different varieties so I could achieve my dream of 6 pack abs. Then there was the hour long "walk" that lasted for 5 miles that usually involved jogging at some points to burn more calories. Many times I would also lift free weights at home because I wanted to 'build my muscle'. Exercise literally became an addiction for me that took up most of my time and energy in a day.
Men develop eating disorders as well, and they are just as damaging as well as painful as they are for women who are afflicted with issues like bulimia, anorexia, or binge eating. My life revolved around counting calories, fat grams, and the like on nutritional labels which caused my level of functioning to significantly decrease. There were times I would calculate these numbers multiple times in a day due to how worried I was about eating "over" the amount of fat and calories in a day. The sad aspect of it is as you continue to lose weight the obsession with food and exercise grew stronger. The scale became the manner I determined my self-worth, and as long as I did not gain weight that was all that mattered to me. There is another layer of difficulty associated with being a man who has an eating disorder because our society so often views us as simply 'weak' or 'lacking self-control'.
Eating disorders may seem like an active choice on the surface, but they are far from it. This is an issue men and women who have eating disorders face because people view it as simply the lack of self-control. It is a complex interplay of genetics and environment that sets you on track to develop something as impactful as bulimia or anorexia. My pulse was in the 30's when they initially admitted me as an inpatient for treatment. Frankly, I was close to death at that point just a little over two months ago. The profound damage malnutrition causes from anorexia is all encompassing for the mind as well as the body. A source of pride for me was my writing and speaking style, but even that seemed lost. My speech became slow, broken, and I tended to forget things easily. The worst aspect was my awareness of this loss which made things even more painful.
My treatment team kept me alive, and helped get me on the road to recovery. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they get better, and that happened in this case. My striving to be thin nearly destroyed me. On one particular incident I caught my shoe on an uneven sidewalk which caused me to fall flat on my face. Thankfully I didn't break my jaw or lose any teeth, but it was very painful. The fact that I got up and jogged the rest of the way home through the pain demonstrates the level of distortion from reality that anorexia creates. My partner helped to dry my tears as well as tend to the wounds on my face when I arrived home. This was, quite literally, rock bottom for me.
Back in May of 2010 I began what was an innocent diet that turned into all out anorexia later. At 273 lbs I was miserable, and knew I needed to lose weight if I was going to be healthy and happy. The cycle of restrictive eating and over exercise that intensified as the months went on took its toll. People around me tried to reason with me, but the sense of happiness I felt from being skinny empowered me to continue despite the warning signs my body gave me. The scale became the focal point at which I derived most of how I felt about myself. I've been heavy for most of my life, and had never known what it was like to be thin. People would not develop disordered patterns of exercise or eating if it did not benefit them in some way, and for me it was the abdominals. When I bought size 32 shorts for this summer it felt like finding new meaning in life because of how much this had come to mean for me.
If you have a relative or friend suffering with cycles of binge eating or purging from various methods I highly suggest helping them to get help. If I hadn't been brought into treatment on an inpatient basis I would have died. There is no doubt in my mind that it would have happened if I hadn't gotten the help. On a political level it is interesting to note that part of the reason I was able to get treatment was the healthcare bill that allowed me to be on my parents insurance until 26. Due to not having a job with health insurance I needed to be on their insurance to get the treatment I so badly needed. People with mental and social issues so often get swept into obscurity by our society because we would rather not deal with these things.
During the time I was in treatment various people who were not ready to leave had to because their insurance would no longer pay for their hospitalization. Therefore, many of these people did not get the treatment they really needed. It is heartbreaking to me when people across the political spectrum argue that we should not work to reduce costs as much as possible. The notion that making a profit off of someones painful psychiatric disorder is more important then working to make sure they get better so they can function is astounding. The experience really opened my eyes how mental health is very much neglected in the United States, and how our politicians need to work together to make healthcare for all truly a right as opposed to a privelage.
Another social component to this story is me being a Gay man. My partner has had to deal with so much as a result of this eating disorder, but we have made it through the proverbial storm. He has seen me at my heaviest as well as my most thin, and he has always loved me through everything. Here in Illinois we can be 'civil unioned' but not 'married' so at least the state has taken a step in the just direction. The sad thing is that within the Gay community there is pressure to be lean and muscular as the rule. Not all Gay men are shallow, of course, but it is a social issue that needs more examination because it definitely contributed to the development and maintaining of my eating disorder. The over exercise was a maladaptive attempt to fit into the image of the Gay man I thought I was supposed to be based on the images and messages that constantly surround us.
There is greater pressure to be thin and/or muscular for Gay men because of the expectations based on long held stereotypes within and outside of the Gay community. It is most hurtful to be discriminated against based on your weight as it is for being Gay. This is what seems to be hypocritical based on my personal experience because if you know the pain of rejection based on something shallow why would you engage in the same thing towards another person? Humanity seems to forget the lessons that history has taught us in the realm of persecution based on our characteristic differences. If we truly wish to embrace diversity then we must treat one another as equals in diginity through being more kind to ourselves as well as others. If we sought understanding more then leaping to judgement about why people are the way they are the world would probably be a lot more peaceful.
The good news is that I finally finished treatment, and am in recovery. I've gained about 40 lbs or so and am getting close to my ideal weight now. Hopefully within the next few weeks I can maintain my weight in the healthy middle ground it has taken my entire life to finally arrive at. If you take away anything from this my hope is that you will be more consicious of being healthy and happy. There was so much I took for granted in my life, and I realize now how important it is to recognize all the good that you have because you never know when your time is done. All you can is try to make the present the best it can be to increase your chances of a brighter future. I'm thankful everyday for the people who loved me enough to help me get help.
Your self-worth as a human being should never be weighed on the scale. You have to find the strength from within to live your life as you know how and are. Happiness is not inevitable, but you can become more conscious about your surroundings to increase your chances of finding the happiness you seek. It's only when we examine who we truly are that we can make positive changes that bring us that health and happiness most of us want. It feels really good to be alive, and to be able to say I survived anorexia. For all of the physical and psychological pain I went through I feel a renewed sense of awareness and connection absent in my life before.