Video and transcript below the fold.
Nation, for as long as there has been an America, there have been irregularities at the polls. For instance, did you know that many voting booths do not have hooks to hang up your pants? And these irregularities are very suspicious. For instance, in 2008, none of my friends at the club voted for Barack Obama, and yet supposedly he won. And my club's not some out-of-touch enclave. We're very multicultural. Last week, they served Mojitos.
And when people I don't like get elected, there's only one explanation.
SEAN HANNITY (10/29/2010): Allegations of voter fraud continue to pop up all across the country.
BILL O'REILLY (10/28/2010): ... voter fraud ...
FOX NEWS MALE (10/31/2010): ... voter fraud ...
RUSSELL PEARCE (6/9/2010): ... voter fraud ...
MATTHEW VADUM (6/2/2010): ... voter fraud ...
Yes, voter fraud! Take Ohio, a crucial swing state in the last few elections. There, a statewide survey of votes cast in 2002 and 2004 found that out of 9,078,000 votes, there were four instances of fraud. That is a jaw-dropping 44 one-millionths of one percent! Folks, our democracy is under siege from an enemy so small, it could be hiding anywhere!
Now, some say these numbers indicating there is no widespread fraud, means there is no widespread fraud. Wrong! Just listen to Ohio state Republican representative Bob Mecklenborg, who said of voter fraud:
OHIO STATE REP. BOB MECKLENBORG (3/23/2011): I believe it happens, but it's proving a negative. ... It's impossible to prove a negative. How do you prove that fraud doesn't exist there?
Yes, it's impossible to prove a negative. That's why I believe in voter fraud, and why no one will ever convince me that this is not butter. It's delicious! But... folks, it came out of a cow. It came out of a cow.
But the most insidious form of fraud is people voting wrong. Ask Republican New Hampshire House Speaker William O'Brien, who back in January said this about college kids at the polls.
NEW HAMPSHIRE HOUSE SPEAKER WILLIAM O'BRIEN (1/13/2011): Voting as a liberal. That's what college kids do. They don't have life experience. They just vote their feelings.
Yes, college kids lack the life experience to vote. It takes years of soul-crushing disappointment to be dead enough inside to elect someone like William O'Brien.
Now thankfully, Republican lawmakers in Texas, Georgia, Indiana, Wisconsin, Kansas, Tennessee, and South Carolina, have all passed laws that require voters to show government-issued photo ID. It makes sense. After all, you have to show government ID to buy liquor, and voting can also make you wake up in the morning and say, "What the hell did I do?", and then puke in a trash can.
Naturally, the Democrat pro-fraud coalition went on a warpath.
RACHEL MADDOW (6/28/2011): All of these Republican governors are pushing all of these laws that will make it dramatically harder to register to vote, and to actually vote.
REP. JOHN LEWIS, D-GA (7/19/2011): Voter ID laws are a poll tax.
REP. MARCIA FUDGE, D-OH (6/13/2011): I guess they don't think that we understand that they're trying to keep poor people from voting, minorities from voting, the elderly from voting, students from voting. We are not stupid.
Well, that's the difference between us, madam. These laws aren't designed to keep those Democrats from voting, they're designed to keep the wrong people from voting.
JOHN STOSSEL (9/28/2010): Why do we have these campaigns saying, we have to get all the young people to vote? Young people often don't know anything. ... Let's stop saying everyone should vote. Voting is important.
RUSH LIMBAUGH (12/3/2010): If people cannot even feed and clothe themselves, should they be allowed to vote? (audience groans in disgust) Should they be voting?
JUDSON PHILLIPS (11/17/2010): If you're not a property owner, you know, I'm sorry but property owners have a little bit more of a vested stake in the community than not property owners do. (audience groans in disgust again)
And that's Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips. He knows the Founding Fathers were property owners, and some of the descendants of that property just shouldn't vote.
Now, there have to be standards, folks. Like the new law in Texas that won't allow a student IDs to be used for the purpose of voting, but will allow concealed handgun licenses. If anything, this will expand the voter rolls. In Texas, it's way easier to get a gun than a college degree.
But, I am most proud of the new anti-fraud legislation in my home state of South Carolina. Jim?
NIKKI GASKINS, ABC4 (7/18/2011): It's being called one of the nation's toughest voter ID laws out there. ... Under the new law, voters will be required to show a driver's license, military ID, or passport.
And I happen to know it is easy to get a South Carolina photo ID. I made them all the time in high school. And Gaston Reginald Mountebank shows up every year around tax time.
The knot on my tie is bigger than my head.
And I am not the only one who doesn't see a problem here, folks. Neither does South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley (R). Jim?
NIKKI HALEY (7/18/2011): Find me those people that think that this is invading their rights. Find, and I will go take them to the DMV myself, and help them get that picture ID.
OK? Everybody just pile into Nikki Haley's car. OK? But you'll wanna call shotgun, because according to the state Election Commission, she'll have to pick up 178,000 voters in South Carolina who don't have photo IDs. I'm sure she'll be able to pick them all up in her PT Cruiser. Though a lot of those voters are black, so she might get pulled over.
But even then, it is possible the wrong people could get elected. That's why we need something a little more selective than a photo ID. And I'll tell you what. These ID laws prove Republican legislators are great judges of who should vote, so let's just cut out the middle man, and only let Republican legislators be voters. That way, we will finally be certain that only the right people get elected. We'll be right back.