It's a regular feature of the Presidential election cycle. Candidates want nice catchy popular songs to play at their campaign stops, so they pick one. And every cycle we find out that anyone capable of writing a nice catchy popular song doesn't want their song associated in any way with a Republican. That's probably because good music requires rhythm, skill with words, and true passion, and the only one of those 3 a Republican possesses is true passion - and they dare not tell you what that passion actually is. At least, not without a great deal of wink-wink nudge-nudge.
So, doing my part to help suffering musicians from suffering the indignity of a Republican misusing their work, I have written new lyrics to old tunes and offer them up to three Republican candidates - Romney, Bachmann, and Pawlenty. I think that the original artists will not complain if you record these versions and use them, candidates.
Descend below the Orange Squiggle of Power to see:
"Who Am I" for Mitt Romney, based off "Who Are You" by The Who
"Crazy Eyes" for Michele Bachmann, based off "Lying Eyes" by The Eagles
"Tim Pawlenty" for - wait for it - Tim Pawlenty, based off "Mellow Yellow" by Donovan
Mitt Romney - Who Am I
For the curious, here are The Who doing "Who Are You".
Here are my lyrics.
Who am I?
Who, who, who, who?
Who am I?
Who, who, who, who?
Who am I?
Who, who, who, who?
Who am I?
Who, who, who, who?
I woke up in my smallest mansion
A servant called my name
She said “Pray arise, m’lord,
You must go out and campaign”.
I wandered into the costume room
Dressed in some peasant clothes
My usual Brooks Brother suit
Won’t pass for one of those
chorus:
Well, who am I? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
You really oughta know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Tell me, who am I? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
'Cause you really oughta know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
I was once pro-choice
But had an epiphany
I am now pro-life
If you’ll just vote for me
I once thought gays should wed
But now I think they suck
Basic human rights be damned
When ambition runs amok
Who are you?
Ooh wa ooh wa ooh wa ooh wa ...
Who are you?
Who, who, who, who?
Who are you?
Who, who, who, who?
Who are you?
Who, who, who, who?
Who are you?
Who, who, who, who?
(chorus)
I signed off on Romney care
When I ran the Bay State
I still stand by the idea
Of an insurance mandate
You know what I do stand for
It’s concentrated wealth
That’s a hard idea to sell
So I must resort to stealth
(chorus)
Michele Bachmann - Crazy Eyes
Moving on to Michele Bachmann, here are the Eagles doing "Lyin' Eyes":
And here are my lyrics.
Waterloo girls learn from John Wayne Gacy
The important thing is always hating gays
Lurk in bushes
So you can spy on ‘em
Keep track of all their sordid wicked ways
The Federal Government is a tool of Satan
The Education Department is his favorite deed
And Bush’s plans for improving education
Are part of his secret Commie creed
So the press ought to do an investigation
Into congress folk and their loyalty
‘Cause only those who think like Michele Bachmann
Have real love for our fair country
You can't hide your crazy eyes
And your smile creeps out most guys
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your crazy eyes
On the other side of town a donor is waiting
with brain of Tea and dreams he can’t reveal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause it’s pretty close to a license to steal
She hits him with her spiel,
He writes a fat check
And pledges to talk to all his friends
She swears that soon she'll put an end to taxes
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile
You can't hide your crazy eyes
And your smile creeps out most guys
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your crazy eyes
She goes out to fight ‘gainst evolution
And the ongoing hoax of climate change
Scientists are always such deceivers
With slippery facts and logic that’s so strange
She wonders how it ever got this crazy
Why can’t everyone just agree that she is right
Are they stupid, evil, or lazy?
Whichever it is she can’t give up the fight
She’s the only one able to arrange things
And set it up so well, so carefully
The nation’s fate will be so much better
Once Michele Bachmann can rule by decree
You can't hide your crazy eyes
And your smile creeps out most guys
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your crazy eyes
There ain't no way to hide your crazy eyes
Honey, you can't hide your crazy eyes
Tim Pawlenty - They Call Me Tim Pawlenty
Here is Donovan's original:
And here are my lyrics:
I'm just mad about Tax Cuts.
Voters are mild about me.
I'm-a just mad about Tax Cuts.
Voters are mild about me
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty.
I'm just mad about Spending Caps.
Voters are mild about me.
I'm-a just mad about Spending Caps.
Voters are mild about me
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty.
Born-a high forever to fly.
Campaign velocity nil.
Born-a high forever to fly.
I entirely fail to thrill.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty.
So very boring…
T-Paw Pawlenty
Is gonna be a sudden craze.
T-Paw Pawlenty
Will catch fire one of these days.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty
Unborn, yeah.
I'm just-a mad about them.
I'm-a just-a mad about t’ unborn.
Voters stay mild about me.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty,
Quite boring.
They call me Tim Pawlenty
Hello voters…
I’m not boring you, am I?