In a surprising development, due to a compromise with President Obama, the Higgs boson has made itself known to scientists. The president had worked behind the scenes day after day with the Higgs, making covert agreements to concede some of the most basic laws of nature and science, but the Higgs would not relent. The president then settled on gravity as a compromise position. He agreed to major cuts in gravity for the foreseeable future, possibly leaving all Americans flying off into the atmosphere for the rest of his tenure. The Higgs boson formally agreed to appear to scientists minutes after the law came into effect today.
President Obama hailed this historic event as symbolic of our national character, and a true example of compromise where shared sacrifice is achieved. He noted that not only will we finally discover something scientists have always searched for, but now Americans won't be tied down to any specific location. "This will make it easier to find those scarce jobs," he said, "because with gas prices so high and our manufacturing sector shrinking, and with Republicans assaulting unions every day, Americans needed a simple way to get from place to place faster. Now you aren't stuck in your town, you're able to just float away. This compromise was the only option left."
Told that Republicans could capitalize on this move - seizing on this opportunity, they are already formulating plans to move the earth's axis one degree and make the planets and the sun revolve around the Earth so it lines up with Biblical teachings - President Obama says he "takes John Boehner at his word" that he has America's best interests in mind. "Listen, the Republicans are true patriots who love America as much as anyone else. There is no way they would jeopardize any of us. I have complete faith in the Republican party and their goals." Calling a question about Republicans' leverage for future deals that may hurt Democratic interests "ridiculous" he reiterated that a "grand bargain" is needed at this time and Americans will be happy with the results in time. "The important thing is that this bill raises all Americans up without raising one cent of revenue," he noted.
A cat floats by, muttering that "the cat food
commission wasn't what I thought."
The mood in what's left of the country, however, is more bleak. No poll has been taken since gravity was cut due to technical difficulties so we spoke to Americans as they floated by. One young lady asked, "How could he do this to us? Americans need gravity. Doesn't he know it's essential to our survival?"
Another American, a middle aged man, said he's been watching his family members being whisked away, and he feels powerless to stop it. He said, "I'm floating around aimlessly with no help, nothing to grab onto. I don't know what I could do. There is no help for people in a no-gravity situation. I'm watching everyone I love lose their possessions, their homes, their lives, and I wonder, am I next? I just can't believe this would happen here. For a president to eliminate one of the bedrocks of civilization is insane."
But not everyone sees it that way. One of the president's most ardent defenders writes in a blog post titled "President Obama cuts weight of ALL Americans overnight! YES WE CAN!":
President Obama has given this country a gift today. He has eliminated obesity and health problems associated with weight overnight! This new bill eliminates gravity which only caused problems for people in this country. This brilliant man has, with the stroke of a pen, defined himself as the greatest American who ever lived. Now none of you drooling whiners who hate on him will ever have to worry about weight gain again.
On top of that, this president is the best president on LGBT issues we have ever seen. Now, everyone is floating, weightless. Nobody is thinking about heterosexual sex or gay sex anymore while they're all trying not to float away. They're not even touching other people. So there's no more bullying or hate crimes either. This president made LGBTs equal to other Americans with this bill but I'm sure some of you professional leftists will whine about it still.
Are you in? I am!
Commenters asked "what planet are you on?" but I was unable to discern if it was an insult or a literal question under the circumstances.
Following that theme, in an apparent attempt to gain some donations from an untapped constituency, Obama For America contacted this writer to discuss the vote. I'm a paraplegic, and OFA wanted to inform all people with mobility issues that it no longer matters. Without gravity, they told me, everyone's equally helpless. They relayed that their new pitch will involve discussions of newfound equality for disabled Americans, from everything from discrimination in housing and jobs to financial equality. Now that everyone is in roughly the same position, paraplegics will have the same access to jobs and be paid the same wages as anyone else. They are urging all disabled people to donate $400 in celebration of this momentous achievement.
Left-leaning bloggers largely echoed the sentiments of most of the Americans we spoke to, however, and urged Congress to refuse to acquiesce to this compromise and, as they put it, "inject some sanity in this debate over gravity." Said one liberal blogger, "we didn't even need this compromise. Scientists were well on their way to discovering the Higgs boson anyway. Realistically this would have worked itself out. The current debate is a sideshow that takes the focus off jobs for Americans, and does so in a very threatening way.
On top of the economic recession, Americans don't need the loss of gravity hindering their lives further. We know that the president enjoys compromise, but there are limits."
Indeed it is difficult to understand the point of this exercise. It invites utter chaos and death and erodes the foundation of our world and for what? There does not seem to be much of an upside. In fact no one in the White House, and none of the Senate Democratic leadership are willing to explain to us what the upside is. An unnamed official said "I'm too scared to confront the recklessness of this administration in public and in direct talks with the president, but secretly I am ashamed that the president just wants to compromise for the sake of compromising. He doesn't care what it involves. The other day he bought me lunch because I forgot my wallet at home and he said, 'Let's compromise. Since I bought you lunch today because you screwed up and left your money at home, I'll buy you all three meals for the rest of this week.' I asked him what he got out of it and his blank stare told me all I needed to know. The man loves his compromises."
In trying to assess administration's understanding of the current economic and social situation in America and how this bill relates to real people's lives, we caught up with a White House spokesperson for a few words. Asked to comment on our interviews with citizens unhappy with the deal, and various critical posts written by left-leaning bloggers, the White House suggested that "those people are on drugs and need to get tested. They're fucking retarded."
Mainstream media reporting is scarce as reporters try to hold on to the Earth and remain at ground level, but there is one story that has appeared online. It largely addresses the bipartisan nature of the deal:
Both Sides Do It
This deal is a good thing because it is bipartisan. It could not have passed in this current climate without both parties signing on. Republicans control the House and nothing Democratic will ever come out of this government. For the first time, everyone came together, joined hands and signed a really big deal into law. They showed their willingness to work together to change this country in a centrist-oriented way. Since Democratic bloggers wanted to keep gravity and Republicans want to reintroduce geocentrism and move the earth's axis, the obvious solution is to eliminate gravity entirely.
As I sit here, watching my husband float away, our children sucked into space and our house break apart at its cement base, I'm stunned at what America is capable of when we come together. My life is changing and I just lost another child and there goes my car. I have to cut this article short. I just want everyone to understand: both sides do it.
Asked if they're willing to vote for this administration in next year's election, most people looked at me strangely as they fought to hold onto my hands. As one potential voter put it, "We don't have jobs. We don't have money. And now this administration is taking away the one thing we knew would always be there for us. And you're asking if we'll vote for them?" A passing uprooted tree knocked her out of my grasp, so she could not elaborate.