OK, none of the segments from last night's Daily Show and Colbert Report really seemed worth transcribing, so here's an older clip from August 1st, when Stephen Colbert compared Obama to the troll under the bridge in a hilarious Billy Goats Gruff metaphor.
Now everybody had seen this exact match-up in 1995, and knew a troll could win by eating the goat, and then celebrating by having sex with the troll intern. OK? You get a college credit in bridge-keeping. OK?
But Obama Troll said, "Now is not the time. There is a bigger goat coming, and I trust that that goat will do the right thing."
So he let the medium goat pass. Then this summer, the largest billy goat came clopping up and said, "Mr. Troll, I will not raise the debt ceiling unless I get to gouge out your eyes and throw you off the bridge."
So the troll had to compromise by gouging out his own eyes and throwing himself off the bridge.
And the moral of the story is, when the first goat comes along, you gotta tear its head off, have sex with the neckhole, and then mail the carcass back to its brothers and say, "Any of you other goat motherfuckers want to put a hoof on my bridge?"
Video and transcript below the fold.
Nation, it is exactly 11:32pm Eastern time if I had not pre-taped this show 4 hours ago. So I don't know whether Congress has passed a compromise plan to raise the debt ceiling, or whether we defaulted and you are watching this from a cave eating squirrels that you are cooking over a pile of U.S. Treasury bonds.
Now personally, I am betting on default, which is why I spent the weekend bottling my own urine to use as drinking water. Remember, you want to run it through the Brita three times. OK? After that, you're golden. Or rather, you're not.
But, if the unthinkable happens, and Congress cooperates, there is a silver lining to solvency. Because this is the best kind of deal, the kind Democrats hate.
BARACK OBAMA (7/31/2011): Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No.
NANCY PELOSI (7/31/2011): We'll all have to take a look. And we all might not be able to support it, or none of us may be able to support it.
STENY HOYER (8/1/2011): We've missed an opportunity. This is not a balanced approach.
REP. EMANUEL CLEAVER, D-MO (8/1/2011): This is a Satan sandwich.
Yes, for the Democrats, this is a Satan sandwich, a Beelze-BLT. Because the deal gives the Republicans $2.4 trillion in cuts with no increase in taxes or closing loopholes for corporations and the rich. In return, the Democrats get a rise in the debt ceiling that lasts until 2013. And you know you've won a negotiation when the opponent's only demand is not to have to negotiate with you for a long time.
Now as Speaker of the House John Boehner said, the Republicans got 98% of what they wanted. So obviously, Republicans are thrilled.
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (7/31/2011): From the Republican Party's point of view, I think we can declare victory. ... I'm not ready to vote for this.
REP. JOE WALSH, R-IL (8/1/2011): This is a victory for our leadership. ... I can't vote for this.
REP. TOM GRAVES, R-GA (8/1/2011): It's just not something that I can support.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (8/1/2011): I'm not inclined to support it.
Yes. This is a victory. But it could've been so much more victory-er. What about a Balanced Budget Amendment? What about a tax cut? What about making Obama eat a bug? I believe that's in the Tea Party platform. And we could've gotten it all, folks, because the President clearly responds to threats. And this is the third time.
It's like the Billy Goats Gruff. Obama is the troll. Back in December, the smallest billy goat said, "Mr. Troll, let me cross your bridge so I can go to the other side and renew the Bush tax cuts, or I will call you a job-killer."
Now the troll had promised the people who elected him bridge keeper, that he wouldn't let that specific goat cross. But keeping in mind his other troll priorities, he made the political calculation to let the goat pass and bring this issue up again later with a bigger goat he knew was coming.
Then, this spring, the medium-sized goat showed up and said, "Mr. Troll, let me cross your bridge so I can cut spending, or I will shut down the government."
Now everybody had seen this exact match-up in 1995, and knew a troll could win by eating the goat, and then celebrating by having sex with the troll intern. OK? You get a college credit in bridge-keeping. OK?
But Obama Troll said, "Now is not the time. There is a bigger goat coming, and I trust that that goat will do the right thing."
So he let the medium goat pass. Then this summer, the largest billy goat came clopping up and said, "Mr. Troll, I will not raise the debt ceiling unless I get to gouge out your eyes and throw you off the bridge."
So the troll had to compromise by gouging out his own eyes and throwing himself off the bridge.
And the moral of the story is, when the first goat comes along, you gotta tear its head off, have sex with the neckhole, and then mail the carcass back to its brothers and say, "Any of you other goat motherfuckers want to put a hoof on my bridge?"
The End.
(wild audience applause)
By the way, I am available for children's parties.
As to what they did cover last night, Jon of course looked at Tim Pawlenty dropping out and Rick Perry entering the race.
But what's already going viral is Jon blasting the media for
ignoring Ron Paul after he finished just barely behind Michele Bachmann in the Ames Straw Poll. Oh my, the Paul fans came out of the woodwork sharing that clip. My ex-neighbor posted the
Mediaite writeup of it on my
Facebook wall before the show even aired on the West coast. It's good media criticism, but I'll leave it to a Ron Paul fan to do the whole transcript and figure out the names of every single reporter in that montage.
It's funny, while the Pawlenty and Perry clips have gotten about 2,000 views already on the Daily Show website as of 2am PDT/5am EDT, the Paul clip has already surpassed 11,000 views. The people in my age group who are getting attracted to Ron Paul is starting to disturb me.
Sam Bee then found what may be the
one person who actually likes this current Congress.
Meanwhile, Stephen
covered all the straw poll news (but didn't cover Ron Paul so the Paul fans hate him).
And Stephen's guest was UN ambassador Susan Rice. The interview went much longer, even with two segments, so here's the entire interview in three parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3