David Sedaris parody of the Republicans Candidates talking to God over at Vanity Fair is too hilarious to miss. Here are a couple of excerpts;
I’m Not Running for President
By David Sedaris
August 15 2011
When I said that God didn’t want me to run, I didn’t mean that He thought me to be in any way inexperienced or “not quite ready to lead.” Far from it. “You’re a lot better qualified than the rest of the pack,” He told me. “Especially what’s-her-name who’s claiming that her candidacy was my idea. I never told her to run for president any more than I told her to marry that fruitcake of a husband. And I’ll tell you something else,” He said. “If the primary were held today, I’d vote for you in a heartbeat.”
God prefers my ideas on shrinking the government to those of the other Republicans and added that if He could, He would put it in writing that Social Security is a Satanic Ponzi scheme.
I said, “I wish you would.”
And He told me that He doesn’t have any hands, just arms that end in points, like pool cues. That’s why His beard is so long—He can’t cut it. If I were president I would trim the Lord’s beard, and then I would trim federal spending. But I’m not running.
“But what about Shari’a Law?” you’re probably asking. “It’s spreading like wildfire through the United States and I’m worried that my town could be next!”
To this I’d answer—and bear with me here—that if you really look at Shari’a Law and leave out the Islamic part, it’s actually not such a bad thing, at least if you’re not a criminal, or someone who practices deviant behavior. One of the things it calls for—and adamantly—is the execution of homosexuals, no matter which congresswoman they’re married to. Shari’a Law dictates that highway robbers should be crucified, and, ladies and gentleman, if our federal taxes aren’t highway robbery, I don’t know what is. If I were running for president, my first order would be to take all the “revenue generating” Democrats and nail them to crosses...
Do read the whole thing.