Can’t stop my mind long enough to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time anymore. It races all the time now. Part of it goes over what we are still learning every day: the fraud, the corruption, the immorality -and not in some “right-wing glen beck” kinda way- but REAL morality. The absolute loss of this nation’s soul that we have been going thru – it’s insidious – it’s pervasive. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming… and that is what you are looking at now – this note is a kind of psychic spilling over.
I spend all my days since.. when?.. last October-or was it November? Anyway, I spend EVERY SINGLE DAY reading/posting/warning now. I guess I underestimated how the reading of Wikileaks effected me. It was SOO shocking to have my worst suspicions confirmed for me. All this time (12 years since the rose-colored glasses were ripped off my face – but that’s ANOTHER story altogether) ALL this time I spent reading, researching..o I caught some of it..some I just KNEW was wrong..the war in Iraq was a lie and I shouted it from the rooftops the entire year in the run-up. No one listened. Some looked at me like I was crazy (I have a hard time NOT being passionate about something I believe in and I’m even worse at holding my tongue). Some laughed and treated it like a joke (which made me react even worse). Most just ignored me. Some in my family asked me not to send them political emails anymore. My friends and I got disconnected along the way (NO, I do NOT want to go to the MALL this weekend – I don’t even understand that question) I guess this was the process of my radicalization. Funny how TRUTH is considered radical.. but spending the entire day in the mall – just fine. THAT is part of the mess we have yet to undo and since it took us 30+ years to get here..I figure it will take AT LEAST a generation to get out. Sometimes my optimism gets the best of me and I think: No, now that’s it all out in the open, it will crumble quickly. Like any other evil, the very speaking of its name – the NAMING of it, is sometimes enough to vanquish that evil forever. How deep is it I wonder?? Sometimes I even catch myself still repeating crap that is part of that old paradigm..and I KNOW BETTER. It’s in there alright..I bought in all the way – like a lot of people. Even now that I believe I am all the way out – sometimes, believe it or not, I sense a loss…then I wake up and laugh at myself. Loss of WHAT exactly??
I can’t STAND to be around certain people – mostly girlfriends I’m afraid. NO I do NOT want to talk about comforters for ONE HOUR. GOD..don’t you KNOW what is going ON??? I want to scream, but instead, I smile and promise myself NEXT time I will beg off whatever little date they want to plan. NO I do NOT want to go to the nail salon. YES I like my nails polished (I rarely go without it) but to me it is maintenance..and nothing bores me more than maintenance. So would you like to go to a political rally with me instead? You can imagine the looks on their faces. In a place like the USA where women are supposed to be empowered.. instead, they have been put back in their place by a commercial industry run by males..where a new wrinkle is devastating..but the idea that your country murdered 1million+ innocent Iraqis?? Well that is “booooring”. What reaction did I expect them to have? So, most of this trip into my radicalization has been a solitary one. Until now.
And I really thought we lost them, this generation of kids fed with “Paris Hilton/Jersey Shore” crap..Hell we lost more than 75% of MY generation to that same shit. But they have proved me wrong – and I am elated. I see them all out here- no older than my own 20 y.o. daughter – I see them out here with me on a march – kicking ass and taking names, with TRUTH..TRUTH, by god, they HAVE it. They know it! The intellectuals did not perish, they are not gone, they exist!! I wanna do CARTWHEELS whenever I look at them. I am amazed..how did they survive? It was so so bad..they piled on the propaganda so heavy. These poor kids had to deal with crap I never even had to deal with 20 years ago – me a child of the “me-me” 80s. Maybe that was it eh? Maybe it was SOOOOO overdone that they blew it..they overplayed their hand. The masters of crap with their empty TV, their empty movies. Books? WTF are BOOKS? You READ? Nerd. They overplayed their hand. It was all just too stupid and the kids saw RIGHT thru it. BRAVO!!BRAVO!! roses roses roses
We have an entire generation of kids whose government has never NOT lied to them. A whole generation of kids who never knew what it was like NOT to be at war …THINK about that. My poor Kitty Kat..I know I drove you crazy. Each day you would come home from school and I would do my very best to un-brainwash you. NO – life IS NOT like that. NO – that is NOT normal..I don’t CARE if everyone else does it/wears it/says it. I know it hurts that you do not fit, but do you really WANT to fit in with these people? Poor Kat, you must have thought I was CRAZY. I thought that very same thing about my own parents. but it’s much easier to do that when they come from another country. So easy to say ” you just don’t UNDERSTAND..that’s NOT how they do it here.” And given who my parents were (2 intellectuals) I guess I’ve been doomed to get lost on the crazy “I want to fit in” stuff, buy into the bullshit, and then come right back to the path- they were RIGHT all along – so so so very right.
My father was a political dissident and we had to leave Portugal during the Carnation Revolution. Leaving family, friends and EVERYTHING we knew, in order to quite loudly, voice the TRUTH so I guess I shouldn’t be too, too surprised that here I am 12 years in and this is how it – my radicalization- has gone..literally: sssslllloooowwww….ssslllooowww…ssllooww…slow…light speed. REALLY?! These last 2-3 years the pace has sped up so much that it is beyond light speed. Have you ever been on tweetdeck? Ok..now were you on tweetdeck during the Egyptian revolution? Ok – then you know what I’m talking about. That is how quick the info is coming in now…I almost cannot keep up with it but fear taking my eyes off ANY of it, worried that while I am not looking they (the powers that be) will pull some other crap and I’ll miss it – thereby leaving me unable to point it out – to warn others- and then somewhere down the line I’ll find it out, but not before even more of our country is destroyed. I CAN'T let that happen. I WON’T let that happen. So since October/November 2010.. I’m hyper vigilant. NO rest..ever. Yesterday and today are good examples of this. Yesterday the house passed a bill they named “Protect Life Act”..sounds good doesn’t it? Except that what it REALLY does is prevent a woman from getting an abortion EVEN if her LIFE is at risk..Wait, I thought it was called “the Protect Life Act”?? Maddening – crazy making. But wait, it gets better.. TODAY they voted to not label “coal ash” as a hazardous waste……….WTF??? What happened to protecting LIFE??? Do you know 20,000 Americans die every year from the effects of coal plants (not to even mention the fact we have already reduced 500 mountains to RUBBLE mining coal- RUBBLE – like no more mountain kind of rubble)?? 20,000 people die EVERY YEAR!!!! only 3000 died on 9/11 and we went to war with 2 countries over that shit yo…but really don’t you even THINK about that or anything – YOU JUST GO SHOPPING – help the economy (of China that is.. If y’all are still Wal-Mart shoppers – and DO NOT get me going on THAT subject because I can go on for HOURS – HUGE, horrible, long lasting, probably irreversible consequences to this country what that company did)
For a while, a long while actually, since I got home from Peru in April…I just wanted to leave this country, go back to Peru. If it was a particularly bad day – I would check to see that my passport was STILL in my drawer where I last saw it – an hour ago. The more "fraud, fraud, corruption, fraud" posts I put up on my fb to warn my friends and family..the more depressed I became. I dreamt of the sacred valley..sooooooooooo beautiful – untouched – pristine. The people – so genuine – so warm. The only time you get taken for a ride is in Cuzco by the little shysters in the streets trying to get you to let them polish your shoes..but you know what?? You'd know it – you'd KNOW when they’re trying to rip you off because by their very (genuine) nature – they would get a "funny" look on their face. HA! They are UNPRACTICED at lying..you can spot it at 100 paces – especially by an American whose own government lies to her every day and does it so expertly that you have to dig and dig and dig for the truth. Yeah, you could say I’ve gotten REALLY good at spotting bullshit – wonder if there’s a future career in that? Hmmm..? Well, let’s hope not, let’s hope that this skill becomes absolutely, completely, useless..as quickly as possible..Tomorrow would be GREAT! But I digress. I thought of leaving for Peru – permanently. Really! I even looked at real estate down there..I hated this place. The SHAME was unbearable. How could anyone STAND to live in a country that does these things I wondered? I just didn’t want to part of it ANYMORE.
And then..
A miracle happened. America woke up. For MONTHS I’ve been playing with all my friends on fb, asking them if they’ve bought their comfy shoes yet..that revolution was coming (half hoping- ok less than half hoping). I even asked Wael Ghonim if we could just borrow his Egyptians for a little while.. and then OUT of no-where..It’s HAPPENING!! We are in the streets….EVERYWHERE!!!! It is so beautiful!! The intellectuals are NOT dead..They are NOT exclusively in Europe or the Middle East..They are HERE!!!! RIGHT HERE..in the good old USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O thank GOD. No more MALL..No more one hour COMFORTER conversations!!!
THEY are HERE..and they’ve had a “coming out” of their own:
Mom, Dad..I’m an intellectual. I guess it first started when the kids at school made fun of me for sticking up for the new kid and the injustice of it all just made me INDIGNANT and I yelled and I screamed at them..and I told on ALL of them for being MEAN and being STUPID and LYING..I just couldn’t TAKE it anymore. And then I started seeing it all around me and I wondered why injustice existed at all..and that’s when I had my first experience ..with PHILOSOPHY..I think I was 20ish..It was then that I knew that this is who I AM..and I’m NOT going to hide it ANYMORE. I WON’T live a lie.
So..I’m not alone anymore..Maybe I never was..? Obviously a whole LOT of us have been feeling this way. Running a business and delving into the internet between appointments, squirreling away time to read late into the night after putting our children to bed. Saying NO to a "Imma gonna touch every single thing in the mall" day and instead, reading until 3pm on a sunny Saturday after 2 POTS of coffee still sitting in our collective pajamas and realizing we haven’t eaten yet..Running out of friends to drag to lectures with us- hoping to spark some inner passion for truth in them-hoping this NEXT lecture should do it. Demonstrating against the wars by ourselves. Sending miles of petitions in mass mailings- out to EVERY single email contact on our lists-hoping THIS time.. they will get just as mad as we are..I am SURE of it..and getting nothing..silence. Or worse..getting told that we just need to have a drink, have a nap, have a snack, go shopping..you'll feel better.
We’ve tried EVERYTHING. We tried voting for Hope-for Change- for Obama (yeah, I DRANK THAT KOOL-AID TOO) It got so much WORSE. We tried petitions – no go. We tried calling congress – no go. THIS IS ALL WE HAVE LEFT!!!! I like to think that these people in the streets with me now were there with me all along.. On this long and winding road. There’s MUCH more work to be done. Sometimes (not often at first, but more and more lately) when I am out at Dewey Square marveling at ALL these people who are awake – they are in possession of the TRUTH!!! Yaaayyy! Then, I get worried. Worried that we may fail. Like soooo many revolutions before us have..OBVIOUSLY..if they were successful we wouldn’t HAVE to be here doing it again… and realizing that we have loads of revolutions to study so we don’t make the same mistakes. My feeling lately is that while we have a GREAT demolition team going (and when you have the TRUTH..it ALL comes crumbling down pretty quickly) we have yet to REALLY REALLY start talking about what we are going to replace this entire shitty system with. and ya KNOW what..? Next GA I am getting on stack and just saying this OUT LOUD in front of all of them..it IS a GENUINE concern I have. It has defeated MANY MANY revolutions before ours..I WON’T SEE THIS ONE FAIL!!!!! I CAN’T see this one fail.
Well then, so, I guess now I don’t have to be SOOOO worried all the time..Everyone has woken up..They are beginning to SEE THE TRUTH. So maybe now, after 12 years, I can take a break..?? Can I finally exhale..?? The Revolution HAS begun. It’s not ALL my responsibility anymore (it has felt that way for too long). Everything is going to be all right. We’re on it. Carry on. MANY PEOPLE ARE NOW WORKING TOGETHER ON OUR COUNTRY. We have NOT lost it yet..And now, I feel we never will. No matter what happens from here – it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. EVER.