Remember those nasty little posters of Obama our friends on the right put up during the health care debate? Maybe his likely opponent deserves a few.
In my imagination, Mitt Romney, like Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent, was involved in a horrifyingly mind-splitting incident. Unlike Dent, however, Romney had the best plastic surgery and cognitive therapy money could buy.
However, reconstructing Romney was problematic. Trade-offs had to be made. A bedrock sense of values was swapped for a custom hair regenerator. And, to make room for a new, Sauron-sized throbbing ambition, the sense of shame was removed.
Yes, Mitt looked normal. Heck, he looked good. But beneath the surface, something plotted, waiting to emerge.
I picture the moment of truth like this:
As Massachusetts sleeps, Romney blearily rises to step before his bathroom mirror. It is 1:59 AM.
He rinses his face and looks up, only to confront the gaze of his other self. The reflection accuses him in a harsh whisper:
“You are a failure, Mitt! You lost a primary to John McCain. What more proof do you need?”
“You lie,” retorts Romney. “I governed the birthplace of the American Revolution with sense and moderation, bringing peace of mind and health care to my people!”
“And for what?” barks the mirror, “Your pathetic principles and accomplishments are now just footnotes in history. There is no justice. Your people will forget you! Unless…” the image grins with malice.
“Unless what?”
“You embrace me and my strength. Together, we will seize the nation!”
“No,” whispers Romney.
“Yes!” roars the mirror.
A pause. “Well,” says Mitt, without inflection, "there’s only one way to decide.” He reaches for his special double-headed coin, pristine on one side, marred on the other, and flips it as the clock strikes 2:00.
Later, a campaign trail of bloody flip-flop prints would tell any caped crusader the result of the toss.
Of course, things have become complicated for Mitt Two-Face now that the Penguin (aka Newt Gingrich) has formed a rival gang. While unblessed with Romney’s physical prowess or looks, the waddling mastermind is extraordinarily adaptable, with an unadulterated lust for power matched only by a powerful lust for adultery. Under his ever-present umbrella of ego stand many shady characters rolled into one: a con artist capable of passing off drivel as academic work, a jewel fancier so brilliant that stores extend him credit, and a character assassin so coolly detached that he would give Mr. Freeze the chills.
These two are all that is left on the Republican side; the rest are on the way to Arkham Asylum.
So riddle me this, Batman: When these guys shoot it out, where will you bury the survivor?
First answer: You don’t bury survivors.
Second answer: Hopefully, there won’t be one.
Now, a caveat: The above is actually my second attempt at a cartoonish narrative. A very good, very liberal friend of mine took a gander at the first version and suggested it was too harsh to Romney, even though my friend would never consider voting for the governor.
I changed the piece around a little, removing a few really mean lines. I did it because my friend’s words reminded me that the governor does have some admirable accomplishments, achieved at political cost, most notably the expansion of health care in Massachusetts.
Okay, credit where credit is due. But now Romney seeks to lead a party that has embraced some of the most destructive economic, foreign policy and moral positions in the recent history of the US. If he were running as reform candidate, that would be one thing, but he isn’t. Instead of using his achievements to convince the Republican Party that it can be rational and successful at the same time, he has chosen to run against his own record in order to win approval from an increasingly mean-spirited and downright crazy right wing. Even if he is running as a stealth candidate, as some suggest, it doesn’t matter: when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
I do believe Romney has principles. I also believe that he has bowed to expedience. Many say that all presidential candidates do this, and they are pretty much right. I offer two reasons: First, the monumental task of winning the White House tempts those in the running to make more promises than they can possibly ever keep. Second, our mistaken belief as an electorate that the Oval Office contains a magic wand demands that they make such unrealistic commitments.
But in the end, there is a distinct line between not accomplishing all you have promised to do and denying what you have actually done. Barak Obama and Mitt Romney stand on opposite sides of that line.
As for Newt Gingrich, his combined record of vicious publicity-generating attacks, remarkable lack of real legislative achievement and pandering to whatever is the rising power on the right, no matter how repugnant, is unblemished by any service to the greater good. In this, he stands in sharp contrast to both Romney and Obama. I do not believe he will secure the Republican nomination, but it is a sad commentary on the United States that a significant number of voters are willing to see him as a better alternative to those who have attempted to, and succeeded in, improving the lives of many.