Some people (like me, for instance) have argued at various times that President Obama has done a great job working with the political environment he inherited - and the current Republican Congress that we, progressive heroes that we are, gave him - but no more! For I have uncovered the most insidious and monstrously conceived conspiracy in the history of our republic, and Barack Obama is right at the center of it. Its accomplices are throughout the world, in every government, every academic center, every seemingly credible media outlet, and even in me. Yes, this is partly a confession of my role in the plot, and I've chosen to come clean now and be purged of my guilt. You see, it's all part of a scheme called Operation Opposite, where the President achieves progressive results only as a cynical ploy to not achieve progressive results. It's all very devious and diabolical, I think you'll agree.
1. Ending the Iraq War.
As we've been often informed by heroic bloggers courageously plumbing the depths of this conspiracy, the Obama administration never actually intended to end the Iraq War - quite the contrary. They really intended never to leave Iraq, and to continue, if not escalate the Iraq War indefinitely in service to their masters in the military industrial complex. Every claim to be headed in the direction of withdrawal, and every practical move taken toward it, was rightly dismissed by these far-sighted Cassandras. But it appears the plot runs even deeper than they suspected, because the administration doubled-down on its lies about withdrawing by actually doing it.
But don't be fooled - I was not. In fact, the moment I heard about it, I said "Ah ha!" because my deepest suspicions had been confirmed. What more devilishly clever way could there possibly be to continue the Iraq War but to end it? Barack Obama is a more sinister character than I'd ever imagined.
2. Twelve billion dollars in new funding to Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.
Creating opportunities for the disabled is one of the hallmark altruistic objectives of the progressive agenda, so it should surprise no one that notable Cheneyite Barack Obama is trying to sabotage that objective by flooding it with new funding. The scheme goes like this: How can a disabled person learn if so much money is invested in educating them that schools have to spend all their time figuring out how to spend it? You wouldn't call a guy compassionate for beating a child with cerebral palsy to death with a bag full of money, would you? Well, that's exactly what the Obama administration has done here. His depravity sickens me!
And while we're at it, the previous Congress run by Democrats - the one Serious PeopleTM inform us was totally useless, corrupt, and incapable of serving the public interest - was directly accomplice to this connivance via the 2009 stimulus bill. So, no hurry to put those evil bastards back in control of Congress!
3. Extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees, welcome gays into the military, and appointed more openly gay officials than any president in history.
You see, President Obama has no backbone when it comes to taking moral stands - he just knuckles under to wingnut religious sensibilities, and cedes the field to backward social impulses. As part of Operation Opposite, he proved this by extending benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees, opening gay people to high office, and allowing them in the military, thus demonstrating that he either would take no action to stand up for the rights of gays, or that he is even secretly hostile to them. Such betrayal is hard to fathom, but it makes sense once you understand and accept that Obama is Evil and will do anything - even the opposite - to destroy America.
4. Passed $789 billion in economic stimulus in 2009.
You see, that year - horror of horrors - we had evil, nasty, filthy Democratses in control of both Congress and the White House, so naturally the outcome was an attempt to destroy the economy by rebuilding it, make Americans poor by protecting their jobs and benefits, and further erode our infrastructure by adding to it with advanced new capabilities like high-speed rail. Fortunately, we see saw through the ruse and put Republicans in control of Congress in 2010, after which the results have been much better - no more sinister attempts to get us by doing the opposite. Only honest, straightforward, open attempts to get us.
5. Created more private sector jobs in 2010 than during all 8 of Bush's years.
Well, what do you expect from a corporatist sellout? The only reason more jobs were created is so that The People would be even more closely controlled by Big Business. Plus, clearly the quality of the jobs created under Obama is lower than the quality of the jobs not created under Bush, so the logic all works out that Obama has a terrible economic record.
6. Voluntary disclosure of White House visitors for the first time in US history.
A blatant example of the secrecy and authoritarianism of this administration. They'll disclose who visits the White House, but why won't they disclose who visits CIA station chiefs in war zones? The answer is clear - Operation Opposite. Do what appears to be progressive things when it makes sense, only to empower them to do the direct opposite when it doesn't. It's fascism, plain and simple. Obama pulls these voluntary stunts, even though Congress has never come anywhere near to requiring it, because he's trying to trick you into thinking he cares about transparency. And if you weren't as informed as I am about his Real Motives, you might be fooled. He is a clever one, that snake!
7. Appointed first Latina to the US Supreme Court.
And therein lies proof that he is racist. See, the fact that it is first means he had never done it before, ans what is his excuse for that? That he wasn't President before? We see through the ruse, Mr. President - you can stop pretending. We know it was because you hate Hispanics and want to exclude them from American civil life.
8. Promoted social responsibility through creation of serve.gov, a national database of volunteer opportunities.
Volunteer opportunities! The euphemisms of a fascist dictatorship are always the same - volunteer, serve, country, it's all so transparent. The only reason he wants to facilitate Americans working toward the betterment of their communities and country is so that he won't have to do any of it himself! Operation Opposite has many tentacles.
9. Reversed 'global gag rule', allowing US aid to go to organizations regardless of whether they provide abortions.
He's anti-abortion. You can see that, right? RIGHT? Or have they gotten to you too?
10. Signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act, giving the FDA the authority to regulate the manufacturing, marketing, and sale of tobacco for the first time.
If the tobacco industry is regulated, they'll have an interest in contributing to his campaign in order to get special treatment. So you see, any attempt by the Obama administration to regulate business is actually just a shakedown - i.e., an attempt to NOT regulate them because they're already morally on board with corruption and lawlessness. We would be better off with the open, flagrant, totally batshit feudal medievalism of the Republicans than this tangled web of highly credible conspiracies.
11. Signed New START Treaty - nuclear arms reduction pact with Russia.
The neocon evil is alive and well in the Obama administration. Bush was walking away from treaties all over the place and pursuing new nuclear weapons programs, and Obama is signing nuclear arms reduction treaties. It's as if they were separated at birth! I don't know how, but somehow this guy is going to blow up the world with all the nukes he's decommissioning and not building. If you don't think he can do it, you're underestimating the inventiveness of his villainy.
12. Increased average fuel economy standards from 27.5mpg to 35.5mpg, starting in 2016.
Why not now? Why not the first minute of his presidency? Why not before his presidency began? And why 35.5 mpg? Why not 35.6? Or 40? Or 70? Or 7,000? Or infinity? Why not infinite mpg retroactive to the beginning of time? I'll tell you why. Because he's in the pockets of the oil industry. They would much rather have 35.5 mph in 2016 than infinite mpg at the beginning of time. Exxon might as well have written this policy.
13. Signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, restoring basic protections against pay discrimination for women and other workers.
Blatant attempt to enforce patriarchy. He basically said to women, "You need a man to swoop in and save your paycheck, and force employers to pay you fairly." Isn't that just plain offensive? If he really was in favor of fairness, he would have been a woman himself.
14. Provided travel expenses to families of fallen soldiers to be on hand when the body arrives at Dover AFB.
Oh, how thoughtful of him to pay for families to grieve instead of ending wars so they wouldn't have to...oh wait...don't look at #1 above. Really, don't look at it! Dammit, you bastard, I told you not to look at it and you did, didn't you? Well, just don't think about pilotless drones while the subject of reducing US military casualties is still being mooted, okay? Fighting against Operation Opposite is going to take a group effort, and we need your cooperation not to think of all the ways the President is doing the right thing - if you do, the terrorists win. And by terrorists, I mean Obama. And by Obama, I mean the fictional character portrayed by Paulite CT-spouting editorialists.
15. Reversed the policy of barring media coverage during the return of fallen soldiers to Dover Air Force Base.
As I've said, this administration is against government transparency and media freedom. Every policy facilitating media coverage in one place is just a clever attempt to ensure they're distracted from coverage elsewhere. And if they ever come to a point where they are as open as can be, well then we better be very, VERY afraid, because that means the Zero Hour has come and their checkmate move is imminent! We're through the Looking Glass here people...
16. Launched recovery.gov to track spending from the Recovery Act, providing transparency and allowing the public to report fraud, waste, or abuse.
Why would he do that if he was already being honest with the American people? Only a wanton concealer of truth would make a big show of openness and public information. The only justification for such a website is that people don't already know the information it contains, and why is it they don't know? Because Obama hasn't told them! And thus by his own serpentine connivances, his true nature is revealed.
17. Provided the Department of Veterans Affairs with more than $1.4 billion to improve services to America's Veterans.
Wouldn't it be better to spend that money ensuring there is no need for anyone in the future to be a veteran than to care for those who already are? The fact that Obama doesn't understand this can mean only one thing - he hates veterans, and hates America. Oh, and he's a warmonger, rewarding people for waging war by trying to help their families and treat their injuries and psychological conditions. Harry Truman would never have done shit like that.
18. Signed the (2009) Children's Health Insurance Reauthorization Act, which provides health care to 11 million kids -- 4 million of whom were previously uninsured.
Of course he and the then-Democratic Congress wanted to give children health care - so they can grow up to die fighting as pilots of UAV drones...err, wait, go back and strike that. Obama wants them to vote for him when they grow up, after his term limits have expired...wait, wait, I'm doing this wrong. He's trying to enable NAMBLA by giving them healthy victims...shit, I just can't seem to come up with the angle here. Oh well, I'm sure it's there. It's just not possible he does what he can, when he can to give people health care.
19. Issued executive order to repeal Bush era restrictions on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research.
Embryonic stem cell research might some day benefit Alzheimer's research. Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's. Enough said.
20. Signed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Act, the first piece of comprehensive legislation aimed at improving the lives of Americans living with paralysis
Aww, he signed it, did he? So courageous of him to pick up a pen and write his name. He might as well have written it in blood on the backs of all the disabled people all across the world who he has totally failed to do anything to help. And since he won't help them, he's actually hurting them. He hates them. He plans to euthanize them. He plans to sell their bodies to dog food companies, and then use the proceeds to deceive more disabled people into thinking he cares about them!
All factual claims are courtesy of whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar. I should note these aren't prioritized or cherry-picked accomplishments, just randomly selected ones from an apparently quite deep well of them. But just to show I'm not being unfair, I'll address at least the most legitimate criticism currently floating around:
21. Signed NDAA.
Well, he signed a bill that codified the status quo, and contrary to so many seemingly unkillable zombie memes out there, does not allow indefinite detention of Americans: I personally read that section of the bill, so don't bother arguing with me on this unless you intend to claim the language I read wasn't what was in the bill as passed. Outrage-driven zeitgeist editorials are not more credible to me than my "lyin' eyes." Anyway, one would have to believe in Operation Opposite to claim the President refused to sign the original, far worse bill, and then made a signing statement interpreting the revised one the way I describe it to be, because he doesn't respect the Bill of Rights and wants the power to detain Americans indefinitely. I can accept critical interpretations of his signing the bill - i.e., that he didn't think it worthy of political capital to hold back over status quo detention provisions, or the very real possibility that a Republican president in the future would unlawfully cite it in detaining Americans - but not outright bigoted interpretations based on fantasies of a power-hungry Bushian figure merely pretending to be what he appears, a liberal President who regards issues dispassionately in context.
As long as every last positive thing this President accomplishes elicits a blizzard of "Yeahbuts" and Opposite Day interpretations implying that even when he's right, he's wrong, I'm going to post meta diaries like this. Please limit your criticism to things that are actually worthy of it, like NDAA, and please limit those criticisms to what was actually done in those cases, not what some echo-chamber meme merely asserts.