Dear Kossaks,
I know many have written diaries in the past seeking advice. So I thought I would try it too. The situation with my parents is getting more and more desperate. They are not that old, 68 and 70, but their situation is becoming more and more precarious. Join me after the bump, maybe some can share their experiences or have some advice.
I am an only child and live in Connecticut. I am from the Bay Area in California. I have a life here with my partner but it is getting increasingly difficult with my parents who live 2,000 miles away.
The situation with my parents has deteriorated for the past few years. They have had virtually every disease.
My father just got through his 5th bought of cancer. He has had literally no shoulder for 1 year because he had 4 botched surgeries after falling down, then couldn't get it repaired because of his cancer. His has pretty bad diabetes, balance problems, profound depression, mobility problems, refuses to take his medications and would literally rather die than keep them in a pill box. He has kidney stones, poor kidney function. To top it off, he's just fallen down and broken his ankle in 4 places.
My mother is bi-polar. She has what appears to be progressing alzheimers. She fell and broke her knee last summer, has failed to transition to the cane, still moves around with the walker; she is now afraid to walk pretty much at all and has to be dragged with her walker. She is almost at the dialysis stage. She cannot be by herself for more than a few hours. She can do very little by herself independently. She cannot manage her own many medications. She is extremely demanding and verbally abusive to my father.
I have begged them for the past 2 years that they must do assisted living. But my father is in complete denial. He says it will all be fine. It is not fine. Now, as I speak, just days after I booked a business trip to Germany, he is now in the hospital with his broken ankle, pneumonia after chemo, zero immune system. My mother is with her 94 year old mother, is certainly not getting her required medications.
But I cannot keep traveling 2,500 miles every time there is a crisis. Was there 7 times last year. Was there just 2 weeks ago. It is ruining my business and my life here.
I have tried everything you can imagine to help them: have hired people, tried Meals on Wheels. Tried managing their prescriptions and doctors from Connecticut. I come several times a year and try to deal with the horrible mess in their home (I'd call it cronically disorganized level) - appointments forgotten, their horrible diets, essential medicines not taken. Everything I've tried to do - getting help, teaching them how to cook simple meals, getting outside help for seniors - has been rejected by them. I am at the end of my rope. We have limited sources of support - a cleaning lady who is willing to come in extra days and do almost anything, you have to beg her to even take more money - but my parents won't use her more and my aunt who helps but then writes to tell me what a burdon it all is, not a reliable source of help.
I have repeatedly spoken to my father about the need for assisted living. He just tears up and says he knows, but doesn't want to deal with it. His depression is so profound with the cancer (now supposedly in remission), his diabetes, having no shoulder that really he seems to have given up. My mother has no clue how bad it is, has less and less of a grip on reality. If you even suggest "Assisted Living" to her, she goes into a rage. She will leave her home literally kicking and screaming. She will not accept it under any circumstances. They just bought $20,000 of new furniture for their house. Making it all the more difficult.
The alternatives are worse. My grandmother will not be around very soon. If my father has to go to the hospital even overnight, that will be a huge problem. I cannot come every time there is a problem. My father could die. I cannot move my mother to Connecticut because I cannot insure her outside of California. Even with Obamacare, a premium would be prohibitively expensive outside of her existing plan in CA. It would be gut-wrenching and painful to put her in a facility but there is no choice. As things stand now, I would have to take her to court to prove her incompetent as my father thinks everything is a.ok and won't give me power of attorney. That is if she can even remember who she is by then. But by then, like I say, even getting a caretaker for a few days is a problem and I might be in Europe etc. where I sometimes can't get to CA at any price for a few days.
We have to have THE TALK that they must start transitioning to Assisted Living. They will resist with everything they have. My mother will scream, refuse, become verbally abusive. Do any of you have any advice on what to do in these situations? Experiences?
Any thoughts on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated! The situation grows more desperate by the month. Thanks for any advice you can give!