Last night I had the first good night’s sleep I have had in the last 8 weeks! I didn’t have a nightmare and slept through the night, awaking this morning before my alarm clock went off, and feel renewed, refreshed and like ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE today!
Yesterday I had a meeting with my social worker at the VA and I lost it! I just "exploded" and went off about all the problems that I am dealing with, the treatment by the VA, the Social Security Administration, Medicare ... How it has been one things after another, and even though I keep doing everything right there always is Just One MORE thing to take care of. I went off about the abuse I am dealing with at the hands of my Payee, and how the the process for everything just keeps getting drawn out. Poor Me, the Victim!
I am SO SORRY for how I acted yesterday, I am totally unsure where all that vileness came from and it was totally out of character! I never should have dumped on my Social Worker like I did, she is a wonderful woman who has done nothing but helped me, I just shouldn't have dumped on her like I did! But, hearing myself saying all that stuff, how I was feeling so powerless, so victimized, so plotted against, really made me think, and was the same content as the nightmares. It was like splashing cold water in my face and I had a Eureka Moment. Finally I understood, finally I saw the demons for what they were, and though I had no solution for how to address all the issues in my life, I suddenly understood the power that I was giving thee "Problems" and how I was allowing myself to feel less than at the hands of an unthinking and unfeeling bureaucracy.
It also made me remember how untrue all of those things are in my life. I am not powerless, yes there are a lot of things “Wrong” right now in my life, but I AM doing what I can to get them addressed, I am working within the system and doing everything right, and everyday a little more progress is being made to straighten out the problems and issues. It is not happening in "MY time" not as fast as I would like, or as easy as I would like, but it never is, but there is a little constant forward progress everyday, and that is all that really matters, eventually if I keep on keeping on these "problems and issues" will be taken care of and addressed. Knocked out, knocked down, and put to rest!
Yes, there are a lot of things out of my control, but those I just have to turn over! I sat last night with a friend, and even as bad as yesterday was for me, there were still at LEAST 5 blessings that I could come up with, and even a “miracle” which has now opened a door to resolving a long time issue/problem! I am not "alone" in this "battle", I hav allies and people working on my behalf to address the issues and problem. Of course I am not "HAPPY" about the shit that is going on, problems with benefits, problems with cash flow, problems being able to pay and being behind in the rent. It is a GREAT deal of pressure, I finally can admit that, and yes it was feeling like the Universe was just having a field day with me.
But somehow after the blow-up and speaking to a friend I remember how totally untrue it was. The Universe only wants the BEST For me. Yes, it is true that people are lazy, and unmotivated to help their fellow man, but I still believe that all people are basically good, and in the end they will ALWAYS surprise you as they move a mountain to mke your path a little easier!
THOUGH my blow-up yesterday was totally out of character, it seems to have been exactly what I needed. Just to hear myself saying those things, like a little kid having a temper tantrum. To put into words all those vile thoughts and feelings that I had been keeping bottled up inside. I never get like that, but maybe I should more often! I had just gotten to my wits end. It was all just too much, and though I just couldn’t let myself admit it, I was feeling victimized, and was harboring a major helping of poor me.
But this morning, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!! I didn't have a nightmare last night. I woke up, the bed dry, feeling renewed, revitalized, and refreshed! I feel like anything is possible with this wonderful day that God has blessed me with. I feel like I am reborn, and renewed, even the colors around me are even more vivid! It is remarkable how different this day feels! Like a huge weight has been lifted from my soul, and the dark night is finally over, and I have awakened to a bright new world!
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!