Just got off the phone with a robo-pollster from the Alabama Farmers Federation FARM PAC.
They asked me if I was planning to vote in the March GOP primary in Alabama.
"Why, yes," I said slyly. (Robo-voices can't tell when you are lying your ass off.)
Robopollster: Do you plan to vote for Tommy Bryant for appeals court?
Me: No. (The truth)
Robopollster: Well, would it make any difference to you to know that Tommy Bryant is in favor of preserving our way of life and free enterprise? (I paraphrase but it was that ridiculous)
Me: No
Robopollster: Well, would it make any difference to you to know that Tommy Bryant's parents raised him to follow the Golden Rule? (I shit you not)
Me: No.
OK, so Robopollster gave up trying to convince me that Tommy Bryant is the Second Coming of Jesus and moved on to other candidates.
Robopollster: How about Republican Charlie Graddick?
Now, Robopollster probably needed to include the adjective "Republican" to modify Graddick because Charlie used to be a Democrat way back when. He is best known for his time as attorney general when his plan for dealing with death row inmates was "fry 'em till their eyes pop out."
Me: Nope.
Robopollster: How about Twinkle Andruss?
Yes, there is actually a woman named Twinkle and she is just as weird as the name implies.
Me: Hell, no. (Not sure if expletives register with robopollsters as "strongly oppose" but, what the hell.)
Robopollster: How about Roy Moore?
Roy is still around? Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!!! Good ole Ten Commandments Roy. Betcha didn't know that Roy used to be a boxer in Australia. He should have run for president this year. The GOP base would go nuts for Roy. The guy is as true a believer as they come. And he actually has a soul. It's dark and scary, but at least he has one -- unlike Romney.
Me: YES!!!!! (Trying to sound enthusiastic)
Robopollster didn't ask me if I planned to vote for Scott Beason, the state senator who crafted Alabama's racist immigration law, referred to African-Americans as aborigines and thinks Congressman Spencer Bachus is way too liberal for the Sixth District.
That was disappointing because I had a great answer.
Me: Not even if you waterboard me.
I do, however, plan to vote in the Democratic primary for the Sixth District seat. Yes, after 10 years of having no Democratic candidate at all to oppose Bachus, this year we have two.
It's gonna be a great year.
It's already been a great morning.