It’s been a mixed month for Newt Gingrich.
Even Fox News winced at Newt’s proposal to colonize the Moon and declare it our 51st state.
But then came Iran.
Not unlike an anemic leech, Newt Gingrich has desperately latched on to a brand new battle-cry; one that could earn him critical support in upcoming primaries.
Whenever Newt addresses his droves of dolts, he borrows from his personal bag of “facts.” This week, Professor Newt’s lecture in Ohio was all about Iran; specifically, on the mathematical probability (using a Newtonian calculator) that Columbus and Conneaut are both "cities of interest" on Iran’s places to nuke list. When speaking in Indiana, it was goodbye to Gary, adios Evansville and we’ll miss ya, Muncie. During this week’s swing through Minnesota, he blew up Bloomington, Eden Prairie and the Mall of America. (I assume Minnesotans would retaliate by throwing Marcus Bachmann at Ahmadinejad, a perverse sacrilege to Popes and Mullahs, alike). Newt is verbally leveling local cities and towns and Wrestlemania events in every state he visits. At this rate, Newt's Moon colony may begin to look inviting to an emotionally over-stressed fRight-wing electorate who already whisk their daughters into camouflaged underground shelters every time Air Force One passes overhead.
The American fRight finds the concept of a Moon settlement far less entertaining than than nuking Iran, a preemptive strike to avoid what Newt claims will happen to us if we don’t fry the Iranians first. Yet, the American press is still mumbling about Moon bases and ignoring the near-universal Republican brinksmanship regarding Iran. In fact, all three of the real Republican candidates for the nomination have promised to shoot the Ayatollah first and ask questions later. That’s a huge cheer-getter from the pitch fork and torch-holder mobs at the Republican debates - when they’re not busy immolating some buzz-killing quadriplegic begging for medical research funding. When it’s Ron Paul’s turn to speak, he gets booed for claiming Ahmadinejad is no more real than Captain Hook but eventually draws cheers by kicking the aforementioned paraplegic while Romney sells the guy’s wheelchair for one cent on the dollar - and collects a $100 dollar commission for his time.
So this week, Newt is charging to the fRight of Romney and Santorum on the subject of Iran, and that’s not an easy task. If Romney and Santorum promised to nuke Iran for J-walking, Newt would one-up them and say he’d nuke Iran for thinking about J-walking. And that’s the way the campaign has drifted on every subject. Last week, in between promises of Moon colonies and vaporizing Tabriz, each candidate appeared on the verge of signing a Grover Norquist-style pledge to push for a mandatory death sentence for any man caught wearing a Trojan or woman downing a birth control pill. They intimated that our Kenyan, secular-socialist, anti-colonialist Black Muslim President was on the verge of signing a secret directive that would crush the very separation of Church and State that Republicans hold so, so dear. In their fantasy, Priests would be required to wear condoms during sex and, ergo, would lose that all-important sense of closeness to their younger flock members.
While I digress, there is an incidental up side to Newt’s lunar lunacy. In the extraterrestrial state of Newtonia, there would be no pre-existing conditions – you know, conditions like Puerto Ricans or Chamorros or other indigenous riff-raff that would force the Republicans to waste time or money to methodically defraud them out of their voting rights. On the down side, it would be some time before exclusive golf courses and country clubs could be whittled out of the hardened lunar terrain. In the meantime, the 1% would have to share public course time. No Sea of Tranquility in that thought.
But back to my point, a very unique crew is steering Spaceship fRight. Someone once said that marrying your mistress automatically creates a job opening. The same may be said for Republican hair-brained ideas. They’re no sooner married to one insane scheme before they heap another on us. On a related note, I’m looking for Newt and Orly Taitz to become a supermarket tabloid item. You can probably find them cohabitating in the snack aisle somewhere between the marshmallows and nuts.
By convention time in Tampa Bay, I suspect neither Moon-doggie Newt’s nuclear winter nor Reverend Rick’s uncloseted relationship with Jesus will deny an eventual Romney victory. No one but Rick himself has actually heard Jesus talk to him; if pressed for proof, things could get stick for Frothy Boy. And Georgia, Newt’s adopted home state and truest primary test, is still howling over Sherman's march to the sea and may not have the capacity to simultaneously fear an Iranian whose name they can’t pronounce. Mittens, on the other hand, will immediately point to his personal success at Bain Capital to justify anything, including leveling Iran. Here’s a man who has already blown up corporate economies larger than those of some countries. He’s the one candidate we know can make good on the most heinous of schemes.
And Hell, Mittens likes putting fire to people!
In the meantime, Romney may just race away with the nomination,
no doubt with his dog still strapped to the roof.